Man Overboard: A Self Defence Course For Men In Marriage

Getting more sex from your wife

2007-11-04T14:13:00.000+11:00

Getting more sex from your wife

Hi,

I’m back. I sort of fell off the Bliss Wagon and didn’t want to spoil it for you… because it works, but only if you work at it. Actually, it more than ‘works’. Once oyu’ve seen inside her mind, your own mind can’t go back to its previous shape.

Let’s just say I am now exploring the furtherest reaches on the interior of this new continent that I discovered, my wife.

And let’s start with a little bit of orientation: I still surprise my wife with little (and big) gifts. I still massage her 2 times a week (with no promise of sex in exchange – and she sticks to that rule). Perhaps the most important thing for her is that we are now in business as equal partners. I have let go my command and control model and let her take the reins a lot more. And she is very encouraged and fulfilled by this.

I am still very sensitive to her need to feel equally valued. I refer to her as my ‘manager’, etc. and when we are talking to groups of farmers about climate change (this is our new enterprise), I introduce her as the ‘farmer’ and say she refers to me as being worth ‘half a sheep dog’ and I add “and she says I’m the wrong half” referring to my incompetence when moving our sheep.

But I am not Mr Perfect and I don’t clean and cook etc. andavoid laundry duty,etc… I have fallen off the wagon. But she’s not going anywhere, which was the objective of the exercise. I provide proof that I love her regularly.

Our relationship is good, but SEX doesn’t rear it’s ugly head often enough for mine. And too often for hers. She has gone through/is going through/who knows, “the change” and since that started 4 years ago she has been less interested in sex.

Her interest in sex and her pure animal energy first attracted me like a moth to a flame. I got burned, as you will read in the book. And lived with the smell of burning wings for many years. Now the irony is that her hunger for sex – which caused me so much grief with other guys and haunted me for years – has diminished. (I doubt it was ever there to the extent that I imagined. By now I have worked out that she enjoyed sex but enjoyed the excitement of the romance that went with it even more and that this was what she craved more than sex: romance. Sex was what made boys interested. It’s a common condition. It’s called “wanting to be loved”.

So, where does this leave me now? No sex for a week and I’m going bananas (quietly). She is very mindful of my needs and “does it” weekly. This reminds me of the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall, which stars Woody Allen as Alvy Singer and Diane Keaton as Annie Hall.

--------------------------------------------
ALVY'S PSYCHIATRIST
How often do you sleep together?

ANNIE'S PSYCHIATRIST
Do you have sex often?

ALVY
Hardly ever. Maybe three times a week.

ANNIE
Constantly! I'd say three times a week.
Like the other night, Alvy wanted to have
sex.

Three times a week? HEAVEN! And it is just now that I really find my wife more sexually attractive because I ‘know’ her better as a person, that fate has dealt this cruel blow. (Not blow job.)

So I googled “How to have sex with your wife” and I am afraid there’s not much hope for us. Here are some of the gems of wisdom I discovered:

One medical expert said: “Discuss the problem with your wife frankly, but be patient and supportive, always looking for mutually satisfactory ways to achieve intimacy and express love and affection.” (Do doctors have sex?)

One poor guy who gets none got this response from a chat room:

“Maybe you're presenting yourself as TOO nice, TOO needy, TOO interested; stop asking for sex, stop initiating it, stop staring at her; you may be appearing as obsessed instead of challenging; see how long it will take for HER to ask about it, then give her one of the excuses she gives YOU; this "role play" will hopefully and ultimately lead to a dialog where she SEES the issue more clearly; certainly, there could be alot of reasons for her disinterest, including hormonal imbalances, medications, or, as i mentioned, her dislike of your attitude, approach, etc; however, though she may have a legitimate reason for her feelings, it is still her RESPONSIBILITY to engage in open, honest discussion about them with you, with the goal of re-discovering the missing passion, and up to YOU to INFORM her that the lack of such dialog is UNACCEPTABLE; if she still refuses to cooperate, CONSEQUENCES would follow, but that's for a later email;for now, adjust your approach from needy to "aloof", as stated above, let her wonder about it awhile, then continue as outline.”

Souns like sound advice, but hard work and not very likely to work for me.

Then – as a little light relief (and don’t I need it) – I found this book: The Sex-Starved Wife: What to Do When He's Lost Desire By Michele Weiner Davis in Hardcover at SimonSays. (Oh happy day.)

There were some choice pieces of advice when some poor fellow submitted this tale of woe:

Subject: Why does my wife not like sex?

So my wife and I have been together for about 4.5 years now. I can count the number of times we have slept together on my toes and hands.. When I ask her about it all she says is " I dont know why I just dont feel like it." I love my wife and I know she loves me. What can I do? This is driving me nuts. I have not cheated on her but the thoughts are going through my head. I dont want to, but can this work with out sex? someone pease help.. I'll try anything at this point…

….

Sadly, for our sufferer, the first sympathetic soul was a God-fearing, no-sex-before-marriage guy who said:
“I'm not married, so I have no idea how you feel. I do know that God can help you here.” Maybe God is the person these complaints should be taken to. Afterall, He started this game, by making Men like Men and Women like Women. So, God, what’s the deal here? (He will answer in due course.) Meanwhile our unmarried, no-regular-sex guy had a good suggestion: “Continue to love your wife. Have you ever heard of "love languages"? google it. there's a book that might open your eyes to some things. like i said, i'm not married, but it sounds like you might not be speaking your wife's love language.” Right on. We’ll come back to this.

In the same string was this unkind contribution: “Maybe you suck at sex? What are you leaving out of this story?”

Someone else added: “If a person does suck at sex, and their partner lets them go blindly onward through life without ever mentioning that to them, then it's not just the partner's problem. People have to speak up, if they think their partner sucks at sex, right?.. It cannot be *simply* the case that he sucks at sex - his wife sucks at communicating about sex, just as much.”

After reading this description of the sex life of a fundamentalist Jewish couple, I decided I might like to become a Jew. Listen to this:

“Sex is the woman's right, not the man's. A man has a duty to give his wife sex regularly and to ensure that sex is pleasurable for her. He is also obligated to watch for signs that his wife wants sex, and to offer it to her without her asking for it. The woman's right to sexual intercourse is referred to as onah, and it is one of a wife's three basic rights (the others are food and clothing), which a husband may not reduce. The Talmud specifies both the quantity and quality of sex that a man must give his wife…. (From Judaism 101 - http://www.jewfaq.org/sex.htm)
….

So far, from what I came across on my search, we have ‘talk about it’, ‘don’t be no needy’, ‘try to speak her ‘Love Language’, and convert to Judaism.

Let’s look at these options:

1. TALK ABOUT IT: I said to my wife, when she started refusing sex more frequently, “I am a normal adult male with a normal sex drive.” That’s all I said. I didn’t say, “If you don’t come across, someone else will.” But that could be what she heard. Because it worked. For a while. What else can you say? “Let’s talk about this… I need sex and you don’t. What can we do about it?”

What a foolish exchange. In terms of the power situation, she’s got all the cards. As*name* writes in book, the partner least interested in sex determines the frequency of it. So I say talking is great, but have something compelling to say.

2. DON’T BE SO NEEDY: If you’re always pawing you wife (fondling, feeling up, squeezing, etc.) or always asking for sex when you are cuddling, she starts to feel you only want her for sex.

This is a BIG NO NO. Because it reduces her sense of worth as a person. Her “integrity” as a human being. So I have got to learn to keep my hands to myself.

3. LEARN HER LOVE LANGUAGE: Gary Chapman has a book called The Five Love Languages is based on the theory that each person has a different way of communicating and understanding messages about love from others.

The basic principle is this: She is more likely to make love to you if she feels love from you. You can only prove you love her by using the communication style that rings her bells.

4. CONVERT TO JUDAISM: (Or rely on a religious doctrine to regulate sex in marriage.) I don’t know about you, but I like to feel that my wife is getting off on what I am doing. Is she’s doing it out of sympathy, it is debased coinage. (Though sometimes I get so strung out that rape becomes an attractive idea.)

MY ANSWER: I think I have an answer, for me at least. My drought conditions coincided with the reduction in intensity of my seduction strategy: Love Bliztkreig. If I can return to a more maintainable level of total war/love attack, more acceptable to my own sense of integrity.

Remember, the Man Overboard is based on total surrender (to interrupt legal action or a walk out) and constant, regular proofs of your love. The man cedes victory to the woman, simply stops the struggle, and does whatever he can to win her heart again.

This works on the understanding that women have a natural sense of justice and will return the scales to the centre. But some women are so deeply scarred with the years of male insensitivity that this period of “positive discrimination” or capitulation to the woman can be long. It is easy to lose faith. (I did.)

I’m going to reduce her anxiety. I am going to reduce her feeling of being undervalued or typecast as kitchen hand and short order cook. I am going to romance her more subtly. And I am going to tell her if I find another woman attractive. The latter is not a threat; it is deepening our intimacy.

After all, she told me several times when we were young and times were rocky that she wanted our relationship to be such that she could tell me about her experiences with other men. (It terrified me at the time. It would turn me on now. Strange how the worm turns.)

I believe the answer to this ‘wife/sex/no sex’ issue runs deeper that this, and goes to the core of my identity.

More on this anon.

“Why was I so devastated when she left?”

2007-08-03T19:44:00.000+10:00

I talk to a lot of men about wives who walked out on them and these men all have one thing in common.

Standing around a dying bonfire at 2am in the bush, drinking with a bunch of mainly men, celebrating the birthday of one of them. His wife had walked out with five children last year. It was 2am, we were drinking, so it was easy to start a conversation about marriage.

Each man I spoke to had been abandoned by a wife with children. It didn’t matter how long ago it was, the eyes told the story when the event was recalled: when they speak about it, you can see a special hurt around their eyes. It is the look of a small child who has been betrayed and abandoned. It is a deep, deep wound that time may heal, but, like an operation scar, can twinge and ache when the chilly winds blow.

I know the feeling. I was one of them. But I survived and I won her back. And even today, I ask myself the question: “Why was I so devastated when she left?” I felt completely secure and capable of making it without her before she announced she was leaving me. In fact, at times I had wished she wasn’t there, especially during the long silences we endured, the silences we filled with our own negative thoughts about each other and ourselves.

Well, my wish came true. Out of the blue. I had no warning. She betrayed me, stabbed me in the back, stole my security, my inner secrets, my intimacy. She took her secret knowledge of me to another man, who was my rival. She had my power and she gave it to another. He gained my power, gained possession of what was mine, my possession. My precious. Gone. My power. Gone.

Lying on my back in the hypnotherapist’s room I had a great realisation: I hadn’t lost a wife. I’d lost a mother. I had become so emotionally and practically dependent on her, she stopped being a wonderful person and became a support system for my infantile inability to cope with the details of life. She became my mother. I made her my mother.

And when a mother leaves a little boy behind, that little boy never forgets it. The little boy in me remembers the moment my wife/mother rejected me as her little boy. It shows around the eyes whenever the memory takes you back there to that room, that smell, that night, that dark cloud that descended, that cold feeling in the guts...

Here is the clue. A woman doesn’t marry a son. She marries a man. A grown up man who stands proud and alone with confidence and independence. An adult man who can make her feel protected and loved and valued and safe, like a little girl. (Ironic, isn’t it?)

Love is possible only between two emotionally-mature adults. Anything else is a form of dependency. No one wants a person clinging to them, depending on them, dragging them down.

So gentlemen, your mother may have waited on you hand and foot, treated you like a little god. But she’s not the person in your bed. Grow up. The woman who loves you wants to be loved by the man in you, not the little boy.

To give love you must first be capable of standing on your own two feet and being comfortable with who you are… all alone. Happy to be with yourself.

To find love, first be loveable, said Ovid. And I say, stay loveable.

Man Overboard now available as an E-Book

2007-06-03T23:15:00.000+10:00

Thanks to the online smarts of my young colleague Fred Schebesta, the book MAN OVERBOARD is now available for purchase for what appears to me to be a very small amount of money at the following website: www.savemarriagebook.com.au

I was giving it away, but that was fine when we had a flourishing business to support us. Now, we are drought-stricken sheep farmers in central western New South Wales, living through the worst drought in living memory. And we are campaigning on behalf of all farmers for the right to sell the carbon they accumulate in their soils by good stewardship.

Since December it has been quite desperate on the land in Australia, with farmers committing suicide at a rate of one every four days. Mainly the men. Several in our area have been on 'suicide watch' - never to be left on their own. One of our friends was found in his bedroom with a gun barrel in his mouth.

The pressure on marriages in such blistering drought conditions is unimaginable. Louisa and I and our son Daniel have been coping quite well by finding solutions to our problems in projects we can share. Public speaking on climate change issues and what they mean for farmers has seen us in demand and travelling around the eastern states.

I must admit I fell into a hole, a depression felt my many men on the land when you can no longer provide for your family (that traditional role that we retreat into in times of stress is not a refuge when the chips are down.) But good fortune came our way in the form of a whole lot of love from people we didn't know.

And I want to tell you the story of what can happen whenn you open up your heart and let a little love into your life.

I sat alone one night after a depressing discussion with Louisa about the flock and our money problem. We ran out of cash to hand feed our sheep and ran out of grass. She was deflated and I was devastated. I felt castrated. But I asked for help - just asked for help. Just then, I could hear on the TV the sound of a World Vision commercial. "Adopt a Smile for Christmas". Adopt a blowfly, adopt a mongoose, adopta chicken... these words went through my head. Then "Adopt a Sheep" popped into my mind.

So, faced with sending the entire flock of 2600 to slaughter and lose 7 years of breeding for superfine wool (which no one wanted to pay for anyway), we went public and appealed to people to adopt our sheep for $35 a head, the amount required to feed them for 100 days (the planning horizon during a drought). I put up a blogsite with PayPal to take donations. I thought we'd get 6 or 8. So I sent press releases to 2 Sydney daily newspapers... and waited. Two days, 3, 4, and a call from Tele asking for pix. Sent what we had. No, need a sad pic of farmer and wife. We took one, hard not to laugh. Day 6, 6.30am Sydney radio stations start calling. Small item in The Daily Telegraph (Tele). Channel 7 calls. Can they land a crew near
the house at Uamby? 2 hours filming reduced to 1.45 minutes on that night's news. Tele and Channel 7 put links on their websites. Channel 7 promos the spot on every break duiring the news and runs it last. Kabloom! 5000 hits on blogspot. 100 adopted. Next day: SMH online calls. More links. More radio stations. Louisa and Daniel, no training, giving interviews on air to listeners all over the eastern states. Orders pouring in. 10000 hits by start of week 2. Channel 9 sends a crew. Today Show. Daniel features. More links. More radio. Serious backlog of adoption certificates (personalised with name of sheep (+pic) and name of adopter. Calls from adopters - when will they get their certificates? Need them for Xmas. (Xmas! Forgot about that.) 20000 hits and 1000 adopters later, 3 of us getting 4 hours sleep a night, handfeeding sheep and churning out certificates, while fielding media and 'where's my certificate' calls. Recruit local business centre for help. Disaster. Customer complaints. Recruit sister-in-law. Great. Need more sheep portraits. Maxed out hard drive in my laptop. Crash. Byebye files. Phone keeps ringing. German journalist arrives to write a piece on the drought. In the next 3 weeks his articles appear in 4 major German online and offline newspapers. We are flooded with hits from Germany - 500 in a day. Put
up a German translation of the blogsite with link on landing page. Local papers and radio arrive late for the party. What's that rumbling? The rising drone of the online conversations about us. StatCounter lets me see where hits coming from. Follow hits backwards to source to find links. Turns out people are posting stories and links on their personal blogsites, discussion groups arguing about the rights and wrongs of farming in Australia, quilters and knitters and spinners and crafty ladies telling each other they adopted, highschool girls (lonelygirl15) adopting a lamb for company in their adolescent cocoons. People telling people what they've bought other people for Xmas. Wealthy people send a cheque for $1000, 'inspired' by what we are doing. Japanese man thinks he can take delivery of the animal. "Crikey!
You'll have to pay more than $35 for that, Cobber." That's Life magazine does a feature. More radio results. In the midst of the chaos, sniping comments left on blogsite by animal rights activists and farmers accusing us of not being financially crippled enough to deserve the money. (Response: "I'm just doing my best with what I've got.") Calls from farmers begging for some of the money. Charity begins at home. "I'll save my sheep first, then yours. I can't help anyone if I go broke." (We put full step-by-step instructions up on blogsite and flag it. We call NSW Farmers to discuss taking the program national.) Negative blog comments spark large response from other commenters, positive. Cards and letters flooding in. Visitors turning up unannounced. Guided tours. Every adopter says they're praying for rain. Christmas Day: People are opening gifts to find our one of our lambs, rams or 'ma'ams' have come into their lives. It starts to rain at Uamby. 40mls. More than we've had for a year. It's raining money, too. Results: Our target $87000. Total Week 8: $70000. (We had spent $60,000 up to when the appeal started.) Still fulfilling orders. Many fell through cracks when computer crashed. Also lots of no-show of certificate (sent via email) because customer changes email address, spam filter knocked it back, inbox full, etc. Still "where's my certificate?" Customer is always right. No, not "customer" in our case. Newfriends? No. We are now family. This farm is their farm. These sheep are their sheep. We got an email from a lady in Sydney asking if "Benny" (a male lamb sponsored on behalf of Ben, an elderly gent in London who loves Australia and cricket) would send Ben a note of encouragement, as he had fallen into a coma. I wrote back that I told Benny that Ben was ill and he said, "How sick is he?" I said: "He's as crook as English cricket." Benny said, "No one can be that crook..." and dictated a note to Ben. We heard later that, after getting Benny's message, Ben started coming out of the coma. Our first miracle!
Many people were effusive in their thanks (and we were the ones who were thankful) for giving them an opportunity to do something for farmers suffering in the drought. (We told everybody we weren't the most deserving, but they didn't care. We offered them the opportunity,. and the most deserving didn't.) It was hte Spirit of Christmas. Giving. Next steps: Expand the relationship. Expand the family. Learn how to love and be loved. Due to time problems, we developed a one word fulfillment letter body copy:

((((HUG))))

We meant it, too.

Michael

WHat makes a man the ideal sexual partner?

2006-12-04T18:44:00.000+11:00

When 1700 Australian men and women were asked to rank their top three qualities in an ideal sexual partner, "someone who cares for you" topped the list for women. Not surprising. A man who can prove by his actions and attentions that he genuinely cares for a woman is usually not short of sex. The women surveyed by the University of Queensland researchers said their No. 2 attraction in a sexual partner was 'they're fun to be with' - and it's always fun to be with someone who cares for you and shows it. And No.3 they rnaked 'some who enjoys sex'. See what I mean? A man who can prove he cares would have to enjoy sex because she would want so much of it!

As for men, there was a different ranking. You guessed it, the men rnaked 'someone who enjoys sex as No. 1. SO guys, if that's what you want, now you know how to get it.

The study, by Professor Jake Najman, was published in the Marriage and Family Review.

Dear "My Husband Insecure and Testing my Love"

2006-12-01T00:15:00.000+11:00

Are you the person San DIego who spent 45 minutes in this blog yesterday? Call me from (612) 63740329 (in Australia). I believe I can help you. It's passed midnight here but I am happy to talk, anytime. BTW< he's not testing your love. He's asking for it.

"I hate your book"

2006-10-14T14:28:00.000+10:00

I received this email yesterday - it came out of the blue. By coincidence, i was close to the writer's home town in the USA only last week and I left a copy of the book's manuscript with a friend, who doesn't know my correspondent.

Read on...

10/13/06 9:03a

I have read the draft of your book "Man Overboard" with dismay. It is a document that I will. to the degree that I can, advise anyone I can to avoid your book at all costs.

My objections are several but have a "philosophical" foundation so I would like to start with a few points of essential belief:

Women (as a generalization) are emotionally needy and addicted to the periodic fix of "hormone baths". They are slaves to the emotional roller coaster ride thus produced.

All sentient creatures operate from a position of self interest, that is actions are based upon what serves their need the most. There are other forces at play, (socialization, instinct, etc), but self interest is very powerful. More successful sentient beings operate (or usually attempt to operate) from a position of enlightened self-interest, that is if you in the pursuit of your self interest consider the interest of others, other will consider your interest.

Some things are not worth the price of having them. Yet sometimes people pay the price regardless.

My first objection is one of pragmatism, that is, doing what makes sense, or has proven to work. Thus I believe that if a man follows your advise what he is doing over the long haul is will not give him the desired result (or will give him the desired result at a cost vastly outweighing the benefits). It is pretty simple, one gets what one rewards.

You should have learned this from raising children. Your child throws a tantrum, makes a general pest of himself and spouts outlandish demands and you give him what he asked for you have just taught him what works. Now that he has learned this lesson, his tantrums and unacceptable behavior will escalate when he doesn't get his way, he has learned that if his proven method isn't working he simply is doing enough of it.

By the same token if you teach a woman that demands, threats, pouting, sexual blackmail, and other sorts of emotional hate gets her what she wants she will continue. The difference between your child and a woman is the child wants the thing he is demanding, and once he receives that thing the tantrum stops. Woman, on the other hand, wants your obedience (which she interprets as "love"). Once she becomes accustomed to a certain level of obedience that level will no longer cause her to experience that hormonal rush of oxcytocin that she equates with love, and, since her primary expectation is your unconditional devotion to her happiness,she will be constantly testing the "unconditionalness" of your devotion. "Will he put up with this?", "will he put up with that?" There is no end to the escalating love test.

I've been married for 24 years, at the very beginning I was clear by my actions that I didn't live to serve and that manipulation wouldn't work. It was obvious when I left her in a restaurant on our third date that I didn't reward bad behavior. I was clear that I was in the relationship for MY happiness and my needs to be met, and I didn't have a particular need to serve her. She knew right from the start that my motivation for making her happy was my happiness in the relationship. That makes me value the relationship and not want to lose it. I told her from the start she could deliver one ultimatum so she should be certain not to use it frivolously. She knew from the start the if ever uttered the word 'divorce' she would have one.

she learned that it was to her enlightened self interest to consider my enlightened self interest.

My second objection is less goal oriented. Simply, it's your choice if you want to sell your manhood, your pride, your autonomy, for some spoiled, narcissistic princess wannabe. But this is NOT a marriage for a man it be in, its a marriage for a eunuch to be in. You have sold everything you had of value so that she would stay awhile longer, Until she decides to raise the price. My firm belief (a belief that is confirmed daily by everywoman I meet, every human interaction I witness, and everything I read) is that a woman will USE a man who will let her, but never respect a man who allows himself to be used, but won't respect him and can't love him.

I hate that you are writing a book advocating that men enslave themselves on the altar of what you have defined as marriage. In the world of today,( as in all of history) there is enough trying to beat us down without our own advocating we beat ourselves down

(Name Withheld)

...........

My response is here:

Dear Mr (Name),

Thank you for your comments. You obviously feel strongly about your relationships. And you have thought deeply about the issues. I applaud your strong stand. I believe men must take responsibility for their relationships.

On a point of philosophy, I believe our concept of human nature determines our expectations of how other people will treat us. Your beliefs about what drives human behaviour forms the foundation stone of your experience. That’s because life always seems to deliver what you think you deserve. Research among teachers found that children performed to the level the teacher was given to expect, not to their natural ability. Bright kids performed badly and dumb kids performed like bright kids whilever the teacher’s definition of them was ‘bright’ or ‘dumb’.

I guess you can see where this is heading. If women act in a certain way, is it because they are naturally like that, or are we simply manifesting our expectations?

Ray, I am not good at being a husband, father, etc. And my wife and I still have dark periods when she acts badly and vice versa. But we tend to give each other the room to ‘have a Jimmy’ (a little inner tantrum), secure in the knowledge that it will blow over. We didn’t have that trust before I changed my approach.

I tried for 30 years to be the Patriarch, the firm hand, the dominant partner. I failed. I felt insecure for all those years. But I didn’t feel secure until I stopped trying to control my wife. All I feel now is loved.

What works for me is for me. What works for you is for you.

Your marriage is in the red zone – 25 years is a peak in the divorce graph, often the woman leaving the man rather than endure another 25 years with an emotionally-unavailable partner. Usually the male is blindsided by the woman, who left emotionally many years before.

I have 500 readers’ responses, mostly males. Only 2 responded to the manuscript as you have.

Thank you for the opportunity to cross swords. I should warn you that advising people to avoid a book is the best way to get them to read it – forbidden fruit, etc. Why not just say nothing about it?

By the way, how did you obtain the manuscript?

Cheers!

Michael

...........

His response came back almost immediately:

10/13/06 1:24p

Thank you for your response. To clarify some of my points, I have never tried to be to be "Patriarch, the firm hand, the dominant partner", nor do I permit Diane to be. As an American woman, she was accustomed to have men "hop to" when she spoke. Her wish was their command, (its just the natural order of things here--and getting worse).

She quickly learned that I didn't respond, I refused to hear demands (and don't make them) I refused to hear belittling comments( and don't make them) It truly is a matter of mutual respect.

I am expected to know HOW she shows me her love, frankly it doesn't make me "feel loved" but I believe its fair that I understand it is her way, likewise I don't feel obligated to accede to her demands. If she expresses herself well (and we are both inclined to give the benefit of the doubt) and I understand her, I'm inclined to do what I can to make her feel good. I do this because it is in my self interest, her treating me with respect AND being concerned with my happiness makes me treat her with respect and be concerned with mine.

I do think you are correct, that people get (not what they deserve) but what they expect. I expect to be treated civilly and I expect my adult wife to act like an adult, I expect it, I ONLY respond positively to it, and I get it.

With regard to the 24 year mark, if she needs to go... she needs to do what makes her happy.

(Name)

.........

I responded:

(Name),

Thanx for your note. I enjoy being challenged because I want to learn all I can about this issue. I am intrigued by your perspective. I agree that women try to control men and they are prone to making belittling remarks. It’s not an American problem. It is universal. I believe they are hardwired to do it. There is a fascinating book called The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle that admits that this behaviour is common among women. She contends that women lose respect for their male partners because of their behaviour. I believe their motivation provides a clue to putting an end to the phenomenon. In the manuscript I wrote:

“They sound like they are trying to control you because they feel insecure. When they try to arrange everything and give you a list of things to do, then check up on you like your mother used to, it’s because they are anxious. They feel responsible for everything. They believe nothing will get done without their interference. It could be you let her do too much and don’t pull your weight. You’ll put an end to controlling behaviour when she trusts you to take an active part in planning and carrying out activities. Pull your weight. Don’t leave running the household to her. Call the electrician. Pick up things at the supermarket that you notice you are running out of at home. Show her you are thinking about things she would normally have to worry about. Don’t leave it all to her or she’ll feel overwhelmed and start passing on her anxieties to you in the form of instructions and worse, negative comments about your decisions in other matters. Once she can trust you to be part of the team, she’ll relax and the pressure will come off both of you.”

I don’t believe men have to carry an equal share of domestic duties. I don’t believe women want them to. Women want to feel loved. They want to know that they are thought about. When a man cooks a meal, tidies a room, makes a bed, takes the kids off her hands, runs errands without being asked... He’s not saying “I am your slave.” He is saying, “I am aware of you. I care about you. I love you.” It’s the communication of emotion that eliminates controlling and belittling behaviour, not the physical act.

When a woman feels loved, a man can get away with anything. Far from being castrated, I am now far more likely to get what I want since I learned how to communicate my feelings by actions. Far from becoming a eunuch, I have a more active sex life now than at any time in our relationship, excepting the first 12 months.

Your refusal to be intimidated by demands and expectations is a very healthy response. Standing up for yourself is called “differentiation”.

Ray, my book is primarily written for men whose women are walking out on them. It is a strategy for winning back something that has been lost. When she’s walking out – and you want her to stay – it’s not the time for differentiating or standing firm. You do whatever it takes. My strategy is simply this: Stage 1: Surrender, fall on your sword, unilateral surrender. This should throw her off balance and make her curious enough to stick around for a while. Stage 2. Overachieve as an attentive lover – a massive love offensive on every front. For as long as it takes to convince her your love is real. Stage 3. Balance is restored gradually as her sense of natural justice kicks in.

Your definition of human nature – the Utilitarian Theory (acts of love are merely enlightened self interest; people will take whatever they can get) - probably precludes Stage 3. My definition – the Unconditional Theory (true love is motivated by nothing more than true love; people will sacrifice everything for love) - makes Stage 3 possible.

Nonetheless, this explains why I recommend the approach you find objectionable. Mine is a recovery strategy. I wouldn’t recommend it as a way to start a new relationship. (Though during the Infatuation stage of a love affair, we feel inclined to do anything for the loved one.)

I AM FASCINATED TO KNOW how the manuscript came into your possession. I say this because I was within a few hundred miles of you for the first time in my life when I was in Vermont only a week ago. And I left the only copy of the manuscript I had with me in Vermont with a dairy farmer called Abe Collins from Stanton. Then I get an email from you in Mass. Did someone pass it on to you?

I am interested because I am a student of the way ideas move throughout societies. I am somewhat of an authority in Australia on ‘word of mouth” dispersal of ideas.
(www.michaelkielymarketing.com.au)

Michael Kiely

Why men won't talk about it

2006-10-12T09:54:00.000+10:00

THE MYTH OF THE KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR REVEALS THE SECRET TO SUCCESS IN RELATIONSHIPS FOR MEN.
I received many requests for the book after our story was published in That's Life magazine. Most were from women and many had the same problem - they weren't able to talk to their partners about the problems in their relationships. In some cases it strated with a traumatic experience, like the death of a child. He closes down. Shuts off. Won't talk.
Now I am not a counsellor or a psychiatrist. But I am a man. And I can give you a few insights.
Men don't talk because it hurts. We have no words to say, no language we can use. All we have are feelings. Women can talk about their feelings easily and they can't understand why we can't. It's not that we don't want to. We just can't. Whether we're born tounge-tied or society makes us that way, that's how we are. If she wants to talk about "us", he knows he's on a hiding to nothing. No matter what he says, he'll be wrong. So why open your mouth? Just hunker down until it passes over. She interprets his reaction as "I don't care for you" when in reality it means "I can't cope. I love you but I can't take the pain of another one way conversation that always has me in the wrong."
Now what can we do with a man who refuses to talk? First, don't punish him. He will start to associate "talking" with punishment. Instead, make him feel secure. Tell him you love him, that you don't want to harass him or make him feel uncomfortable.
THE DRAGON MUST BE FACED AND VANQUISHED BEFOR THE MAIDEN CAN BE FREE
TO GIVE HER HEART. Try the Empathy Exercise: try to 'walk a mile in his shoes'; try to feel what it's like being him. It's very different to yuor life.
If you truly love him, empathy and compassion shouldn't be hard. (All through this exercise you should remember: you love this person. Let love direct your steps.)
Monitor your language - listen to your tone of voice. What is he hearing - a carping, accusing, moaning, complaining, bitchy version of the beautiful creature he fell in love with? Would you respond positively to that? No.
If everything mentioned so far fails, you might need to take drastic action: Have sex with him. ("Men need to have sex to feel loved. Women need to feel loved to have sex.") Remember, he feels insecure. He might be more open to talking after sex.
Now that's one approach to him - I would respond to this sort of treatment, I think.
But there's another aspect of this: He has a responsibility to do the hard yards and learn to speak his heart. It's a central part of the love contract - "I share me with you and you with me". Guys can't be allowed to shelter behind a 'weak male' syndrome. Life is about challenge. Growing. That's what being a male is about. Our ancient myths tell us this truth. The knight in shining armor who slays the dragon and frees the maiden and wins her heart is simply a myth story. The knight is the man, the maiden is his wife or partner, and the dragon is his ego. It threatens the maiden and must be vanquished by the male before he can be worthy of the maiden's hand.
My book - Man Overboard: A Self Defence Courfse For Men In Marriage - attempts to give men the language they need to understand and respond to their women's need to talk about "us". More work needs to be done in this area.
Guys, I have found that staying on the front foot makes like so much easier. Make the woman feel loved by your attentions and your actions. She won't need to talk about "us" all the time. And when she does, she'll be in a better mood. She'll feel secure in your love, buddy.
But, Ladies, he has to move in the right direction - or else. Or else you are faced with a decision - stay or go.

Baby Boomers marriages go KABOOM!

2006-09-10T04:15:00.000+10:00

When my wife of 25 years told me she wanted out of our marriage, it hit me like a bombshell. I felt alone and isolated. Now I know that many men of my generation are going through the same thing. (That's why I wrote my book Man Overboard: A Self Defence Course For Men In Marriage - the text of which appears in the first post of this blog.)
Many more long term marriages are falling apart in Australia, reports the Australian Institute of Family Studies. The figures show the number of couples who have divorced after at least 25 years of marriage has increased by 50% since 1985, rising to 16% of all divorced couples by 2004. And demographers predict it would egt worse because many baby boomers now in their early 50s were married before the Family Law Act 1975 brought in no-fault divorce. Pairing upn the late 1960s and early 1970s, when divorce was still a social taboo, in many cases they endured a not-so-wonderful marriage for 30 years. Midlife crisis brings time to re-evaluate what they want in the next 30 years. The Australian Bureau of Statistics reports the number of men aged 50 to 59 who are divorcing has also almost doubled, from 10.6% in 1985 to 19.7% in 2004. Same for women.In 1985, the number of females aged 50 to 59 granted a divorce was 6.9%. By 2004, that had risen to 14.8%.
Counselling services report more older couples seeking help with their relationships. People are living longer and they know that their marriages are going to go on for longer. They'll be married without children longer than ever before.
In an ageing population, in that last phase of married life - the longest - people are confronted with issues like declining health and retirement. Couples are thrown together and don't know how to deal with each other. many marriages don't survive.
The baby boomers were the last generation to marry young. In 1971 the average bride in Australia was 21 and the average groom was 23. After that, in the 1980s and 1990s, no one got married that young. The stigma of divorce has also dissappeared.
Bernard Salt, a demographer, told the Sydney Morning Herald:
"It's like freedom for the last generation who were caught in an old-world social paradigm of a 21-year-old girl announcing her engagement on her 21st birthday, getting married before she was 22, pregnant by 23 and living with this guy for 30 years," he said. "She turns 50 and she thinks, I'm just not happy, and could not have made that decision [before] because of her values, her mindset, her upbringing, because of the social stigma of divorce, because of the children, because of financial reasons. The gap grew over rearing of kids and kept on widening.

LAST CHANCE TO INFLUENCE THE BOOK!

2006-08-10T10:05:00.000+10:00

Hi,

I am doing the last edit on the book this blog is based upon: MAN OVERBOARD: A SELF DEFENSE COURSE FOR MEN IN MARRIAGE. You can find it posted on the very first post of this blog - or you can email a request to me for a free copy delivered by email. (michael@newhorizon.au.com) YOUR COMMENTS* WILL BE INCORPORATED IN THE FINAL MANUSCRIPT TO GO TO THE PRINTER.

Cheers!

Michael

PS> *Those that enhance the message.

My love is a work of art

2006-06-01T21:03:00.000+10:00

As a man who loves his wife with a passion, I never tire of looking at her. I love photographing her. She is everything womanly in the world to me. Am I crazy? She thinks I am. I see her beauty shining through ehr bad moods and her trying times.

"Love makes you selfish"

2006-05-20T12:06:00.000+10:00

"Love makes you selfish." These are the words of Caitlan Roberts, an accountant, who walked out on her husband and children to live with another man, a friend's husband who she met at their childrens' swimming club. The new man, David, said if he had to leave his chidlren, she had to leave hers as well. So she did.
He marriage wasn't bad - "You get to the stage of thinking: if I don't have passionate feeligns any more it's because I'm 45. I'm older now and I have kids growing up and that's the way thing shappen. Then you meet someone and something clicks," she said. The Telegraph of London article reports: "Their feelings for each other were so powerful that she knew she would have to leave her husband."
Caitlan suffered from the separation from her children, but she did it "for love".
The experts say Caitlan is a modern woman, like so many others, lured by the possibilities of alternative lives. Women, say the experts, have higher expectations of personal fulfilment. They are acting like men, they say, in walking away from their families to find happiness elsewhere.
Was Caitlan wrong? No she wasn't. Love makes you do strange things.
Caitlan's husband was the culprit. Caitlan is a woman. Women want to be in love, all the time. They are love machines. When they are not in love, they feel out of whack.
Caitlan's husband, a GP, was not truly engaged with his wife, so he left her unprotected and open to an approach from another man. A woman can't be in love with two men at the same time. So, in these days of women's high expectations, she'd better be in love with you or else she's hanging in the breeze and available.
And if you think "She'll never leave me, she's got too much to lose," think about this: Love makes people do very strange things. Love is a form of madness.
My advice: have a love affair with your wife running every day.

Don't do it, even if she wants it

2006-05-09T20:16:00.000+10:00

She may have put the hard word on you. You may have had too much to drink. You never intended it to happen. The whammo! It's over. You've done it. Your wife will never know. But you will. And it chips away at the intimacy between you. Undermines your certainty. Puts a flaw in the perfect crystal of your affair with your wife.
Oh, it's no use blaming your wife. If she'd only been more willing to... It's up to you to seduce her. And it's no use blaming the other woman. There are thousands of lonely women having sex with married men to get some attention.
And it's no use blaming yourself. Blame gets no one anywhere and anyone nowhere.
But there is only one person responsible for what you do: You. Do something about it.
Develop strategies to avoid it. Work on your relationship so that your wife is so happy she'll have sex with you anytime. (That is patently impossible, but it is something to aspire to.) You can give that lonely girl attention without bonking her. Mostly they just want to talk and share some intimate secret with someone. To give her the right signal, talk about your wife enthusiastically. Good luck!

How to get more sex when you want it

2006-05-06T12:54:00.000+10:00

My research tells me that 9 out of 10 men want more sex than their wives, and the 1 out of 10 who don't are dead.

It's easy to tell when she's not in the mood, because it's most of the time. You can accept that or do something about it. Like changing her mood. Sounds hard, but it's not.

Step 1: Change your approach. Instead of thrusting your crutch lump against her and growling like an animal, use your brains. Think. She's a woman. She is different. She gets aroused in a different way. Men get turned on without much stimulation, women take longer. Most women need some attention and some romance to get in the mood.

Sex is fun, so try starting out just having some fun together. Laughter. A romp. Tickling. A pillow fight. The experts say this can often lead to serious sex.

Stpe 2. Don't be crude. A rough approach can be a turn-off. "Hey babe, look at this. Let's use it." No go. This type of impersonal come-on usually fails.

Step 3. Make her feel wanted. Ie. make her feel you want her, not just her body. Try saying something like: "The warmth of your body and the fragrance of your hair make me go weak at the knees." "Your skin is so soft, I could stroke it forever." "When I wake up beside you in the mornings I want to just fall into your arms."

Step 4. Put in the ground work. Prove to her you think of her often, by bringing her little gifts. You'll be surprised how often this changes her moods.

Step 5. Pay attention to timing. She will have her rhythms. When she's worried or stressed, suggest a back massage or a foot massage. But don't push for sex. Help her with her chores to take the weight off her shoulders. Help her clear the decks. Help her get in the zone. Sometimes you just gotta wait.

Step 6. Focus on full-body love. Women dont want the first touch to be on the breast or the genitals. They want to be stroked all over. A gentle caress on the back or placing you hands around her waist... it pays to know what she finds erotic and romantic.

Step 7. Set the atmosphere. Most women need to feel relaxed to want sex. They don't want to be worried about anything. So take care of it. Make sure it's private. Make sure its relaxed. Make sure she feels secure. Cook a meal. Have candles. Just the two of you. Music she likes. And flowers. Make it memorable. And try to average a romantic 'incident' like this once every month or so. It will carry you though the month and create opportunities for sex.

Step 8. Ask her what puts her in the mood. As you become more intimate she'll open up. She might like taking a long walk, showering together or massage.

Whatever it takes is whatever it takes. If you want sex, you have got to work for it. Like the old song says, "Try a little tenderness."

Why we men are always wrong...

2006-05-03T10:05:00.000+10:00

Spent the weekend with Deepak Chopra. He made this outrageous statement: Men in western society are stuck at the emotional maturity level of 8 year olds. We're all little boys needing our mamas. If this is true, and I believe it was true in my case until the light went on, men are responsible for the failure of most relationships.
Hold on, that's a bit harsh, isn't it? Well no. Men are hardwired to be bad at relationships and women are hardwired to be good at them. It all started back in the wild days when we were hunters and the hunted. Men were warriors and could not afford compassion and softer feelings. Women kept the social units together by networking. Men learned how to kill big, dangerous animals and destroy enemies. Women were nurturers of children and their protectors, the men.
After we emerged from the jungle and settled down to civilised life - when there was less call for killing and more time for relationships - emotional skills became more important than physical skills.
Men found they have underdeveloped skills in this area. Their heads are still in the jungle, fighting and killing and destroying, thinking this is what their woman wants. It's tough because women do want the traditional protector and provider (they don't need them as much, but they like to know they're there). But they want a soul mate now.
This means men have to sheath the sword of the ego and learn the tender arts of surrender. Easy to say, hard to do. WHY?
One word; ego. Men have lots of it. Men build the big towering buildings and invent the amazing inventions and fly to the moon and paint the great masterpieces... because they feel the need to, because they are driven by ego to express their dominance and achievement.
EGO is the great enemy of relationship, love, and spiritual growth. When EGO rules, the conscious mind needs three things, according to Deepak: It has a need for Approval. It needs to be in Control. And it needs to be Right.
Living without these things takes more guts than fighting and killing and doing all those things that come naturally.
It takes guts to love a woman, to love anyone. Because love is painful. Because love makes the EGO do things it doesn't want to do.
HERE IS AN EXERCISE: Keep an eye on your reactions this next week. Try to catch yourself seeking APPROVAL. Try to catch yourself needing to be in CONTROL. Try to catch yourself needing to be RIGHT.

Just say it!

2006-05-01T13:29:00.000+10:00

Mark Twain was a wise man. He once said this:

"If husbands could realize what large returns of profit may be gotten out of a wife by a small word of praise paid over the counter when the market is just right, they would bring matters around the way they wish them much oftener than they usually do. Arguments are unsafe with wives, because they examine them; but they do not examine compliments. One can pass upon a wife a compliment that is three-fourths base metal; she will not even bite it to see if it is good; all she notices is the size of it, not the quality."

Helen Rowland looks at the same phenomenon from a different direction:

"Before marriage, a man will go home and lie awake all night thinking about something you said; after marriage, he'll go to sleep before you finish saying it."

12 stolen ideas

2006-04-27T15:15:00.000+10:00

When I went into my ‘love frenzy’, trying to woo the pants (literally) off my wife, I looked hard in bookshops, libraries and on the Net for a handbook of ideas – little cunning stunts you can pull that say “I Love You” in different, unexpected ways. But there was none available at the time – until the next year when Penguin brought out a little book called Hopeless Romantic: A Romance Manual For Men by Oliver Green and Matthew Keon. For less than $10 I got hundreds of wacky ideas – some of them too wacky for me, but good for starting your own thoughts.

The authors have a simple formula: E+C=R. Effort + Creativity = Romance. You provide the effort, they provide the creativity and you enjoy the fruits of romance.

Here are some of their ideas that I stole from their book:

1. Hide gifts, tickets to shows, etc. inside the book she is currently reading.
2. Have gifts delivered to her at home or at work in big boxes via courier.
3. Send her things through the mail, the old fashioned way. So few people do it.
4. SMS a message to her while you are at dinner. Key the message in while at the toilet, but don’t press send until you’re sitting across from her again. Eg. “I’m looking at the most beautiful girl in the world right now.”
5. Leave tickets, gifts, etc. in the glove compartment of her car.
6. Leave a love message inside the petrol compartment of her car.
7. Write a love message on the footpath somewhere she will see it, in chalk.
8. Write a message in hair gel on the mirror in the bathroom – it will become visible next time she showers. Refer to the beautiful person looking in the mirror.
9. Go to her place of work. Kiss her once, then leave.
10. Ring and say something loving, then hang up.
11. If you have a ceiling fan above the bed, clean the blades and sprinkle flower petals on them so that next time she turns it on she’ll be showered with love.
12. Arrive at her place of work with her bag packed and ready for a romantic weekend she doesn’t know about. They whisk her away for a fun-filled, mystery weekend.

Have you got the guts to do this?

2006-04-22T09:14:00.000+10:00

• POETRY – You don’t have to be a poet to write poetry; you just need to be inspired by the subject. Poetry doesn’t even have to rhyme. Make the words heartfelt. If you can’t get started, get hold of a book of love poetry and use it for ideas. Or simply copy out one that appeals and give it to her. She won’t mind if it’s not your original work. It’s the feelings that count. Read what you have written out to her when you are alone.

Have you got the guts to do this?

Little attentions, big results

2006-04-20T07:06:00.000+10:00

• LITTLE ATTENTIONS – A hundred small things make up the big message of love. Make the first thing you do when you get home to find her and kiss her/hug her/whatever. It reminds her she is #1. Remember to ask her about things she was planning to do during the day, to show you care. If you can, spend 20 minutes talking with her, making contact after the day, before turning to other things you want to do. Give her your full attention during these grounding sessions. She will feel heard and love you for it. It’s a form of foreplay. At other times, when she talks to you, try to give her your attention – even say “I’m listening” to drive the point home. Be on the lookout for signs she is tired or upset and ask her what’s wrong. Hug her several times each day for no reason. Touch her in non-sexual ways often, so she doesn’t feel every caress has to be about sex. Tell her “I love you” randomly throughout the day – call and leave the message on her voice mail. Show affection for her in public. Always pay more attention to her than others in public or at functions and parties. Hold her hand. Open the door for her. Look her in the eyes when talking to her. Ask her how she’s feeling. Make a fire or put on the heater in cold weather. (A primal male thing to do for a woman and she’ll love it.) Shower before sex. Leave the toilet seat down. Make the bed. Replace light bulbs promptly. Plan ‘dates’ several days ahead instead of at the last minute. Call when you’re going to be late. Take over some of her chores when she is tired. Take her for a walk. Compliment her for her hair or what she’s wearing.

"Try praising your wife, even if it does frighten her at first," said Billy Sunday.

Total Love Attack Continued

2006-04-16T06:16:00.000+10:00

Here's another little idea with big returns:

• LITTLE SOMETHINGS - I was at a loss what to do after running out of ideas of ways to surprise my wife with love tokens, when the words of a wonderful man I met through business came ringing back to me. John Ashe has smiled all the way through two marriages (both successful) and a bevy of daughters. He said “I always have a little something in my pocket for them when I come home.” Louisa likes a particular brand of chewing gum and so I’ll pick that up for her occasionally. I need to become more expert in the Ashe Method. It is plainly brilliant. It costs little to say “I thought about you today.”

Even more sure fire tactics of love

2006-04-12T11:42:00.000+10:00

• BUTLER - My son’s very beautiful and very observant girlfriend pointed out to my wife that I have become her butler. I make it a practice to bring her a cup of tea in bed in the mornings, and slice some fruit if we have any fresh, or juice some vegetables, whatever is available. I make her favourite poached eggs once or twice a week. And I have learned how to cook her favourite dish: lamb roast. I consciously put myself out to fetch things for her when I see her about to get up and get them for herself. I do it because I enjoy it and it feels good. And it is part of my “walking the talk” strategy. I stumbled onto it by sheer luck. My wife tripped and damaged her sciatic nerve, soon after my conversion. She was bed ridden for a week and needed to be chauffeured everywhere. I became her arms and legs for a few weeks, a good start for my campaign to win her heart.

• MASSAGE – This is the best relationship mender I can think of. It started for us when my wife’s damaged sciatic nerve left her in great pain. And has continued ever since. Feet, calves, thighs, buttocks, back, shoulders, neck, arms, hands, and that’s it. One rule: no sex afterwards unless she initiates it. It is not a trade for sex. She must feel no pressure, so she can enjoy the massage completely relaxed throughout. This might seem hard on the male masseur, but I find the joy of touching her body satisfying in itself. The physical closeness is what sex is mainly about. Fixation on orgasm is blocking lovers from the full enjoyment of sex, anyway. Sex catches up to you eventually and it is better for the wait. And what better way to demonstrate your love than by denying yourself the most basic urge. She knows what it means. I massage her twice or three times a week. I tell her what a privilege it is and how I get as much from it as she does. It won’t work if she feels guilty. You might have trouble getting her to agree at first. Keep trying. Start with only a foot massage. As she grows to trust you, it will develop.

We got a distribution deal!

2006-04-11T08:42:00.000+10:00

Australia's biggest independent book distributor has agreed to handle Man Overboard. Thanks to Warwick Marsh at the Fatherhood Foundation who gave me the contact at Woods Lane Distributors. We have been sent a contract and we are ready to press the button and hope that the Good Lord knows where the $10,000 we need to print and promote the book will come from, because I have no idea.

More fun ways to say "I love you"

2006-04-09T07:02:00.000+10:00

More "Total Love Attack" tactics

2006-04-02T04:04:00.000+10:00

• A BOTTLE OF SOMETHING –I was given a bottle of Grange as a gift. I usually regift something like that to someone who will appreciate it more than me. But I don’t do that no more, buddy. I took the last one away us on a weekend jaunt, opened it secretly while she was serving hamburgers and produced it with a flourish to her squeals of delight mixed with protests about the cost (not too much of the protest, though). This was following up an earlier surprise of a bottle of French champagne I snaffled from somewhere (another gift). The result: delirium. A six over the Members’ Stand and out of the ground.

• TIME – Spend time with her simply talking about anything. Be available. Come out of your cave. I read to her from books of love poetry. (WHOA! I can hear you shout. You don’t have to do anything I do. But my friend, it does the trick.) I like spending time with my wife. Once a wife sees that, she will be more willing to let me have my time.

How to say "I Love You" everyday

2006-04-02T03:57:00.000+10:00

Love is not something you feel. It's something you do, according to someone called David Wilkerson, and I agree with him.
You "do" love when you put yourslef out for the loved one. Sacrifice your time for them.
You also 'do' love by little signals...

Continuing my list of tactics for a total love attack:

• VOICE MAIL MESSAGES – I impersonate imaginary lovers calling my wife and conspiring to meet her behind my back. I put on accents and make impassioned pleas for her favours. It’s fun.

• YELLOW STICKY PADS – When I am going away for a few days on business, I sometimes go through the house with a little pad of sticky yellow notepaper and a black texta pen and leave variations on the theme “I Love You” in places she’ll find as the days wear on. In the freezer, under her pillow, on the bathroom mirror, in among her underwear, in her handbag, above the door so she won’t see it until she turns to leave the room, high up on the wall in a place I risk breaking my neck to reach. (Girls scream disapproval while you’re taking risks, but love it when the feat is complete.) I put one in the oven that she didn’t find until it nearly burst into flames when she turned it on without checking. Filled the kitchen with smoke. Laugh? Well, eventually she did.

"Don't talk of love, show me..."

2006-03-31T07:18:00.000+11:00

Continuing my list of tactics for the "Toal Love Attack" strategy:

• LINGERIE – This can be risky because there’s a good chance your wife doesn’t like a part of her anatomy and that’s likely to be highlighted in anything you buy. It’s probably one of your favourite parts and you’ll be amazed to find out it’s her least favourite. (Women are irrational about their bodies. They have deep-seated insecurities about how they look. Even the top models hate their bodies. It’s a crime.) Don’t spoil the surprise by asking her advice. Take a risk. You’ll soon learn what not to buy. Plucking up the courage to walk into a lingerie shop can be the toughest part of the process. But once inside the assistants are used to embarrassed male customers and all will go smoothly. I have spent eight hundred dollars on a small piece of lace and cloth sewn together by some French label and forty nine dollars on a two piece outfit, lace and satin… both delighted my wife and she wears both. The French stuff is usually quality. And you take fewer risks with quality. Ask the shop assistant to teach you how to tell a quality garment. Become an expert. Lingerie is not only nice to wear, it stimulates a woman’s sense of femininity… and can lead to erotic outcomes which are mutually pleasurable and good for mending broken hearts.

Total Love Attack

2006-03-22T18:32:00.000+11:00

Here are some of the tactics I employed to execute my strategy of a “Total Love Attack”:

• Flowers – A good solid performer, especially if they are unexpected. I surprised my wife by filling her bedroom with long stemmed roses (five or six dozen) one day while she was out. That’s a demonstration of commitment. In our gridlocked days she would have complained about the cost. But now she simply lets me go at it. She can’t stop me, anyway.

• Jewellery – Women tend to love it, so go for it. I bought her about six or seven smaller items and hid them – gift wrapped – all around the house in places Louisa could find them. The surprises were better thant the pieces of jewellery.

• Out to dinner – We do this anyway. So it’s not a big deal unless it is to someplace special or if it is unusual for you or there is …. (drum roll) … dancing! Girls love to dance. Men usually hate it because we’re brought up to run the ball upfield, not trip the light fandango. Don’t worry if you can’t dance, just be there with her and make an effort. Let yourself go and you’ll find the more relaxed you are, the sooner the dancer in you will emerge.

...more to come...

How to woo a woman everyday

2006-03-22T18:30:00.000+11:00

You remember how to woo a woman, don’t you? How did you win her the first time? You paid her attention. You took her to places. You had fun together. You were a fun guy to be with because you were interested in her.

You were interested in her. She was amazing – so beautiful and fresh and sexy and interesting. And best of all, she was interested in you. This made her even more interesting. You cared about her. You did not want anyone or anything to hurt or upset her. You were considerate. How did you show it? Do it again.

Now.

And then don’t stop.

Ever.

Women love to be pursued

2006-03-22T18:28:00.000+11:00

Women love to be pursued. Not harassed, but pursued by consent. They love the feeling of being a prize that a man will quest for. It makes them feel special. So they like persistence. Too many men – afraid of rejection or anticipating failure – give up the chase long before it is time.

This is true for sex with your long time partner as it is for capturing the affections of a new partner. A woman might say goodnight and mean it, but she is still open to seduction. She’ll tell you if she’s not when you start. The most seductive thing you can do is capture her attention with words. Sometimes a fantasy story spun out of your imagination – about how the two of you meet in an unexpected encounter and how it leads to a sexual experience – can get the juices flowing. Sometimes a woman can get turned on by hearing about your encounters with other women in past lives. (Sometimes not. It depends on the degree of trust you have won. Tread lightly with this one.)

Keep a close watch on her reactions and pursue the hunt where it leads. At the same time, don’t ever back away when she wants to be the aggressor. Don’t think you’ve got to be the one on top. Learning to receive is as important as learning to give.

The tactic that delivers lots of unbelievable sex

2006-03-22T18:23:00.000+11:00

Let’s get down to it. What do you want out of life? Wait: I can guess: lots of unbelievable sex and a life free from nagging. Well, here is the carrot for following the steep path of love. You get to do the things you want to do – have more sex, stay up late to watch the game, eat unhealthy food, etc. And you get to laugh a lot more. Why? Because your wife is happy because she is in love – madly in love – with you.

How can this be? It’s because you have wooed her all over again, only this time the infatuation doesn’t fade. It becomes permanent… because you dedicate yourself to wooing her. Everyday. Ceaselessly.
Why must you woo her? Because inside their minds and hearts women only want one thing: to be in love, all the time. Sweet romantic love, from a Prince Charming who showers them with attention and affection. It works like a perpetual motion machine:

Step 1. You act in a loving way.
Step 2. She becomes more loving and loveable.
Step 3. You in turn find it easier and more fun to give her loving attention.
Step 4. She in turn becomes more loving… and on it goes.

The term “making love” means having sex today. But there was a time when a man could be making love to a woman just by paying her attention. Women love attention. They feel affection for those who give them attention. You “make” love grow in a woman by wooing her. She in turn makes love grow in you by her reaction – sweet, sweet lovin’.

First aid for sick marriages

2006-03-20T20:56:00.000+11:00

Surrender is emergency treatment for a marriage sliding into the divorce courts. If you do nothing else in the short term but Surrender, you should have bought the time you need to salvage the situation. In most cases. If you can get her to stop seeing the lawyer, stop kicking you out of the family home, stop walking out the door herself, you have stopped the bleeding. Now you need to work on a cure, and fast.

Surrender is so unexpected and powerful, it usually stops women in their tracks. They can’t handle it. They’ve never seen it before… especially in you. The uncharacteristic behaviour that follows catches them by surprise and puts a question into their minds. “Maybe he’s genuine. Maybe he’s flipped his lid. He might have changed. Let’s see…”

And you’re back on the front foot. You’re controlling the agenda. You’re controlling the timing. You are centre stage. Now it’s time for the performance of your life. Now it’s time for the wooing to start again, big time.

Throw down your arms! Surrender!

2006-03-17T04:45:00.000+11:00

Recently Marie read the manuscript of Man Overboard and wrote detailed notes (which I will treasure and learn by). In more than one place she brought up the issue of sexual politics and the power imbalance in many relationships. This forced me to confront the feminist paradigm and say which side I am on...

Here is one such comment, followed by my reply:

"Page 24: Many women will be alienated by "you will love a woman into submssion". Women do not want to submit as they already feel imbalanced from a power perspective. This line may put them into the opposite affect of needing to overcompensate for their lack of power. They want to be equal and respected and in doing so will love back in a way that will respect and pleasure their their partner as well."

Dear Marie,

You have opened my eyes to another perspective. I will re-read the manuscript with your suggestions beside me.

Meanwhile let me address one theme – about sexual politics. I feel there could be a new paradigm.

I am aware of the issues. I was Miriam Dixson’s research assistant when she was writing The Real Matilda, a feminist history of Australia. That was in 1975. I haven’t read the books you mention.

Have you read The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle? I think I quote it in the manuscript. It takes a radical position re sexual politics. She believes that women (many women) want to be ‘husbanded’ - made to feel secure and protected by a man. She recommends that women force their husbands into this role and stop letting them off the hook by doing the family finances and planning all the outings and holidays and replacing the light bulbs, etc. while he plays golf or earns a living or whatever excuse he hides behind. She also advises women to stop belittling their men and reducing them to the status of naughty boys or incompetent nincompoops. She advises them to say, “Whatever you say” when he makes some lame-brained suggestion, throwing the responsibility back on the man to think through the consequences of his decisions. Be the helmsman instead of the passenger. Once given the power to wreck the ship, he is more likely to seek his wife’s opinion. The old-style traditional male position was all power no responsibility. A man fulfilling the role of husband - protector and provider – has all the responsibility and his power is prescribed by his desire to make his wife happy.

I could leave the dishes in the sink, but I won’t because I want to make my wife happy. I could leave the bed unmade but I won’t because... I could stay out late drinking .... And so long as my life is dominated by its chief function – making my wife happy – power relations don’t come into it.

That is what I mean by loving her into submission. It is not a submission to my will but a submission to her desire to be loved, cherished, cared for, thought about, considered, made to feel special...
Remember that my action plan involves complete submission on my part... Total.

I am a feminist. I have always been ideologically a feminist. (Not always practically or domestically. That has been a hard lesson to learn, having been bought up by a mother who did absolutely everything for me.)

I never sought to dominate a woman or sexually control a situation. I erred on the side of giving control to the woman. And guess what? Those same women were suckers for guys who treated them bad, used them then drifted away... I was always a ‘friend’, but when it came to romance they went for the blokes who were bastards to them. I could never figure it out, until my epiphany. I now believe that, primally, women have an echo of their ‘submissive’ role in ancient times when survival was by brute force and a woman needed a man to protect and provide for her children as they grew to self sufficiency...

But even then the woman held great power. In a fantastic book called Driven: How Human Nature Shapes Our Choices by Paul R. Lawrence, the author argues that women in these times bred selectively only with males willing and able to bond (ie. Stick around while their kids could grow strong enough to fend for themselves in the wild). In other words, women decided whose genes would live on and whose would not pass on. The modern man’s impulse to bond is the outcome of generations of choices by females.

As evidence of this primal echo, I believe women like to be pursued. Sounds like caveman stuff, but these are the facts of life as I have encountered it.

My fundamental thesis is that love submits to love. Love dissolves the power struggle.

Sexual politics is the negation of love because politics is the mechanism whereby sectional interests compete for dominance. That means ego seeks to defeat ego.

But love is not ego. Ego is the negation of love. We can’t love when we focus on ourselves. (However we can’t give love to another until we first learn to love ourselves.)

I believe in sexual politics if it means kicking him in the groin to get his attention. A crisis must be precipitated. I believe in differentiation – being self-validated. Being the change you want to see in others.

I am on the other side of the crisis, waiting with my radical strategy of unilateral surrender that endures as long as it takes to win her confidence and erase the pain of all the insults and injuries. Once back in balance (the woman decides when it is time to swing the pendulum back to the middle) things will never be the same. For love to prevail, there can be no seeking after justice. It’s best not to expect it.

The Prayer of St Francis says “Father may I never seek as much to be consoled as to console, to be understood as to understand, to be loved as to love...”

This won’t work for everyone. For some people the pain is too great, the leap of faith too far, the risk too big. But for those who ‘get it’, it makes a permanent change.

And love grows by this magic process: Love sees love loving and loves love.

I know there are many damaged women, damaged by damaged men, who in turn were damaged by damaged women and men. The path to healing for them is forgiveness because it is empowering and re-integrating and reaffirming of a person’s personhood.

Since writing the book I have learned a lot about love – that pain is its twin and they travel everywhere together. Pain is bearable when it has meaning. The pain of love has meaning.

I am sorry, this has been a rant. You were so kind to read my manuscript and thoughtfully so. And to spend the time critiquing. I want you to understand the clear distinction I draw between love and sexual politics and why I don’t dwell on the latter.

Yours,

Michael

"I read it in one sitting and was rivetted"

2006-03-15T21:32:00.000+11:00

Michael,

Thank you for the copy. I read it in one sitting and was rivetted. As a woman, wife and mother I found it refreshing. As a psychotherapist I believe it will be useful. There are some specific points I would like you to consider in relation to comments that I have and will reply with those over the next few days as I have a chance.

Regards

Marie

(Thank you, Maria. Your comments will be very welcome. And you, dear blog reader. Your comments would be welcome also. You'll find the complete manuscript on the September 2005 post that started thid blog.)

Crushed like a grape

2006-03-12T22:02:00.001+11:00

If ever a book was divinely inspired, it is The Mystery of Marriage by Mike Mason. Every page is a revelation. Try this:
"Socially, legally, physically, emotionally, every which way, there is just no other means of getting closer to another human being, and never has been, than marriage. Such extraordinary closeness is bought at a cost, and the cost is nothing more or less than one's own self. No one has ever been married without being shocked at the enormity of this price and at the monstrous inconvenience of this thing called intimacy that suddenly invades one's life."
The best is yet to come. Mike knows the answer to the question: why is loving so hard to do? "All of life is, in one way or another, humbling. But there is nothing like the experience of being humbled by another person and by the same person day in and day out. It can be exhausting, unnerving, infuriating, disintegrating. There is no suffering like the suffering involved in being close to another person. But neither is there any joy nor any real comfort at all outside intimacy, outside the joy and comfort that are wrung out like wine from the crush and ferment of two lives being pressed together."
Like a humble grape, being crushed in a wine press.
When I hear anyone's story of suffering in marriage, I recall the days I spent wandering around that farm in the New England for 10 days alone after meeting my future wife. Thinking there was something momentous about to happen, teetering on the edge of a chasm that I wanted to fall into to. Sinking, surrendering to the overwhelming power of love, with the feeling deep inside that danger and suffering awaited me there. I couldn't run away, but I yearned that the cup be taken away. The suffering of loving is as inevitable for me and you as it was for Christ in the Garden.
Surrendering to it does not make it any less painful. But it does give meaning to the pain.
The Garden was called Gethsename. I was looking just now, before posting this, for an image and came across the fact that the word Gethsemane is Aramaic for "place of the wine press".
We are all of us in the Garden of Love, Marissa.

And it stoned me

2006-03-10T00:03:00.000+11:00

"Love doesn't just sit there like a stone.

"It has to be made, like bread, remade all the time, made new."

Ursula K. LeGuin

Marissa's Story: A kick in the groin?

2006-03-08T03:22:00.000+11:00

This email was sent to me by Marissa in response to a post dated 7/2/06 "The moment of terror that lasted 30 years". Marissa kindly gave me permission to post it here as it is... My advice to her follows at the end.

....................
I read Michael Kiely's account of his "terrifying" feelings of marriage after realising the gravity of the commitment he had made and thought about the question he asks: "Is this a psychological condition that people go through? Should marriage carry a warning label?".

I am not sure that anyone can answer such a question as a generalisation, and still make it meaningful to the reader. For my part, I was certain I wanted to marry my now ex-husband - never an ounce of doubt. I did not marry with any ideal or illusion that life would forever be perfect, because it didn't have to be to meet my needs. I knew all of his "baggage" and he knew mine. I was happy to accept eveything about him even when things began to go horribly wrong. We married in 1989 but formally broke up in early 2004…

In my marriage, I can only lament that he never felt the need to be faithful or at least honest about his discomfort with, or desire to leave the marriage.

Having said this, it was not until I left our home (most reluctantly!) and performed an autopsy on "what happened" that I realised the indicators were always there that he wasn't sure at all - not about me, but about himself.

For example, he revealed to a close friend that he first became concerned that he married "the wrong woman" after I had played the 5c pokie machines during our honeymoon trip…

Retrospectively, I believe in his own strange way he "loved" me, but only married me because there was pressure amongst his peers to move out and settle down. However, unlike our marriage, his peers stayed faithful and devoted to their families, so much so, it deeply hurt his best friends to know of his infidelity and deceit.

In fact, on some pressure from me and in a rare moment of honesty when he finally revealed his disatisfaction with his life, much to my relief, I featured at the bottom of a list of some seven issues of angst and frustration, which included his job, house, car, income, unfulfilled career expectations, etc... By way of example, the three things he claimed to most "hate" about me were: 1) I wiped my 'hands on the tea towel'; 2) I had 'good communication skills' and that 3) we would 'argue every six months'. Foolishly, I saw these things as somewhat of a "positive" or "successful" marriage myself, but go figure!

After the second reason given for his misery in the marriage, I was left with almost nowhere to go in terms of trying to improve myself and trying to make things better for him; even though by then I had stopped wiping my hands on the tea towels and decided to stop challenging his views and wishes on almost anything - letting him have his way. Of course, that made him no happier!

Despite my last-ditch bid to save the marriage over some 5 years, it proved entirely futile to that end. I now know nothing could have saved it because our breakup was not really about me. Having said that, I do believe I am a better person for having tried, even though in many respects I have set myself back at least five years, career-wise and financially.

However, had I not made every effort at that critical time, I would now be living with more regret than I would care to be burdened with. Equally, I would have made more foolish, hasty and ill-considered decisions based on anger, spite and hurt rather than the love and respect I want to be able to feel for him for the sake of our kids, as much as any other reasons.

I would urge any reader who is currently facing the hard decision of "Do I stick-it-out or do I end the relationship?", to do the former, and to stick-it-out for as long as possible. Use that as an opportunity to look at yourself and how to bring out the best in the other person through your own personal development, if that is at all possible. Forget trying to change the other person first. That never works for very long.

Work on "non-violent acts of love", guided by forgiveness, patience and
compassion (corny as that sounds) and, above all, always keep the lines of communication open and non-threatening (and, boy, can that be trying and difficult!). It was advice given to me by several dear friends and worthy advice I heeded and never regretted. Of course, it's always easier said than done - but therein lies the challenge. {If you don't know what I am referring to, read Martin Luther King, Ghandi and Nelson Mandela's worksand apply it to your home situation - no matter how troubled or dysfunctional.}

One day, after coming home and being given a box of chocolates for a special occasion by my husband, I was most hurt to find he had shared the entire box of chocolates with friends, and I missed out on even one.

However, this was just one in a long series of upsetting things that week which I had noted from him and I really didn't care about the chocolates anyway. More, what I believed to be a deliberate act of calousness or carelessness on his part. I was so angry and offended by his behaviour, I spent three days carefully "psyching myself up" and working on what my "act of love" response would be, even though I was quite convinced he did not deserve it. Nonetheless, as it was a personal undertaking I had every intention to follow through with that promise to myself.

So I organised a special Mexican dinner - his absolute favourite! I phoned him to arrange the menu, shopped for the ingredients, set the table, cooked it to perfection and he ate it with relish. I made dinner a most genuinely pleasant occasion from my part. I even got thanked for it, which was a bonus, lame as that sounds...

However, it was not long before another incident erupted where again I was left feeling rejected and he knew how offensive his behaviour was (I don't even recall the detail of it now). After bursting into tears, I confronted him and asked, "Have you not noticed that every time you do something hurtful, I respond with something kind?". His answer was "No!", which only added to my hurt. I then pointed out that I had been practicing my "non-violent" responses to his every slight or rejection of me for over two years, at that stage, but that my kindness was never being noticed and that this left me feeling my efforts were totally in vain... I am certain that had he tried "non-violent actsof love" he might have genuinely felt some along the way (ie. "do the actions first, the feelings come later").

In the end, I can honestly say I didn't "give up" on my marriage (although I felt guilty about it for a long time). Rather, I only gave him what he really wanted - his freedom from remaining married.

I would, however, like to believe that my promise to "act out of love" is something I will continue to work on now in my dealings with everyone who really challenges my opinion of them and my patience.

.........

MY RESPONSE (NOW):

I think you got the message of my book wrong, Marissa. "Non-violent acts of love" is how males should react to female behaviour. If your ex was as screwed up as you say, you owed it to him to commit some violent acts of love on him to shake him up, like a kick in the groin. You see, men are so stupid when it comes to women and love. IS this man happily enjoying his freedom? No, he's bloody miserable.

MY RESPONSE (WHEN I FIRST RECEIVED THIS EMAIL):

I am very touched by the story of the "passion" of your marriage. (Passion in the sense of suffering for love.) I know the dimensions of your anguish, although I can never know how badly you were hurt.

If only we can get some meaning from what appears to be futile suffering. If it is meant to be, someone tell me why. Why were your loving responses rebuffed and ignored?

Infidelity is a cry for help, like shoplifting and many failed suicide attempts. You (ex)husband sounds like he has got a lot of growing to do. The petty irritations mask a deeper wellspring of fear.

I'll pray that love triumphs in your situation, as it must. The solution to every situation lies in the infinite possibilities that arrive on our doorstep with every new day.

MY PREFERREDRESPONSE: The kick in the groin.

"Only a wife would say that!"

2006-03-06T02:58:00.000+11:00

The words popped out of my mouth before I could stop them: "Only a wife would say that!" They came so naturally and yet their effect was explosive. Let me explain: Occasionally, in the heat of conversation, you'll be explaining something and you'll quote a figure or state a fact that is not in itslef important, but you miss the mark recollecting the exact figure or fact and you blurt out something to support your point, then move on. No one but a pedant would sotp your flow and humiliate you in front of a group of people, but this voice pipes up: "No, that's not right. it's nearer to (whatever)..." And it is th melifluous tones of your beloved's voice. A sane man simply looks at his watch, shouts "IS that the time?" and rushes out of the room. An insane man says: "Only a wife would say that!" I am insane. I had to apologise like a bastard, thinking all the time "It's you who should be apologising." She was deeply hurt by the remark, perhaps because it hit home. Your best friend wouldn't do it, so why will a wife do it? Exercise compassion, Michael. Likely explanation: she realised what she had done and attacked me for saying something that humiliated her in public (the mirror image of what she had done to me). Often when we have a go at somedone for doing something, if we look back at ourselves we find that we have done the same thing and we're covering for ourselves. (The Bible says don't worry about the spec in your brother's eye, worry about the log in you own eye.) The fact is I humilated her in retaliation, without meaning to. It comes so easily to me to hurt her feelings, as it does to all of us. ("You always hurt the one you love..." goes the old song.) Why are we so cavalier with the feelings of those closest to us? Why can't we say all the praiseworthy things they do all the time?
Anyway, as luck would have it, a couple of days later she was in a position to say, "Only a husband would say that..." and we had a laugh. She's a wonderful woman because she's human and subject to human frailty. By sheer luck, so am I! We will stagger on together, wearing off the rough edges of each other to make the perfect partner, like it says in the book.

Who are you calling 'submissive'?

2006-03-06T02:49:00.000+11:00

I found the following on a blog called “Yes, I'm a submissive man!” (I lifted the illustration to show you.)
This blog describes itself as “The online journal and insights of an evolved, respectful submissive man in Portland, Oregon. I hope to encourage thoughtful Female-friendly discussion of the benefits of Female Led Relationships as well as celebrate and discuss the Dominant Female/submissive male dynamic in relationships and society. All are welcome.”

It had this article on it about submissive guys – which is possibly how I come across in Man Overboard (thanks to the strategy of radical surrender). But I’m not naturally submissive. So to clear this up, I am running the item I found plus my comment that I left on the blogsite:

………………………..
The Five Levels of Matriarchal Marriage

by Michael Blanc

A marriage does not take place in isolation. It is a social understanding that involves not just the couple involved, but family, friends, workmates and all members of the social system.

Because of this, there is an extraordinary amount of pressure to conform to patriarchal traditions. The threat of losing the support of family, losing friends and perhaps even a job (though no employer would blatantly admit that this may have influenced them) is a ponderous weight that results in many couples simply caving in to the pressure.

The net result of this is that a huge percentage of married couples that are in female-led relationships are not formally acknowledged or identified as such by the larger culture. These couples can be categorized in at least five disparate groups.

Level 1. The first group is composed of couples that have come to an informal -almost jocular - acknowledgement of their relative positions within the relationship. You'll often hear older men refer to "checking things out with the boss." In such relationships the reality of the power structure in the marriage is camouflaged behind a guise of good humor, and is accepted as a joke by others around them.

Level 2. A second group is "yes dear" group that includes passive men and dominant women who quietly go about their marriage without much fuss or the raising of eyebrows by others. In both of the first two groups there is a conspiracy of silence between the wife and the husband, so that the issue of power dynamics is never really dealt with at a conscious level. Problems come up, decisions are made and the couple goes about their lives with a quiet understanding of their roles, but with no formal discussion of them. In another time, men in such relationships were mocked for being "henpecked", yet ironically, such couples were often well matched and their marriages were quite stable and enduring.

Level 3. A third group (of which my wife Lori and I are a part) is comprised of couples that are able to honestly discuss the disparity in their respective roles, and acknowledge in the privacy of their homes the primacy of the wife in the decision making role. Once this private reality is accepted and a covenant is made, it begins to open the door to a new realm of previously unchallenged sex roles at the dinner table, in the car, in daily household chores and--yes--in the bedroom as well.

Level 4. A fourth group includes couples that have come to an understanding of their female-led relationships and have had the courage to reveal its nature beyond the private confines of the home. One would likely begin to find men here who have taken their wives surnames in marriage. In this group there is no attempt made to hide or deceive others regarding the nature of the relationship, but neither is there any attempt to confront cultural norms by flagrantly and vocally disclosing information that might otherwise be kept private. Couples in this group do not shy away from disclosing truth, but usually haven't the time to deal with the battles that confrontation might bring.

Level 5. The fifth group is only now emerging, as is evidenced by the new Venus On Top book and Venus On Top Society online community. These are couples that are willing to invest the time and effort to advance the cause of female-led relationships for others for whom this is right. It can be an exhausting task and may at times seem all consuming, but it's probably a necessary step to make this vision of a new world a reality.

As a psychiatric social worker, I've often had the occasion to counsel couples who are struggling with a culturally expected gender roles, yet find it's a poor fit for them given the realities of their personalities.

Currently, even the more modern social ideal of the 50/50 relationship is probably only workable for about 60% of married couples. For another 20% - the traditionalists - a male-led relationship might be appropriate and should be accepted by the greater society. At the other end of the spectrum is the neglected or ignored 20% that is only now beginning to be the source of discussion.
The Venus On Top Society is rendering an incalculable service to those who have struggled long to deal with themselves, their marriages, and cultural dictates that are so opposed to everything that is so right for them.

MY COMMENT

I discovered the way to repair a damaged marriage and pull mine back from the brink of divorce was total submission - complete surrender to the woman. However unlike your 5 typologies, the dynamic shifts as the repair takes place and she learns she can trust me. Absolute surrender, compete unilateral forgiveness, and then unrelenting wooing were the three strategies I employed, and with dramatic effect. WOMEN must have sovereignty in a relationship, not necessarily all the power. They enjoy being swept off their feet by a masculine man, ravished, the placed back on a pedestal, not back in the laundry or the kitchen. This isn't a modern development. There's a celtic myth about the hag or princess by night or by day who decided, because the knight (who was being forced to marry her) had given her the right to choose, to be a princess by night and by day. It's magic. All women become princesses when they are given sovereignty, and they then free the knight to live his life in relative freedom, so long sa he remebers who set him free and wins her hand and her heart every day. I have written a bit of a book about it and it's available free on my blog http://manoverboardbook.blogspot.com. It's called Man Overboard: A Self Defense Course For Men In Marriage. It helps the traditional male realise it was never going to last. It helps the 50:50 get back to square after the inevitable explosion and it justifies the submissive male and reveals the heroism of his choice. More than mere survival, he has recognised the joy, not oof submissiveness as weakness, but of the submission of his personal interests to the interests of the woman he loves. The sublimation of ego through love. Love begets love. Submission begets submission. Loves gyroscope spins. Love is the only form of energy that can be created or destroyed. I'm for creative submission._And so is she.__Michael Kiely

The Physics of Love

2006-03-03T04:49:00.000+11:00

'LOVE IS THE ONLY FORM OF ENERGY THAT CAN BE CREATED OR DESTROYED'

Energy cannot be created or destroyed. Matter cannot be created or destroyed. According to the Law of the Conservation of Energy, developed by Albert Einstein (I'll check that), we live in a Universe that is a closed system. You can transform matter into energy and vice versa. And Quantum Physics tells us all matter is energy anyway. But no matter (heh!) how hard we try we cannot destroy either of them.

Love is a form of spiritual energy. Love is different to physical energy because there are no limits on it. You can grow the love you feel, fill a room, fill a football stadium with it. If all the people in the world grew their love by 1%, imagine the incremental change in the atmosphere.

The Maharishi's organisation has proved scientifically many times that a group of people practicing meditation together can change the atmosphere in a location. A small group practicing the "Siddhi" form of transendental meditation can lower the crime rate in a city. This has been verified. The theory is that we are all connected on many levels - quantum mechanics tells us we are part of the same power grid of energy below the surface of the atoms, where our eyes cannot see.

If this is so, you can generate love around you simply by feeling more love - for life, for nature, for others, for anything.

And love can be destroyed. Usually by fear. Fear is the absence of love. Love is a positive energy. Fear is a void of positive energy. And evil is the result of a prolonged absence of positive energy.

Love is the antidote to the poison circulating in the world today.

I owe these thoughts to the teachings of Deepak Chopra, a fellow old boy of Christian Brothers College, his being in Mumbai (Bombay), India, and mine in Tamworth, NSW.

You can grow your heart, starting today

2006-03-03T04:36:00.000+11:00

Everyone in the world is in some kind of pain.
Feel it, and you will understand them.
When they feel you understand, they will hear you.
Only then will you know what to say.

--

To live in harmony with another person you need more than good intentions.. You need to build a bridge. The best bridge you can build is the one that spans the river of pain.
You might disagree with that first statement above, but I believe it's true. Everyone suffers from pain of some description. For many it is physical. For many more it is emotional pain - memories of past trauma, anxiety about the future, fear of patterns repeating themselves. For the vast majority it is the pain of loneliness, which is in epidemic proportions in our society. And for many there is the spiritual pain arising from a sense of meaninglessness of life. Most people spend their time running from the fact that their time here is finite and that one day they will die. We fill our lives with amusements and obsessions while the Grim Reaper stands waiting at the back of the room. And the question this forces on us? What does it all mean? What is the meaning of my life? The lack of a satisfactory answer brings pain.

Buddha's great insight was that the whole of life is suffering. And he developed his system of spiritual practice to eliminate suffering - which he said was caused by our attachment to the material world. The principle of Surrender that I recommend in the book man Overboard is a Buddhist principle. It is also a Christian principle. Surrender to Christ, and, through Him, to each other.

Each of us bear our private pain courageously. Just living through a day for many is a triumph. But the light comes breaking through the clouds when another human being acknowledges our pain, can feel what we feel. These moments confirm our existence and affirm our goodness. Finding someone who does this can be like falling in love. I suspect there is a good deal of this behind Infatuation. Perhaps the illusion of genuine understanding.

The word for building such a bridge across people's pain is COMPASSION. Christ was said to be full of it. Mother Teresa's compassion was legendary. We all have the ability to be compassionate, like the Good Samaritan.

The Dalai Lama, who doesn't believe in romantic love, says the two building blocks of human love are empathy (identifying with another person) and compassion (feeling their pain).

In fact compassion means, literally, "suffering with" another. Walking alongside someone. That's how a Christian Brother described his version of Christian love.

When someone attacks you or is angry wiht you, and you can understand that they are simply expressing their pain - searching for someone to acknowledge it - you will feel less inclined to counter-attack and more inclined to seek to make peace.

If you can see all the people suffering and feel a little of it, you can grow your heart, literally. You can grow your ability to feel love.

Now ain't that something?

If you hate women...

2006-03-02T13:16:00.000+11:00

Seek help if you feel you are chronically depressed or suffer from a psychological disorder that is making it difficult to enjoy normal relationships. If you “hate” women, you need help. I saw my first counsellor more than 30 years ago and have used them whenever I’ve felt the need to sort myself out. It doesn’t mean you’re looney if you see a psychologist – the real looney is the person who needs help and won't ask for it.
Some men's rights websites are run by psychotics who need professional attention. Their rantings encourage mysogeny (hatred of women as a gender). In reality they are so consumed by self-hatred they can't have a normal loving relationship themselves and so they encourage others to be like them.
They are scared little boys calling out for help but blocked by their macho self image from accepting any.
These lunatics are nancy boys who don't have the guts to love a woman because they can't take the pain involved.
They run away from women and hurl abuse from afar.
A real man, fully mature, knows that love means joy and pain in equal measures, and accepts the challenge.

Divorce is not the doorway to happiness

2006-03-02T13:13:00.000+11:00

People who bail out of marriage are generally no happier than those who stay and fight for their marriage, according to University of Chicago studies in the 1980s and 1990s. Divorce is not the answer in most cases. And because the problems travel with the partners into new relationships, it’s better to stay put and solve the problem than seek greener grass on the other side. Second and third marriages fall apart faster and more often than first marriages.
Married people are also usually healthier, wealthier, happier and enjoy more sex than singles or divorcees, according to British research. Married men live longer. So saving your marriage could mean saving your life.

THE FULL TEXT OF THE BOOK MAN OVERBOARD IS AVAILABLE IN THE FIRST POST ON THIS SITE (SEPTEMBER 2005)

The insight of Sarah

2006-02-27T19:38:00.000+11:00

Dear Michael,

I printed off The Man Overboard manuscript and while I was out at a meeting, my wife Sarah (who is a book editor and cannot resist perusing a manuscript) found it on my desk and did a speed read.She thinks you are wonderful.She thinks you are funny.She thinks you have a best seller.She thinks I should read it.Not sure it is a good idea her reading it before me ,so I better get stuck in!

Will come back with my thoughts.

(name)

"The man has the power in a relationship"

2006-02-26T10:57:00.000+11:00

"The man has the power in a relation-ship," says Malcolm Pryor. "Very few women will leave a man who loves them properly."

Malcolm told me these fantastic, true words yesterday on the telephone while giving me his corrections to the text of Man Overboard which is soon to go to the printer. I have included his quotation in the text because it says precisely what I mean.

Malcolm also pointed out to me what he calls one of the most important lines in the book, where I say:

"A woman doesn't love you because you can beat her in an argument."

Malcolm, a professional proof-reader in a former life (For the literal, I don't mean he has been reincarnated) volunteered to pass on his corrections when he read the manuscript. I am very blessed to have so many helpers appear from nowhere, like so many angels... Thank you, Malcolm.

FREE! THE FULL TEXT OF MAN OVERBOARD: A SELF DEFENCE COURSE FOR MEN IN MARRIAGE IS AVAILABLE FREE IN THE FIRST POST OF THIS BLOG (SEPTEMBER 2005)

Hallelulia! Another man's ears are opened!

2006-02-24T18:56:00.000+11:00

THE FULL TEXT OF THE BOOK MAN OVERBOARD: A SELF DEFENCE COURSE FOR MEN IN MARRIAGE IS AVAILABLE FREE IN THE FIRST POST OF THIS BLOG (SEPTEMBER 2005)

G'day Michael

Thank you for your book. I thoroughly enjoyed it. I don’t tend to read many novels, but self help books are good.I read this book in less than a week. I just couldn’t put it down! I found it very easy to read.
I read the book without my wife’s knowledge and went about using some of the strategies you mentioned, and they worked.
I can relate to what you said, and I woke up to what my wife was really saying, and our relationship has improved.
I have recommended my mates read this book.
Thankyou

Regards

(name)

Marriage: like being hit by a Mack truck

2006-02-23T04:34:00.001+11:00

A note of thanks from a man of courage...

Michael,

Thanks for the manuscript and have been reading it during my lunch
breaks. Its truly inspiring.
My life has mirrored yours to some extent. I was married for nearly
fifteen years at the time and I knew not every thing was great. So one
night in bed I sat up and asked my wife what was wrong. She sat up and
said that she stilled loved me but did not want to live with me any
more. Being hit by a Mack truck could not have hurt more. All the
questions that flooded my mind.... how could I live with out her, the
kids(2),would they be calling some one else dad, who would live with
who, was there an affair(there was), what had I done that was so wrong
etc etc.
We actually held the marriage together with a lot of sole searching and
talking and the fact that I would not let go. As it turns out I was
doing some of the things in the book but if I had seen this book to read
then, I'm sure we would have been back on track sooner. It took about 18
months before happy families again. I have read some books on the
subject. Of these I found Steven Covey's book Seven habit of highly
effective Families the best but it did not hit on purely the husband and
wife relationship, more the family situation. Our marriage now (5 years
on) is still good but now it's going to be great. I have used some of
the thing written about in the book since getting it over a week ago and
things have never been better.
There is the old saying "If the wife is happy, life's happy" Now I know
why. This book should be an attachment to any marriage certificate and
may be the divorce rate might be reduced.
In the preface you mentioned Ramin who was planning workshops?? Is this
a work shop for the contents of this book. It occurred to me while
reading the book that it could so easily be turned into a quick 3 hour
work shop for men or packaged so that it could be a self help package
distributed via councillors, help groups, churches,etc. Not as a book
but self help cards with main points and a brief exercise that follows.
Just a thought... God knows how many men need it........

Thanks again for sharing this with us,
Regards

Bill

(Image from www.bobyoungprints.com)

Words that wound, words that heal

2006-02-22T06:54:00.000+11:00

My friend Mike Connor,, recently retired, sent me this news item:

Marital Diss

A sharp-tongued spouse can keep injuries from healing, according gto a study of married couples who were given small wounds and told to talk supportively or argue. This who argued to on averaged 20% longeer to heal.

I am always wrong

2006-02-20T19:34:00.000+11:00

Some readers might think I'm a feminist, weak, sucker-up-to-women type of guy because I insist men are to blame for the state of their relationships. I do think that. But I don't think men get a fair go. Society is biassed against men and boys. That's a given. It's up to men to lead society out of this hole. Not cajole and threaten and force it out. "Lead", which means to inspire, to motivate, to encourage and reward.

Just to prove I'm not putting you on about the "men are disadvantaged' stuff, here are the lyrics of a song I wrote last year. It's played in a bluegrass, appalachian mountain style.

I’m Always Wrong

As a young man I discovered one important fact
Boys and girls are different in the way they think and act
Schoolteachers will tell you boys are dumb and girls are bright
My teachers taught me I was hardly ever right

My mother taught me early to expect to be corrected
She prepared me for a lifetime living as directed
I found a girl whose love soon had me bound and gagged
Guess I was blessed to find a girl who cares enough to nag

CHORUS
If you’re a male go straight to jail
Do not pass go do not collect $200 dollars
It’s the game, it’s been the same
Since Adam was a scholar
To change the game you’d have to change the world
You can only hope next time you come back as a girl

My son asked me secretly one day when I was home
Dad if I’m out there in the bush and I’m all alone
Will I still be wrong if there’s no woman I can see
I said son I’m always wrong it’s no use asking me

CHORUS
SECOND CHORUS
No matter if you are at work, at school or if you are at home
You start behind the eightball with a Y chromosome
No matter what you do the disapproval will be strong
All the women in your life will let you know you’re wrong

Copyright Michael Kiely 2005

Now doesn't that make you feel better?

"You don't give me roses anymore..."

2006-02-18T06:29:00.000+11:00

This email was passed onto me by Rob Koch from Man Overboard Menswear in Cairns. The sender, who shall remain anonymous, is a man in deep distress. Read on...

Hi Michael

I have just started reading your draft which I got off the Fatherhood website. I thought I would start an email to you and comment on the book as I read through it. I really have not gotten into the guts of the book, but my relationship with my wife over the last few weeks has soured terribly...so I have just made some comments on my marriage below. I really need help. I don't know what to do...

I am fully aware of the awful rift in our marriage because my wife is not backward in telling me there is a problem

My wife thinks I do not love her because I will not correct her when she tells me she thinks I do not love her

I get awfully confused over feeling and thinking

Do I feel I love my wife...not really - don't know...

Do I think I love my wife...yes I do...

I hate talking deep and meaningful with C because it just seems to end up in an argument. I have deep feelings of remorse and guilt and get very depressed and have these overwhelming feelings that the whole marriage is just not going to work.. I simply want things to be right again, but there are years of baggage or layers upon layers in our relationship that need resolving.

On 14/2 we did not even acknowledge it was Valentine's Day to each other; she just made me feel worse because she had been down the street and commented on lots of people doing Valentine's stuff.

Today (16/2) we barely talked. I just do not want to talk because it is usually awful. It all feels it is getting a bit desperate.

In the end I feel it is just not meant to be. Yet neither of us want to separate or move out...

(name supplied)

............

My response was this:

Dear (name),

My email address is michael@newhorizon.au.com

Your problem: Buddy, you are not alone. I talk to hundreds of men in the same boat. SO don’t feel like a goose. It’s happening everywhere.

Point 2: stop struggling with her. Declare a unilateral turce and simply give up the fight. Take whatever she dishes out but don’t respond.

Point 3: forgive her. She only wants to be loved and feel secure in your love. Go and buy 2 dozen long stemmed roses and give them to her and say “I wanted to give these to you on Valentine’s Day but I was afraid. I don’t know why. I’m afraid that I’m losing you. And I love you....”

Speak your heart. Fearlessly. Take big risks. Wear the consequences.

Point 4: Read the book. Now. Don’t stop til you’ve finished it.

God will support you. “Act boldly ands might forces will come to your aid.”

Let me know how you get on.

Michael

Men are responsible for what happens to them

2006-02-14T04:34:00.000+11:00

THE FULL TEXT OF THE BOOK MAN OVERBOARD IS AVAILABLE FREE ON THE FIRST POST OF THIS BLOG (SEPTEMBER 2005)

Alan Barron's book Responsible Manhood was released recently. This is Part 2 of his critique of Man Overboard, with my commentary.

.....

Alan continues: "Many marriages would be saved, in my view, if women were better educated to see motherhood as a rewarding vocation in its own right and also how to meet the physical needs of their husbands. [My comment: Enrolments in such training might be hard to come by.]

"I saw a debate on television not so long ago that asked why men from countries like Australia, the US and some European countries were sourcing brides from Asia. When asked by the female presenter why they were going to Asian countries to source a bride, many men admitted˜albeit somewhat sheepishly˜they wanted a woman who came from a family friendly culture where a wife was happy to be a predominately full-time homemaker. The female adjudicator quipped the men were after "compliant women", women who had the 'old-fashioned view' that 'marriage was all about pleasing the man.' The savagery of her remarks sent some of the poor blokes into a swift retreat. But such remarks parody, or caricature, a male perspective. Implied in the question was these men were looking for a 'doormat' for a wife. While the men admitted they did not like the strident attitude of Western women, who virtually demanded marriage on their terms, it was just that Western women had high expectations of men both in terms of material success and intimacy demands." [My comment: That is, they were looking for doormats.]
"These men simply did not want a high maintenance spouse. What they were seeking were domestically inclined and familial women." [My comment:In other words, they want a low-maintenance spouse. But Alan, every spouse is high maintenance in a love relationship between equals.]
"The expectations placed on men are simply ridiculous. They are expected to have the perfect manicured, clean shaven and waved body and be something of a sexual athlete with tremendous staying power in bed. On top of this they are expected to be the most generous, romantic and considerate dating partner. [My comment: There's not much demand for men who are the opposite, and little wonder.]
Alan continues: "Thus the Biblical order has been reversed. Men exist to fulfil the needs of women. For men today sex is a minefield and beset with confusing norms and expectations. This is why I think internet pornography has become so popular - apart from it being so widely available and easy to access. It does in a perverse way make men feel as if they are back in control of the dating game by offering them a vast array of attractive women who are there to fulfil their every sexual desire, free from any sense of commitment and responsibility." [My comment: Most pornography appeals to this adolescent fantasy because the males who consume it suffer from arrested development. A fully mature male does not need pornography as a substitute for a healthy sexual relationship.]

.........

There are many men who will find great solace in Alan's position. Unfortunately they are doomed to wander the face of the earth in a fruitless search for love because it's no longer 1952. Even mail order brides eventually rebel. Men with the attitudes Alan describes don't know what love is. They want to reproduce the emotional state of the baby - centre of attention, showered with unconditional love by a doting mommy, all their needs met without effort.
If you are such a male, it's time to grow up. You'll have nothing but futile pain until you discover that women are not the enemy. They are truly the weaker sex when it comes to romance. They can't resist it. I recommend you read Dale Carnegie's classic How To Win Friends and Influence as a start. It will point you in the right direction... Don't read my book. You'll be offended. I believe women are right when it comes to love.

Extremist mens' rights nazis are nancy boys

2006-02-14T04:23:00.000+11:00

I've been surfing some of the mens' rights sites and was gobsmacked at how twisted and sinister some of these women haters are. It's easy to blame the victim. The wife beater usually says "Why did you make me do it?" These big macho mysogenists are really nancyboys who don't have the guts to truly love a woman - who run away from the pain and hide behind their self-imposed victimhood. They can't take a beating and keep loving.
I believe men are responsible for the failure of their relationships. A woman who is romanced every day does not become a tyrannical bitch. A woman who can trust her man to love and protect her does not become a controlling, nagging man-hater.
Men make women what they are. It's like golf. Your golf game is a window on your soul. So is your woman.

"Women are the problem" is a cop out

2006-02-13T23:12:00.000+11:00

Blaming women is copping out.
Blaming women is very Biblical. Adam was the first man to blame a woman for his own weakness. (See Genesis 3:12)

.........

Alan Barron kindly cast his eye over the manuscript of Man Overboard (at Warwick Marsh's invitation), then revealed the central thesis of his new book Responsible Manhood... As I read his critique I became more dismayed that Alan is firmly in the camp of males who blame women for problems between the sexes. Alan said the following:
"I don't have time to read it in depth. But a cursory glance of it would seem to indicate that men have the problem(s) and women seem to have little to be concerned with in terms of their contribution to rebuilding a marriage. I guess this is because you have directed your book at men, and not addressed issues which women should face up to.
"In my book Responsible Manhood, I look at men, sexuality and the popularity of porn. So why is porn so popular? There must be a lot of frustrated men out there, who for the most part would be married, or in some sort of a relationship with a woman. So, why are these guys online looking for sexual titillation? Is it any wonder porn is a huge billion-dollar industry? So why do so many men feel the need to use it?
"I firmly believe if a wife is meeting her husband's sexual needs, that this will satisfy him, and prevent the craving to want to pursue sexual titillation. This raises the prospect that many women are not totally fulfilling their man's sexual needs in marriage.
[My comment: How many of these men are seducing their wives, wooing them, earning their sexual favours? Or do many men simply climb into bed and expect sex as their right of marriage? How many of them shower and shave before approaching their wives? Or is she offered sweaty stubble and beer breath? Men whose women feel unloved dont "get" much sex for one reason: it is because they are unattractive.]
"Also, today most of the emphasis is on meeting a woman's expectations - emotional and physical. This expectation has undoubtedly influenced the attitudes of many Christian women. This is fine as far as it goes, but what of the husband's expectations? One of the husband's expectations is that his wife will meet his sexual needs, which I think is a reasonable expectation." [My comment: That is the expectation you could have of a prostitute. But even a prostitute can choose her clients. A woman who is treated as a WIFE (Washing, Ironing, F---ing, Etc.) may find it hard to feel aroused.]
"Often if a husband does ask his wife to try a new position, or to try oral sex, and she takes offence, then most men don't bother to pursue the matter. So frustration begins to build deep down inside him. This can lead to bottling up of his sexual needs. Feelings of resentment begin to rise to the point where it finds expression in outbursts of anger over trivial matters which ordinarily would have not bothered him." [My comment: A man does not have the unrestrained right to have his way in sexual relations. The word is "relations". Relationships are about building trust, sharing, fidning common ground. Any man who acts in such a petulant way when a woman is not inclined to perform a sex act is exhibiting a schoolboy's level of maturity. Love is not about "getting". It's about "giving". "Making love" to a woman is, first and foremost, about creating a loving feeling. How often have our unsuccessful Romeos said he words "I love you" or noticed what she is wearing or how she has done her hair.]

Alan continues: "What does the Bible have to say about this? Men are told to love their wives as themselves. What is love? Love is patient, it is kind, endures all things, and is not happy with evil. Love never gives up, is not ill mannered or selfish or irritable, nor does it keep a record of wrongs (1 Cor 13: 4 - 7). A woman is told to respect and submit to her husband. Submission cannot be forced; it must be a voluntary act by the woman out of love for her husband and submission to the authority of Scripture.
"The Apostle Peter agrees with Paul. In First Peter, Chapter 3, verses 1 - 7, the apostle outlines the Scriptural pattern for both women and men. He encourages women to be submissive to their own husbands, not to adorn the outward body but to acquire inner beauty and to have a "gentle and quiet spirit."
"The one thing you can't help noticing about the modern liberated woman is that she seldom possesses a 'gentle and quiet spirit.' This is the way, says the apostle, how women of old made themselves beautiful. He stresses the submissive attitude the Godly woman should have and goes on to say the wife should do "what is right and not to give way to fear." Submission then is made from a standpoint of love and respect, which casts out fear.
"Men for their part the apostle says they are to be considerate of their wives and treat them with respect "as the weaker partner," which indicates that the husband should assume leadership of his family and seek to lead it in the way of peace, love, truth, righteousness and justice."
[My comment: I have met more weak men than weak women. Most women are strong. They've always been strong, and if they are asssertive today it's because they have not been 'husbanded' - loved. Paul says husbands should love their wives as they love themselves. That means, focus on her needs as much as on your own. And her basic need is to feel loved, everyday. Men who fail in their duty as lovers deserve everything they get. The very act of trying to assert control of women by appealing to Scripture is an admission of weakness in men. Authority and loyalty are earned in relationships, not conferred.]

More in a later blog...

Was Johnny Cash a 'mommy's boy'?

2006-02-13T04:19:00.000+11:00

I took my wife to see "Walk The Line", the movie about Johnny Cash and June Carter. Theirs was one of the most celebrated marriages in the entertainment industry. It lasted more than 30 years and survived Johnny's drug habit. (My parents were in the entertainment industry and my Mum used to say, "It's hard to stay married in this business. There's just too much temptation."
The movie - which is fantastic if you're a music fan - makes J.R. Cash out to be a weak man who couldn't function without June who was portrayed as a "mommy" figure. Now that ain't no way to treat a lady. A strong relationship is one between two emotionally-mature adults, coming together each from a place of strength, self-reliance, and lack of dependence. (As much as women hate not being needed enough, they dislike it even more when a guy needs them too much, ie. can't stand on his own two feet.) Johnny Cash was portrayed in the movie as needing June too much.
But hold on. Didn't I drink too much and smoke too much weed and not eat properly or get enough sleep in the year Louisa and I were apart? (Background: she left me for another man shortly after our first child was born 30 years ago. I gave her good reasons to leave.) So maybe I'm a 'mommy's boy' as well.

Roy LaFontaine's song 'Trouble' rings true for me.

Trouble
Trouble Trouble Trouble Trouble Trouble
Trouble been doggin' my life since the day I was born
Worry
Worry Worry Worry Worry Worry
Worry just refuse to let my mind alone
But I've been saved by a woman
Yes I've been saved by a woman

I've still got troubles and worries, but they all seem so handleable if she's in my life. And when we have those seemingly terminal disputes (yes, Mr Love falls into the Black Pit of Marriage like anyone else) all the achievements and wonderful things that I've been given seem worthless.

Roy's second song on his album 'Trouble' includes the lyrics:

You will shelter me, my love
And I will shelter you.

Isn't that what marriage is about? Finding a place of shelter? (Not a place where you're safe from pain, that's a different matter.) In the Bible God gives Adam a woman (he creates sex and gives the sexes to each other) as a 'helper'. He makes Eve out of Adam's flesh. In other words, he separates Adam into two people. And the story of everyday since then has been the attempt by mankind to reunify those two halves. Alone I feel like I'm only half. Together I feel whole.

Johnny Cash wrote a song called Flesh And Blood. It's about June, his wife. These are the lyrics:

Beside a Singin' Mountain Stream
Where the Willow grew
Where the Silver Leaf of Maple
Sparkled in the Mornin' Dew
I braided Twigs of Willows
Made a String of Buckeye Beads.

But Flesh And Blood need Flesh And Blood
And you're the one I need
Flesh And Blood need Flesh And Blood
And you're the one I need.

I leaned against a Bark of Birch
And I breathed the Honey Dew
I saw a North-bound Flock of Geese
Against a Sky of Baby Blue
Beside the Lily Pads
I carved a Whistle from a Reed;
Mother Nature's quite a Lady
But you're the one I need
Flesh And Blood need Flesh And Blood
And you're the one I need.

A Cardinal sang just for me
And I thanked him for the Song
Then the Sun went slowly down the West
And I had to move along
These were some of the things

On which my Mind and Spirit feed;
But Flesh And Blood need Flesh And Blood
And you're the one I need
Flesh And Blood need Flesh And Blood
And you're the one I need

So when this Day was ended
I was still not satisfied
For I knew ev'rything I touched
Would wither and would die
And Love is all that will remain
And grow from all this Seed;

Mother Nature's quite a Lady
But you're the one I need
Flesh And Blood need Flesh And Blood
And you're the one I need.

Do we have an answer to the question, "Was Johnny Cash a mommy's boy?" I'd say "Yes", but so are we all. There's a bit of the mother/nurturer in every wife and a bit of the father/provider/protector in every husband. Marriage is a complex ball of string. The parties to a marriage supply each others' needs in so many ways. No wonder it's hard to make a marriage work!

THE FULL TEXT OF MAN OVERBOARD IS AVAILABLE ON THE FIRST POST OF THIS BLOG.

(Hey! Why not leave a comment?)

What do women want?

2006-02-11T22:50:00.000+11:00

THIS IS AN EXTRACT FROM 'MAN OVER-BOARD'. THE FULL TEXT IS AVAIL-ABLE IN THE FIRST POST OF THIS BLOG.

A woman wants many things, but most of all she wants to be in love. Not just loved. She wants a man to feel passionate about her. Women want to know the passion of love everyday… to know they are loved completely and entirely.

For women everything they do is an expression of love. Shopping, cooking, planning holidays, thinking about redecorating… all become acts of love because they see them as nurturing. And they interpret your actions as acts of love. Forget to put out the garbage? You don’t love her enough. Taking time to get around to the lawn? It’s because you don’t care enough. Haven’t replaced those light globes that are out…. ? Etc. You get the drift.

That’s not to say you should do everything she tells you to without considering your own needs. There’s a period of self-denial while you re-win her trust. But self-denial can mean you lose yourself and lose interest in her if it goes on. After the balance of justice’s scales has been restored in her mind, you just need to continually demonstrate you care about her and love her deeply. She’ll forgive many failings if she knows your heart is in the right place.

There are two fundamental things a woman wants from you to prove your love: attentiveness and intimacy.

WHAT WOMEN WANT #1: Attentiveness: If you’re not interested in her enough to notice her and show an interest in her, it’s hard to fake it. You’ll never make it. If the bitterness of Gridlock makes it hard, see “Reawakening the Passion” in Man Overboard. I am assuming you truly love her and that she is the most important thing in your life.

Attentiveness means simply paying attention – being aware of her most of the time, and letting her know in little ways. (See “Wooing your woman everyday” in Man Overboard.)

WHAT WOMEN WANT #2: Intimacy: A woman also wants intimacy. This can be hard for a man not used to talking about his feelings. It means making yourself vulnerable – open to be hurt. All it takes is guts, the courage you use everyday to make a living. I have no easy solution to this intimacy stuff: Your challenge is to become an expert on your feelings and an expert on exposing them. Here’s a simple formula: Think about how things make you feel and tell yourself in simple words about it. Then start by making simple statements to your wife about how you feel about her and how it makes you feel when you fight.
(NB. This is not an invitation to unload criticism and negativity. Bite your tongue. Honesty is not the best policy when it comes to criticism and negativity. Don't give in to the self-indulgence of 'speaking your mind', no matter what she says. You'll discover why I recommend this if you ignore my advice.)

“For a marriage to have any chance, every day at least six things should go unsaid.” - Unknown]

It takes guts to open up and risk ridicule. Don’t worry – she won’t laugh at you if you are obviously sincere. She’ll be confused and curious, most likely. If she does react badly, this is no reflection on you. It’s her problem. She’s been hurt badly and needs patience. Hang in there. Keep it up. You should wear her down. Trust is the key. Trust can take time to win back. But you’ve got the guts to do the hard yards.
This intimacy stuff can be harrowing, but it gets better with time. And it makes sex amazing when she gets comfortable enough with you to share sex fantasies and vice versa. It removes her most powerful weapon: wanting to talk about her feelings and your relationship. Up until now, if she wanted to put you on the back foot at any time she could spring that one you. But get comfortable with it and you are back on top. It makes the temporary discomfort worth it a million per cent.

[“Your purpose is not to survive but to express every grain of passion that love arouses in you.” - Deepak Chopra]

American love expert Barbara De Angelis says there are 3 secret needs every woman has:

They need to feel safe
They need to feel connected.
They need to feel valued.

I reckon a woman can feel all three if they experience attentiveness and intimacy.

(PS> Pictured is my daughter Jessica displaying the modern female's attitude to males who promise them romance - attentiveness and intimacy - and who don't deliver. She doesn't know I've posted this pic and if she finds out I'm up the creek*. With her is a young American friend whom she met on the Japanese Government-sponsored Ship For Peace which took 200+ Japanese young people and 200+ young people from a dozen different countries on a 2-month journey throughout Asia-Pacific, brainstorming solutions to global problems like world peace and environmental degradation. So if you know her, please don't tell her she's on my blog or she'll tell my daughter and I'll cop hell.)

*"Up the creek" might be an Australianism, a cleaned up version of 'up s--- creek in a barbed wire canoe without a paddle.' I'll check it out and get back to you.

Happy Valentine's Day

2006-02-10T03:37:00.000+11:00

An old man got on a bus one February 14th, carrying a dozen roses.
He sat beside a young man.
The young man looked at the roses and said, "Somebody's going to get a beautiful Valentine's Day gift."
"Yes," said the old man.
A few minutes went by and the old man noticed that his young companion was staring at the roses.
"Do you have a girlfriend?" the old man asked.
"I do," said the young man. "I'm going to see her right now, and I'm going to give her this Valentine's Day card."
They rode in silence for another 10 minutes, and then the old man got up to get off the bus. As he stepped out into the aisle, he suddenly placed the roses on the young man's lap and said, "I think my wife would want you to have these. I'll tell her that I gave them to you."
He left the bus quickly. As the bus pulled away, the young man turned to see the old man enter the gates of a cemetery.

smartmarriages.com

THE FULL TEXT OF 'MAN OVERBOARD' IS AVAILABLE IN THE FIRST POST OF THIS BLOG (SEPTEMBER 2005)

A feminist discovers marriage

2006-02-10T03:21:00.000+11:00

"Being married is like having somebody permanently in your corner. It feels limitless, not limited."

These are the words of Gloria Steinem, said in 2000, upon marrying for the first time at age 66. Ms Steinem is America's best-known arch-feminist. She founded Ms magazine.

THE FULL TEXT OF 'MAN OVERBOARD' IS AVAILABLE IN THE FIRST POST OF THIS BLOG (SEPTEMBER 2005)

The Prophet, On Marriage

2006-02-10T03:09:00.000+11:00

Then Almitra spoke again and said, "And what of Marriage, master?"

And he answered saying:

You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.

You shall be together when white wings of death scatter your days.

Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.

But let there be spaces in your togetherness,

And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Love one another but make not a bond of love:

Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.

Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.

Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,

Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.

For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.

And stand together, yet not too near together:

For the pillars of the temple stand apart,

And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

Kalhil Gibran

THE FULL TEXT OF THE BOOK 'MAN OVERBOARD' CAN BE FOUND ON THE FIRST POST OF THIS BLOG

Is your marriage in crisis?

2006-02-08T14:57:00.000+11:00

Try this quick quiz.

A. Are you married? Y/N
B. Are you married? Y/N
C. Are you married? Y/N
D. Are you married? Y/N
E. Are you married? Y/N

If you answered Yes to one of these questions, there is a 90% chance your marriage is currently in crisis, recently been in crisis, about to go into crisis, or on a slow burn towards crisis.
..........
The above is an extract from the book Man Overboard. Many readers are sceptical about this remark, especially men. But those for whom the crisis is like a wave crashing on rocks know it is happening... and that wave started a long time before it crashed, a long way out at sea. And it has been a long time coming. The men who doubt the power of the wave are the ones washed off the rocks.

I found support for my contention in the pages of the book The Mystery of Marriage by Mike Mason. The institution of marriage precipitates a crisis for each individual that enters into it because it carries with it a conflict between 'the needs for dependence and for independence, between the urge toward loving cooperation and the opposite urge toward detachment, privacy, self-sufficiency.' Marriage is an intense invasion of privacy, he says. 'The wedding is merely the beginning of a lifelong process of handing over absolutely everything, and not simply everything that one owns but everything that one is.'

This next bit is beautiful. If you thought what you were going through was a mistake, dwell on this - it's a natural part of the process of marriage. He says: 'There is no one who is not broken by this process. It is excruciating and inexorable, and no one can stand up to it. Everyone gets broken on the wheel of love, and the breaking that takes place is like nothing else under the sun.'

Pain goes with the territory. Love is about feeling pain as your ego is broken down and reconstructed such that you can share your life with another, caring for her as much as for yourself. There is a crisis of ego built into the institution of marriage. And that crisis lasts as long as the marriage lasts. But there is a beautiful freedom to be found there, when your surrendering enables your partner to open like a flower to become the person they were born to be.

THE FULL TEXT OF 'MAN OVERBOARD' IS AVAILABLE IN THE FIRST POST OF THIS BLOG

That moment of terror lasted 30 years

2006-02-07T22:10:00.000+11:00

I had a shocking realisation today, reading a book called The Mystery of Marriage by Mike Mason (given to me by Warwick Marsh of the Fatherhood Foundation). In the book Mike is telling the story of an incident in a monastery that he and his new wife visited where he was suddenly gripped by a cold hand around his heart. Questions flooded into his ehad. What am I doing? Who is this woman? Can I back out of this marriage? His moment of terror was soon dissolved when the couple observed two hawks flying together and playing joyfully in the vastness of the sky.
I recognised his moment of terror. I’d had my own. But it wasn’t resolved so easily, and the consequences dogged our relationship for 30 years. Louisa and I had a whirlwind romance. We were inseperable from the moment we “collided”., like childhood best best friends. We started living together informally almost from day one. When we returned by train to the university town for the beginning of the new year, Louisa was no longer booked into a residential college. We were sharing a farmhouse with my best friend at the time, Mark Jones. I hit the brick walk of fear and uncertainty as the Glen Innes Mail slowly drew us closer to Armidale, the New England university town where we met and where the early scenes in the tragicomedy of our love affair would be played out.
Fear gripped my heart. Suddenly I felt sick in the stomache. I couldn’t feel the love that I had for Louisa. I felt like I was taking on a responsibility I couldn’t fulfil. I felt dread of the future. I felt that I was going to hurt Louisa. I just wanted to get away and be alone. I did not have the courage to tell her what I was going through. But she must have sensed the distance between us. The dreadful distance kept recurring throughout our days together. I was pushing her away, then clinging to her when she tried to escape me. This pattern continued until she managed to escape and I peered into the abyss, alone, despairing, devastated. It all started with that moment of fear.
I came across that same phenomenon in the movie “Rumor Has It” when the newly married sister Annie Huttinger (played by Mena Suvari) has a panic attack on the tennis court. She can’t breathe. She explained to Jennifer Aniston that the marriage had all seemed like a dream, but then reality set in with a jolt.
Mike Mason says it’s the moment when we realise the intensity of the invasion of privacy that marriage brings with it.
Is this a psychological condition that people go through? Should marriage carry a warning label?

THE FULL TEXT OF 'MAN OVERBOARD' IS AVAILABLE IN THE FIRST POST OF THIS BLOG

Thank God for the Feminists

2006-02-07T02:14:00.000+11:00

Betty Friedan died on Saturday. She was the lady who started the modern feminist movement with her book The Feminine Mystique. A lot of men hate feminists because they think they put a bunch of screwy ideas into womens' heads that make them unsatisfied with the traditional roles of wife and mother. Well I'm here to tell you that's a load of bullexcreta. Feminists didn't make women unsatisfied with their lot. Men did that. In Betty's day a woman got fired if she fell pregnant. She was probably in a menial job anyway because women did not get access to senior positions and they were shut out of entire industries. Women in the early 1960s, when Betty wrote her book, were consigned to the roles of breeding stock and domestic servants. We have since discovered that women have brains and can use them. They can invent things and make scientific discoveries and run large organisations and make films... All of these things they were discouraged from doing. Told they weren't good enough. I wonder how males who hate feminists would feel about them if they grew up as females back in those days.
Thank God for the Feminists because they gave us a chance at having fully-integrated relationships. Women who are supressed by men always get back at them. They nag or dominate their husbands. They make their children miserable. They find fault. All the jokes about women in marriage ("Take my wife. Please take my wife.") are jokes on the men who manufacture their own misery.
Don't get me wrong. A woman who wants to devote her life to raising children and keeping house should have that right. (Louisa stayed out of the workforce while our kids were growing up so they would have a parent there when they came home from school. We were lucky to have that opportunity. But she suffered for it when she re-entered the workforce, and I suffered for it, too.)
It's not what women do that matters. It's that they have the right to choose what they can do. The right to fulfill their potential as human beings. It's ironic that the American Declaration of Independence opens with the lines: "“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.” Each woman should have these rights, too.
Brother, she wasn't born to be your wife, your lover, or the mother of your children. She was born to be herself, the best person she can be. And if that includes being your wife, your lover and the mother of your children, then you should thank God for her choice and respect it and show her what it means to you, everyday.
As men, when we marry, we earn the right to try to win her heart again every day. We know how to do it. We already did it once before. We've just got to keep on doing it. Everyday. And guess what? It helps her become the best wife, lover and mother she can be.
So thanks, Betty. It was a hard lesson, but a good one to learn.

THE FULL TEXT OF 'MAN OVERBOARD' IS AVAILABLE IN THE FIRST POST OF THIS BLOG

I believe in Love

2006-02-05T20:26:00.000+11:00

I get an email like this one every other day:

Dear Michael,

I would really appreciate a copy of your booklet ‘Man Overboard’... I am believing for a rescue of my marriage of 28 years. Even though I am separated and have been for 5 years now, I love my wife deeply and long for restoration. We caught up for dinner recently and there was some of the old spark there… I am at that stage where I would appreciate any guidance I can get. I believe in my heart of hearts that my wife wants restoration too, but that somehow it is all too hard.

Bless you heaps Michael for your faith,

Bob

Dear Bob,

I feel very deeply that your wife would like to reunite if she could trust your love. I hope you can find in this manuscript some ideas to help you demonstrate your love.
It might help if you focus on her as a person rather than as your wife. Strip away the ‘roles’ you mentally impose on her and try to see her as she truly is, as a whole person. There are mysterious depths in her personality that you have never visited. Find a way to touch these – to acknowledge her integrity as a human being – and she should respond.
The only other advice I can give you is to listen to your heart and act upon its instructions, boldly. Don’t be afraid of consequences or opinions.
The true quest here is not to recover your wife. It is to recover and release your loving self. Become the loving person you are deep inside and you will radiate love. Love begets love. Love multiplies love.
The Manuscript is attached.

Believe in Love,

Michael Kiely

THE FULL TEXT OF 'MAN OVERBOARD' IS AVAILABLE IN THE FIRST POST OF THIS BLOG

Support for Man Overboard in the Bible

2006-02-02T09:16:00.000+11:00

This week Lousa and I had lunch with Warwick and Alison Marsh. The spiritual energy in their home is immense. The Marsh family have travelled the world playing their rock music and bringing people the Good News of the Bible. They are musical missionaries. They also run the Fatherhood Foundation. A lot of people I know would call them and a lot of people they know "God botherers". But the simple love that shines in their faces confounds such stereotype. Besides, like Christ, they broke bread with sinners - Louisa and I. Unlike the some of their bretheren, they are not prone to be judgemental. "Judge not lest ye be judged," saith the Lord. Unlike some of their most devout bretheren, they manage to love each other and have a successful marriage. Unlike some believers, they're not always looking for someone to blame for problems. In fact, although some passages in Man Overboard make Warwick uneasy (and would make others of his bretheren condemn the book outright), he sees the good in it and even finds passages in the "greatest book of all" that support my thesis.
My main point is that men are responsible for the failure of their relationships because they fail to lead. They fail to love their wives with sufficient fervor that their wives feel secure and cared for and cherished. Men fail to honour their wedding vows. There are many reasons for this failure - and men are not to be blamed for it. But it is their responsibility to take the initiative and heal their partners' hearts and, in so doing, heal their own hearts.

The greatest thing a man can do for his children is to love their mother such that she feels loved everyday. Many men do not have the guts to do this, and want to fall back on outdated ideas of 'a man's place', patriarchal concepts that were formed in heroic times when only the muscle of a man protected and provided for his family. That world has passed, but unfortunately the ideas it gave rise to live on. We see the failure I speak of in Genesis. Adam was the first man and fail he did on behalf of us all. God said: don't eat the fruit from that tree. Now Adam was the boss when God wasn't around, right? Eve was made from his rib to be his helper. Yet what does the boss do? He doesn't admonish Eve for eating the fruit and call an emergency meeting with God to discuss options for dealing with this transgression. No, he simply follows the helper's lead and eats the fatal fruit. And to make matters worse, when God says "Have you been eating that fruit I warned you about?" Adam doesn't take it like a man. He blames his helper. Where was Adam while the snake was talking to his wife? Was he available to his wife, there being with her, present to her and guiding her? No, he's off somewhere like most males in relationships, emotionally unavailable and often physically unavailable, too.

A woman will not go off to look for love outside the relationship if she finds it at home. I am aware that this may offend a lot of male 'victims', but brothers, get over it! You put the burr under the saddle, you made the bed, you stuffed up. Hating her for wanting to be loved is a cowardly denial of your responsibility to love and cherish - it's Adam blaming Eve when it happened on his watch. Blaming the modern woman for wanting too much is the sign of a weak man who acknowledges he hasn't got what it takes to truly love a woman. It is the instinct of a little boy, not a grown man. Marriage is the process by which we grow up and learn to love and be loved. It's not some Disneyland of the Heart, not some eternal Christmas Day. It can be, but there's a long journey ahead to get there... Thanks to Adam.

But the good news is there are thinGs you can do today to start the process of unlocking your heart to let the love out.

THE FULL TEXT OF 'MAN OVERBOARD' IS AVAILABLE IN THE FIRST POST OF THIS BLOG

"It is a masterpiece."

2006-02-01T20:06:00.000+11:00

Dear Warwick,

I have been married to the same man for thirty three years. I would say that communication is the hardest thing for a couple to learn. Men and Women think differently..

I loved the book. It is a masterpiece. When it goes to print may I please buy four copies. I run tourist accomodation... I would like to put a copy in every suite or perhaps I should sell it for you.

Pam

(This is an extract of a letter sent to Warwick Marsh of the Fatherhood Foundation after he sent the manuscript to 150 of his personal contacts. Thank you Pam. Thanks Warwick.)

THE FULL TEXT OF 'MAN OVERBOARD' IS AVAILABLE IN THE FIRST POST OF THIS BLOG

The Language of Opposite Meanings

2006-02-01T20:03:00.000+11:00

Here is a definition of the Language of Opposite Meanings: “When one partner says something, the other partner often hears the opposite meaning.”

When she is nagging you and criticising you – when everything you do is wrong – she is actually saying “I don’t trust that you care for me and protect me. Please care for me and love me. I love you.” The male, however, usually hears: “You are hopeless. You are not a good husband/boyfriend/lover. I really made a mistake picking you. I don’t love you.” He in turn, unable to take the pain of the woman he loves attacking him, retreats – into the garage, down to the club, behind the newspaper, or into the office, immersing himself in work and career or taking a second job. By his retreat he is telling her in male language that he loves her and needs to feel loved, but she gets the opposite message. She feels as though he is pushing her away.

So while both of you are saying “I love you and want you to love me” each is getting the message from the other “I don’t care about you.”

(This is an extract from Man Overboard.)

Loved your book

2006-02-01T03:16:00.000+11:00

Loved your book

Michael,
I just wanted to say that I read your book in one
afternoon and I loved it. The fact that it was short
was for a bloke an advantage, it also seems to address
issues from a blokes view.

As a divorced bloke it encapulated what I now see were
my most likely mistakes to bring our relationship to
an end.

Now I have two further steps,
a) to apply what you've written
b) I'll probably need to reread your book and remind
myself of your tips, at least now`I have a better idea
and hopefully a better chance at a successful
relationship.

Regards
Colin

Man Overboard! cover illustration

2006-01-29T13:34:00.000+11:00

This is the cover illustration we have selected for the book Man Overboard. I like it because it is optimistic, the central image is of a man in peril but safe, supported by a substantial life preserver. Yet he is waving, indicating that he wants to be helped. The men who will be helped by this book are those who acknowledge that the old way - command and control, macho-man, me Tarzan you Jane approach doesn't work, and that they need to try something new.

Boys are stupid, throw rocks at them

2006-01-29T09:42:00.000+11:00

A company in the USA has grown to US$100m turnover selling T-shirts with anti-boys slogans like "Boys tell lies, poke them in the eyes!" and "The stupid factory, where boys are made." Todd Goldman started David and Goliath Inc. in 1999 to sell "Boys are Smelly" T-shirts. Thr "Boys are stupid..." merchandise, which includes clothes, mugs, key chains, posters, and a book with the same title. A campaign by men's rights activists boosted sales. Los Angeles radio host Glenn Sacks - a men's rights activist - launched a campaign against the shirts two years ago, claiming they are part of a mood in society to victimize boys. The T-shirts have been described as "hate speech". Several retailers, covering 3000 retail outlets, have removed the shirts. Womens' rights activists do not support the campaign against the T-shirts, agreeing with Mr Goldman that they are merely humorous. But they're not. The are selling like hot cakes - which means there is a lot of built-up anger against males that expresses itself in sales of t-shirts and merchandise. Generations of patriarchal stupidity hsa left a reservoir of resentment for men.

EXTRACT FROM "Man Overboard"

Women today have the whip hand – they decide when the marriage isn’t working, they decide when you’ll have sex, they decide most things… you just keep your head down and keep working to pay for it all.

[Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back. - Al Bundy, Married with Children ]

Men are on the back foot. Look at this short list of proofs:

• The media takes the feminist line that men are the problem.
• The courts assume men are the problem.
• Teachers have convinced themselves boys are dumber than girls. And boys live up (or down) to their expectations.
• Advertising agencies make fun of men in their ads to appeal to women buyers.
• Women convince their children that he is the problem.

It’s time men got back on the front foot. We need to win back the respect that used to be a man’s right as husband and father. We need to restore men to their place in the family. But we can only do that by convincing our wives that we deserve that respect.

You can’t force people to feel or think the way you want them to. The great expert on human nature, Dale Carnegie taught that you have to inspire them to change the way they think and feel. This book gives you a strategy for inspiring your woman to love and respect you again.

The Dark Night of the Soul

2006-01-29T07:43:00.000+11:00

These lyrics were written when I was in the gloom of anguish over my relationship. with my wife, which was fairly constant there for a while. They reveal a path to freedom: self knowledge, self reliance, self love.

Dark Night of the Soul

Verse 1
There comes a time when everyman
must face himself alone
And confront the fact nothing’s ever certain
All the things you take for granted
can be taken in a moment
Half way thru your song
they bring down the curtain

Verse 2
We are born alone, we live alone,
and in the end we die alone
And spend our lives
running from this fact
You can meet and fall in love
with different people on the way
But you are you and I am me
and Darling that is that

Chorus 1
You can’t rely on lovers
You can’t speak for others
No one else can fill the gaping hole
That you feel you need to fill
And you pursue it with a will
Straight into the dark night of the soul

Verse 3
You can find a few distractions
You can fill your days with joy
But no one can escape the Lonesome Hero
He’s riding on your shoulder
Watching everything you do
And turning up everywhere that you go

Verse 4
What makes him so terrifying
What makes him so bad
Is that you can’t predict a thing that he’ll do
What’s even scarier
Is knowing deep inside
That the Lonesome Hero
Is really only you.

Chorus 2
You can run but you can’t hide
From the need to go inside
And meet the only person who will stay
Beside you all the while
And when you see them smile
The dark night of the soul becomes the day

The Pope agrees with me: Love is everything

2006-01-27T21:36:00.000+11:00

Pope Benedict XVI's first 'encyclical' was released yesterday and guess what? he's been reading my emails, or he's seen a copy of Man Overboard. Because he's stolen my material. This encyclical - or 'binding memo' - is shattering assumptions and illusions about this fuddy-duddy churchman and his archaic Church because it is all about Love. Titled "Deus Caritas Est", God is Love, the Pope says, essentially, Love is the power that holds the universe together, and that human love between man and woman should be based on the twin technologies propounded by Man Overboard: surrender and forgiveness. Not that I'm about to shoot off a copyright claim to the Vatican. Benedict deserves a break to prove he's not the cold-bloodled Vatican operative he used to be. I will provide you with slices of encylical which indicate the gobsmacking alignment between the Pope and me, a rare event. I always suspect old men who wear dresses and who are celebate telling other people how to express their sexuality.

How to increase the odds of divorce

2006-01-27T14:01:00.000+11:00

Angela and Nate were probably married six months later and divorced several years after that. WHY? The clue is in the line "We have everything in common." Regular readers of this blog will remember a recent blog where I revealed evidence that indicates that couple who 'have everything in common" are not ideal partnerships for life. I reproduce the core of that message here below:

..............

The Hermann Brain Dominance Indicator divides people into 4 types: Blue - analyses, likes technical/financial accuracy, logical, asks 'what are the facts?'; Green - organises, likes to follow procedures, reliable, asks 'what is the sequence of events?'; Yellow - strategises, likes to conceptualise, imaginitive, asks 'how can the parts be put together?'; and Red - personalises, likes to know the effect on others, supportive, asks 'who's involved?' Now no one is simply all one colour. We are combinations of colours, and these combinations can be mapped. Just as an aside the facilitator mentioned that people who live together (cohabit) tend to have similar patterns (ie. the same personality characteristics or colour combinations) and people who follow the traditional route into marriage tend to have the opposite - that is, couples who fall in love and decide to shack up tend to have a lot in common and think that's the basis for an enduring relationship. But couples thinking seriously about spending the rest of their lives together must think about compensating characteristics in each other - how one's strengths will compensate for the other's weaknesses and vice versa. [Just imagine it: A messy, creative person living with another messy, creative person is fun at first, but then the trouble begins. An organiser living with an organiser will have no one to organise.]

Why is it that people get married?

2006-01-26T09:38:00.000+11:00

"Why is it that people get married?
Because we need a witness to our lives.
There’s a billion people on the planet.
What does any one life really mean?
But in a marriage, you’re promising to care about everything…
The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things,
All of it… all the time, every day.
You’re saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it.
Your life will not go unwitnessed - because I will be your witness.'"

Wife in the movie, "Shall We Dance?" 2004

I found this quote in smartmarriages.com. It struck me immediately as being profound. Sometimes I think to myself that Louisa gives my life meaning. Famous Australian novelist Partick White described his partner Manoly as "My sweet reason". Now I'm not saying that my life would have no meaning had I not met Louisa or I lost her. But her meaning in my life is meaning. I interpret my life in the context of hers and hers in mine. I am a pretty stong-willed, bull-headed man, despite what some critics think, and do not live my life tied to her apron-strings. But to see her face is like starting anew every time. I don't need a witness to prove I am alive. It's more like a presence. Like the Sun. You don't always notice it, but it's shining and warming all the time. My life with Louisa is different and better than a life without her, with someone else.

(How can I tell? Because I have loved and lived with other women. Louisa was qualitatively different from the moment I first truly saw her. I saw her physically three or four times before my eyes were opened. Then I believe I saw her spirit. Spirit in me recognised Spirit in her, and Spirit danced with joy at recognising itself as in a mirror. It was a shattering experience for me. I remember a week after we collided, she went away for the Michaelmas Term vacation and I wondered around on the farm in a daze, thinking about her, as if I was making a momentous decision. I felt scared. Like I was about to enter some dangerous forest. The day she returned, I went to her residential college room and, as we rushed together to fall into a passionate kiss, I clumsily stepped all over her toes. This was portentious, because I literally, figuratively, and emotionally stepped on her toes by taking her for granted over the next 4 years, so much so that she left me soon after our first child was born... and thus began my dark night of the soul. And the journey towards writing Man Overboard.)

Simon says...

2006-01-25T20:59:00.000+11:00

Simon is a divorced father of two who has been involved with the men's movement and fatherhood organisations.
Simon says:
"I read many of these books when my marriage was on the rocks and found most of them a waste of time. Anyway to your book. I like the fact that it's short. I think too many of the books I read were just filling space because they had to. Men from Mars is a good example. I also like the quotes you have scattered through the book. I found myself moved by some of the anecdotes about your own relationship. I think many American books are not as frank about how hard this is. Relationships involve a lot of pain and insights are in my experience hard to come by. You've been pretty frank about how hard it is and I think that's somewhat comforting. It's a good idea - most books in this space are too long and a bit idealistic."

Australian Financial Review gives us the thumbs up!

2006-01-25T20:55:00.000+11:00

“You have some fantastic material," said Jill Margo, MEN’S ISSUES writer, Australian Financial Review."You offer a unique perspective that in a way rolls the debate back 50 years, yet is a radical alternative. It will be very controversial which will be good for sales and your profile.”

Why are these men so emotional?

2006-01-25T06:47:00.000+11:00

If you read the last blog in this series and the blog titled "One word: crap", you'll notice a similarity between the two. I've had bad reviews from among the now-200 people who have kindly read the manuscript of the book Man Overboard. But these two reactions distinguish themselves by their emotional energy levels (these guys are passionate about something), their rejection of the book is absolute (it has nothing of value in their eyes), and finally they set out to denigrate and even abuse the writer of the book. I don't take it personally (much). The comments about a fellow's wife are a bit rich and ungentlemanly, though.
I have thought a lot about this reaction and decided that it may be part of a pattern - and that when we launch the book we'll be attacked by emotionally-charged men and women (especially feminists), and that we should forge a strategy to anticipate these attacks.

The following passage from the book has been edited out of the final version, but it could hold a clue. It is based on reader reactions:

"There are usually only two types of males in relationships: those in denial and those in crisis. Those in denial read a few pages of this book, then cast it aside. Those in crisis grab it and devour it the way a man dying of thirst gulps water. Both type of male readers need the insights, but only those is crisis feel the need. “Nothing so wonderfully concentrates the mind as the prospect of a hanging,”said Samuel Johnson. Many men are in gridlock (marital trench warfare that could flare into a crisis at any minute) but they are in denial. That their wife would up and leave them is such a threat to their manhood they won’t even consider it a possibility. These men are usually the ones who are blindsided when she walks out or invites them to leave. This book is for men in crisis, who need first aid for their marriage. It is also for men in denial, who could use some preventative medicine to avoid future problems. But it is not just for men… It is for anyone who wants to secure their love relationships."

Now I am not claiming that the authors of these comments are definitely in denial. But the guys who couldn't get past page 15 were in denial. As to these cruelly-articulate gentlemen reviewers, I said something in the book that caused offense. Unwittingly they have joined the cast of the passion play that is the story of this book and how people react to it.

Now tell me what you really think

2006-01-24T21:00:00.000+11:00

If you were still trying to make up your mind to read the book Man Overboard (available free on the earliest blogs on this site) the following comments should decide you, one way or another. I admire the man's gift for caustic criticism, though "loquacious" was a bit rich.

Anyhow you decide.

..............

Good afternoon Michael,

I forced myself to read forty pages and then scan the remaining thirty pages of your rambling dissertation Man Overboard. Your essay lacks structure and is repetitious, loquacious and uninspiring. Most of the content is unbridled nonsense interspersed with quotations and motherhood statements, many of which lend themselves to philosophical scrutiny.

You paint yourself as a very weak man lacking any real understanding of life and relationships. The picture you paint of your wife is that of a spoilt brat dangling you on the end of a piece of string. Perhaps both of you got what you deserve. It may help if you read some of the literature on transactional analysis that deals with adult, child and parent relationships.

I hope this has been helpful.

Regards

Ian (Surname withheld until permission granted to post)

Man Overboard is not scripturally based

2006-01-23T11:30:00.000+11:00

Background: Wonderful Warwick Marsh included an offer of a free copy of Man Overboard in his Fatherhood Foundation newsletter and I received 17 requests almost overnight. One reader found the book objectionable. In this blog I reproduce the messages sent over this issue because it's an issue we have to face.

Dear Warwick,
Have you read the attached book? Whilst I appreciate his sentiments, it has no hint of being scripturally based, doesn't quote the bible, and does reference eastern religion and eastern religious leaders quite often. I know you are a busy man, so I thought I'd raise this with you. From my standpoint, although this book may achieve some temporary betterment in a relationship (it is a book of tactics), it doesn't address the core issues as covered in scripture, and in my opinion could lead readers further away from Christ instead of closer to Him. I have not discussed this with Michael, there is no point in doing so as I have no base of relationship and credibility from which to work. I will certainly not be recommending the book myself. I would be interested to hear your opinion. The book is attached if you don't have it.
Best regards,
Steve

Warwick replied...

Dear Steve
I am running a hospital.The Fatherhood Foundation is a hospital. The people I work with don't understand church language I lot of people I know don't know Jesus. Michael is on the road but he has not arrived. Few of us have arrived.For a man that hasn't arrived he makes a lot of sense. Your right he would do well to quote more from the greatest book of all. Your right the great majority of eastern Mystics are charlatans.To base your life on them can be quite dangerous. There is only one to base your life on and that is the one who gave his life to prove his love for you and me.I cant help but feel as I read Michaels book that he is on the road to Golgotha.The fragrance of the indescribable Love of God is drawing him closer ever closer.We are all on that journey we are either getting closer or we are going further away.

You can know and not do or you can do and not know. I don't know which is worse. In Christian circles I know far too many people that know all about God's love but don't put it into practice as in loving their Wives and loving their children. My goal is to help men love their wives and children and as they stretch out to do the impossible they will find it is impossible to truly love unless they meet the source of love and it is not possible to meet the source of love without getting an introduction from Jesus Christ the son of the living God. We always meet Jesus on the road to' Golgotha 'which being translated means' the place of the skull' because as Jesus said life comes through death.

In many ways Michael has tried to address the profound mystery of Christ and the church but from the back door. He even quotes one of the most profound scriptures in the bible Ephesians 5:25' Husbands, love your wives as Christ loves the Church and gave himself up for her.'He doesn't finish the quotation which goes on to say about 7 verses farther on 'This is a profound Mystery but I am speaking about Christ and the church.' Some times people who stumble through the back door end up going through the front door. Such is the overwhelming grace of God.

I would have to disagree with you in that the book is only about tactics although that's what men need most and lets not kid ourselves there but the beauty of Michaels book is that they just might put it into practice and find it works and wonder why and start to go on the journey themselves to find the source of love because our love will never be enough. We must get it from our Father in heaven.

Your in Christ's Love
Warwick Marsh

Warwick copied me in on the above, so I sent the following to Steve...

Dear Steve,

I read your concerns about my book and agree with you it is not scripturally based. God did not ask me to write such a book. While I am a regular churchgoer and read the Bible and pray for guidance and live my Faith, I'm just a traveller who sees a crash victim by the way. I want to help stop the bleeding. I'm an ordinary bloke who sees men and women in pain and wants to help stop the destruction, the needless waste of human lives through divorce and separation. I don't try to sell them religion because they're not in the market for it. They are searching for Love. But more than that, they are seeking oneness with God and they don't know it. They think the yearning is for another person, but it is for unity with God they yearn. We are all yearning for the same thing. Learning to give and receive Love brings people closer to God because God is Love. Love is the greatest power in the Universe, it is the gift of God and we deny it at our peril. Without it we are weak and alone. With Love anything is possible.
You are right to point out that there are elements of Eastern mysticism in my book. I follow the precedent set by the missionaries to the British Isles who were instructed not to oppose the pagan festivals but to reinterpret them in Christ's terms. And so a pagan fertility festival became Easter and the Winter solstice became Christmas. If I were to be labelled as Christian it would keep my message locked away from millions around the world who need it. That's a fact. My book of tactics works for modern men. That's all I have been called to do. Your comments have made me think deeply and for that I thank you. Good luck with your mission.

Regards,

Michael Kiely

Two imperfect people got married

2006-01-22T22:01:00.000+11:00

I read the whole book through today, doing the final edit, and it sounds like I'm some kind of perfect husband. Look, I'm not. I'm a very ordinary husband, but I try. I am aware of the distance between where I am and perfection. I did all those things I wrote about in the book. But it's hard to stay on top form every day. Recently we had a low spot. Nothing in particular. I was worried about business and became self-centred and obsessive. I dropped my love work rate. I'm still trying to get it up where it should be. The difference between the husband I am today and the husband I was in the bad old days is my awareness and my intention. Perfect Love is not perfect performance and bliss everyday. It's travelling in hope, knowing you're committed to each other. Committed to commitment, these were the words Warwick Marsh gave me yesterday. Someone had given them to him. When Louisa and I were in the dark days and things got hairy, I had a mantra: "I am committed to Marriage." I may not have been committed to Louisa (I was actually, but I was too hurt and scared to feel it or say it.) But commited to commitment. That's enough for me. We can work with that. We can come back from anything if we are that.

***************
"I didn't marry you because you were perfect. I didn't even
marry you because I loved you. I married you because you
gave me a promise. That promise made up for your faults.
And the promise I gave you made up for mine. Two imperfect
people got married and it was the promise that made the marriage.
And when our children were growing up, it wasn't a house that
protected them; and it wasn't our love that protected them - it was that
promise."

Thornton Wilder, The Skin of Our Teeth

We tumbled into bed without thinking

2006-01-21T05:50:00.001+11:00

It seemed like the natural thing to do when I met Lousia - we fell in love, stumbled into a relationship, tumbled into bed, became inseperable, and moved in together without thinking. I recall having a feeling of foreboding when we were arriving back at the university town to start our first year of living dangerously together. The pain and anguish we engineered for each other in the coming 4 years before we married and the ongoing tension that took our marriage to breaking point so many times - well, perhaps it could have been avoided if we'd played by the rules a little more. You see, no one knew it at the time, but cohabiting is a bad way to start a marriage if you want your marriage to last.
Look at the facts. In the past 20 years the percentage of couples that live together before marrying has jumped from 30% to 70%. Yet these days divorce rates are up. Divorce is more likely than ever before. The odds of your marriage surviving are slimmer. Why is it so? Isn't the reason you have a 'trial marriage', ie. live together, to test the relationship before signing on the dotted line? Don't we shack up first as an insurance policy against getting it wrong?
The statistics tell us that living together has the opposite effect - it makes marriages less secure, and I now know why. Just last week Louisa, Daniel and I did a personality test as part of the local Catchment Management Authority's Farm Systems Project. (See my blog for our farm http://envirofarming.blogspot.com). The Hermann Brain Dominance Indicator divided the group of 11 farmers (selected for training for their progressive farm practices) into 4 types: Blue - analyses, likes technical/financial accuracy, logical, asks 'what are the facts?'; Green - organises, likes to follow procedures, reliable, asks 'what is the sequence of events?'; Yellow - strategises, likes to conceptualise, imaginitive, asks 'how can the parts be put together?'; and Red - personalises, likes to know the effect on others, supportive, asks 'who's involved?' Now no one is simply all one colour. We are combinations of colours, and these combinations can be mapped. Just as an aside the facilitator mentioned that people who live together (cohabit) tend to have similar patterns (ie. the same personality characteristics or colour combinations) and people who follow the traditional route into marriage tend to have the opposite - that is, couples who fall in love and decide to shack up tend to have a lot in common and think that's the basis for an enduring relationship. But couples thinking seriously about spending the rest of their lives together must think about compensating characteristics in each other - how one's strengths will compensate for the other's weaknesses and vice versa. [Just imagine it: A messy, creative person living with another messy, creative person is fun at first, but then the trouble begins. An organiser living with an organiser will have no one to organise.] So are marriages that start with shacking up (like mine) doomed? No. But they require greater skills and patience with each other - and the road is likely to be rockier. (And it was.)

The Judge says keep her, you’ll find it’s cheaper

2006-01-21T05:46:00.000+11:00

IT'S OFFICIAL! Love makes you richer! Divorce can destroy 75% of your personal net worth, according to research done at Ohio State University. A research scientist at OSU's Center for Human Resource Research, tracked the wealth and marital status of 9,055 people from 1985 to 2000. A big reason married people accumulate more wealth than others is simple economies of scale - one household is cheaper to maintain than two. Divorce reverses those benefits. People become more economically productive after they marry. Married people accumulated wealth much faster, accumulating 93% more than single or divorced people over the life of the study. So even Economic Man, with a heart like a calculator, can see the value of True Love...

Who said women are more sensitive?

2006-01-18T11:55:00.000+11:00

It’s a myth. Women can be as insensitive and insulting as any idiot male can be. I have lost count of the number of times men have said to me: “I’d be crucified if I said to her some of the things she says to me.”
Special ways a woman can be insulting: They ask you if you have done something that you agreed to do, the implication being that you are a naughty boy who doesn’t do what he’s told. Or they complain if you haven’t observed their timetable for getting a task done. Or they repeat their instructions as you walk out the door, like they are speaking to a child. And they wonder why you start to act like a child. And they wonder why you become sullen and withdrawn after a few of these barbs. Then it’s your fault – you have retreated into your den.
The reason: their lack faith in you. You’ve let them down in the past. That doesn’t make it OK for them to be insulting and insensitive. It simply helps the victim understand the perpetrator. (Now there’s a change. Aren’t women always the victim? No, Virginia. Sometimes they contribute 50% of all the negative elements of any relationship. Not sometimes, but all the time. Society has just convinced them that the world is flat and men are always in the wrong. It’s a belief as misguided as the old 19th century idea that the man was always to be deferred to. Don’t expect a modern woman to believe that. In the words of one wise man I spoke to recently, “Whether he’s right or wrong, he’s wrong anyway.” Surrender to it. One day Justice might be done. One day you might stop feeling the need for Justice.

Are you in denial?

2006-01-11T15:39:00.000+11:00

There are usually only two types of males in relationships: those in denial and those in crisis. Those in denial read a few pages of this book, then cast it aside. Those in crisis grab it and devour it the way a man dying of thirst gulps water. Both type of male readers need the insights, but only those in crisis feel the need.
“Nothing so wonderfully concentrates the mind as the prospect of a hanging,”said Samuel Johnson.
Many men are in gridlock (marital trench warfare that could flare into a crisis at any minute) but they are in denial. That their wife would up and leave them is such a threat to their manhood they won’t even consider it a possibility. These men are usually the ones who are blindsided when she walks out or invites them to leave.
Everywhere I look I see men in pain. Men who feel torn between their love of a woman and their self respect. Men who feel like they are being stretched on the rack or hung on a cross. Men who are in danger of losing their wives and their kids, of losing everything they have worked for, everything that makes life meaningful…
This book is for men in crisis, who need first aid for their marriage. It is also for men in denial, who could use some preventative medicine to avoid future problems. But it is not just for men… It is for anyone who wants to secure their love relationships.

You, too, can become a test reader

2006-01-11T15:32:00.000+11:00

To counter the impression some readers of this blog might have of the book Man Overboard if they haven’t read it but saw crime writer Peter (blow to the) Temple’s comments in a recent blog, I am listing a representative array of responses from my panel of 150 test readers*:
________________
*You can also become a test reader. The Book is available in full in the first blog on this site.
________________

People from all walks of life and age groups "test read"
the Book. The testers indicate that women love it. ("It is a validation
of how every woman feels but fails to communicate to her husband."
40 year old Gold Coast businesswoman. "It spoke to my heart and
represented me and my deepest needs, desires... Just reading it
freed something inside of me." 35 year old woman from North Carolina.)
The practical examples of romantic initiatives are endorsed by
women: “The moments I remember in my romantic journey were
moments like these.” Female marketing director, cultural institution.
Men in crisis love it: Male, 25, MD, digital company, relationship in crisis
"Your book is fantastic... it made me smile, tear, feel uncomfortable,
wonder, think and most importantly learn."
Male, 40+, MD, ad agency, divorced "I've read a lot of these books.
When my marriage was on the rocks I read many of them and found
most of them a waste of time. Anyway to you book. I like the fact that
it's short. I think too many of the books I read were just filling space
because they had too. Men from Mars is a good example. I also like the
quotes you have scattered through the book. I found myself moved by
some of the anecdotes about your own relationship. I think many
American books are not as frank about how hard this is. Relationships
involve a lot of pain and insights are
in my experience hard to come by. You've been pretty frank about
how hard it is and I think that's somewhat comforting.
It's a good idea - most books in this space are too long
and a bit idealistic."
Male, 35, Senior Executive, IBM, divorced:"I loved it! I think you have
captured the ‘woman’ side of the story perfectly… that is pretty
much the story I pieced together during my breakup…. There are
some great pearls of wisdom in there… you are definitely onto
something, and it’s short enough
that a bloke will actually read it!"
Male 55, CEO communications consultancy:
“Where was this when I was being divorced… twice!!”
Other writers love it: “It’s a cracking read.” Paul Ham,
author,” Kokoda”
“You have some fantastic material. You offer a unique
perspective that in a way rolls the debate back 50 years,
yet is a radical alternative. It will be very controversial which
will be good for sales and your profile.” Jill Margo,
MEN’S ISSUES writer, Australian Financial Review
Finally it checks out with counsellors as valid: Female, 52,
Marriage Guidance Counsellor, divorced: "Started to read
your book at work today… very difficult to put it down…
found it very informative, funny at times,
but very sad to think we hurt each other so unnecessarily…
Robert is keen to read it… I think women will love what you have to say…
your explanations of relationship patterns are pretty accurate from the
female perspective…"
Maybe these people were just being kind.
Here’s an email I received from a young man of Indian extraction 2 weeks ago. I had sent him the manuscript after he heard me speak to his Australian Graduate School of Management class in North Sydney.
“ I found it very interesting, sufficiently detailed and most of all short enough that I actually finished reading it. I particularly found some of the examples quite interesting as some of them came from quite a different perspective. Whist the information was laid out well, I found that some of the information I was eagerly looking for (like the three things for a successful relationship) was not brought out early enough. Maybe this was a tactic to keep the reader interested so that he would not want to put the book down, but I would have preferred a structure with the summary of the contents at the beginning of the book. To me, this assists in creating a mental picture right from the beginning and then I can insert the details into the correct positions as I read on. One other way to get structure could be to have hierarchies of Headings and to show maybe up to 3 Heading levels in the Table of Contents.
Without getting too much in to religion / philosophy, one other interesting observation I made was that the advice you provide on Self Defence with the three stages is very similar to the teachings of the Buddha in Buddhism. You fight the enemy by forgiveness, non-violent / non-aggressive actions and by compassion. Sounds easy but not so easy to put in to action.
Finally, I think you have achieved your intention of bringing the important pieces of wisdom from the various sources into one concise reference. Now, the next stage for me is to put some of the theory in to practice.

Best Regards,
Chanaka

Any fool can have a trophy wife

2006-01-11T15:25:00.000+11:00

Any fool can have a trophy wife.
It takes a real man to have a trophy marriage.
- Diane Sollee, smartmarriages.com

I picked up a hitch hiker on my way through the Blue Mountains as I came up to the farm last week. He was a young apprentice chef. As he was telling me about his new apprenticeship, he said these bittersweet but essentially sad words: “My Mum’s boyfriend inspired me to become a chef.” The casual way “my Dad” has become “my Mum’s boyfriend” in normal conversation is shattering. Which of Mum’s boyfriends was that? Perhaps she only had the one.
The happy part was the word “inspired”. This young man had a leader, a mentor. Just what a Dad should be. And maybe his not being a “Dad” enabled him to be a bit hip and cool and inspiring.
A further revelation: our young chef-to-be likes his new profession because he loves to cook and “it’s good to be able to cook a meal for a woman.” He has discovered the power of a degree of domesticity in pulling the heartstrings of his beloved.
He gasped in admiration when I told him I’d been with the same woman for 34 years. I read somewhere that it has become a status symbol in the USA to have a long-standing marriage. They are so rare there and people understand how hard it is to stay married. When I told him, “I met my wife when she was 17 and I was 20,” which must have been close to his own age, he was sincerely impressed.
So was I, with him. Because he believed a marriage that lasts is something worth having. I hope, like his mum’s boyfriend, I was able to inspire him a little during our short ride in the mountains that day.

Lovely Linda and Simon name the day!

2006-01-10T14:44:00.000+11:00

My friend Simon is the best dad I know. He's a divorced dad and, instead of getting all bitter and twisted about it, he spends as much time with his kids as he can. Especially in the outdoors, on farms, canoeing down the Murray, travelling in the Outback. Having unforgettable experiences together. In this way he has forged an important role for himself. I admire him. I wasn't much of a dad to my three kids. I always found some client who needed me just when they needed me too. And the clients came first because we needed the money. I used work as a means of holding my wife and family at arms length. Lots of emotionally-unavailable males do the same. Then react with shock when she leaves and takes the kids.
Back to Simon. His girlfriend Linda spent precious hours over the break editing the manuscript of Man Overboard. SHe convinced me to excise large parts of the introductory ramblings and get to the point. (I agreed quickly because that had been a complaint raised several times by my readership panel.)
Anyway, Linda is an editor with a classy, up-market women's magazine and she's edited books before. But what made her contribution so special was that Simon proposed at Christmas and she accepted! So, full of pre-wedded bliss, she battled with the ill-disciplined writing style in my book about sorry guys who can't get it right with women. Congratulations Linda and Simon. You are striking a blow for hope and for the eternal power of love.

Just like "Hitch'

2006-01-07T06:14:00.003+11:00

If you've seen the movie Hitch you'll understand how I operate. You see what Hitch and I share is an insight into the female mind, heart and soul. Women say this about the book Man Overboard:

"It is a validation of how every woman
feels but fails to communicate to her husband."
40 year old Gold Coast businesswoman.

"It spoke to my heart and represented me and
my deepest needs, desires...
Just reading it freed something inside of
me." 35 year old woman from North Carolina.

Every man can have this insight. If he opens his eyes.

One word: crap.

2006-01-07T06:14:00.002+11:00

Peter Temple was my writing teacher at journalism school 25 years ago. He is now a successful novelist (see below)*. A few months back I sent him the manuscript of Man Overboard and this was his opinion:

"Michael: I've read the work. One word: crap.
I'm glad your wife is still around. I can't imagine why...
The thing reads like an advertisement
for race-tipping software. It reeks of marketing insincerity.
My only suggestion is to scrap it and try to write a brief
and honest text under a title such
as A SHORT MEDITATION ON KEEPING THE WOMAN YOU LOVE.
I am sure this advice will be of no use whatsoever to you. PT"

Peter always was rather caustic. (Inside that gruff exterior there is a human being trying to get out.) But he knows his writing craft and he's right. My book is a sales tool and I am selling love - or more precisely the potentiality of bliss beyond the dreams of mortal men.

His reply to my request for an opinion was so brilliant and encouraging that I promised him I would print it on the cover as a fair warning to potential buyers.

I welcome all feedback.

*PT's bio: Born in South Africa, Peter Temple is one of Australia's most acclaimed writers, and has worked as a journalist, magazine editor, and teacher. He is the author of eight novels, four of which have received the Ned Kelly Award for crime fiction. BAD DEBTS and BLACK TIDE are the introductory titles in his celebrated Jack Irish series.

Keep 'em laughing, son

2006-01-04T18:06:00.000+11:00

My dad said the secret to a successful marriage is the "keep 'em laughing."

Here's another way:

Marty wakes up with a killer hangover. He forces himself to open his
eyes, and the first things he sees are a couple of aspirin and a glass of
water on the side table. He sits up and sees his clothes in front of him,
clean and pressed. He takes the aspirin and notices a note on the table:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to go shopping. Love you."
He goes to the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast and the
morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home at 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke
some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you
stumbled into the door."
Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and
breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she
tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married'!"

Unknown

I found this at smartmarriages.com

Saving your marriage could save your life!

2006-01-02T10:34:00.000+11:00

That's right! It's OFFICIAL: Married men live longer and suffer less disease. Marriage is good for you! So says the Australian Bureau of Statistics. The median age of death for non-married men in 1992 was only 52 years, while married men lived on average to 75 years. The Australian National Health Strategy reported that never-married men have a death rate 124% higher than married men, and divorced/widowed men have a death rate 102% higher. The Australian Institute of Health and Welfare found in 1994 that the unmarried have mortality rates double those of married people.
If found these startling facts in a book called Twenty-One Reasons Why Marriage Matters, published by the National Marriage Coalition. (Thanks, Warwick.)

Marriage: a good career move

2005-12-30T20:46:00.000+11:00

Lots of guys don’t want to commit. Girls complain about it, but they don’t understand why. It’s because women are naturally controlling while ever they feel insecure (which is most of the time) and the guy senses she will become worse when he puts a ring on her finger. “Let the others of my sex tie the knots around their necks,’ sand Rex Harrison in My Fair Lady.
Marriage gets a bad rap from guys because they see what it does to older men. They lose their vitality, give up the fight, bland out, and settle for “hanging on in quiet desperation”. Fortunately it’s not marriage that does that to the married men. The married men did that to themselves.
But marriage is a good career move. Married men earn between 10% and 40% more than unmarried men with the same qualifications and experience, according to research in a number of western societies. Married couples build more wealth than singles or couples who are ‘living together’.
William Galston, a policy advisor to President Bill Clinton said: "You need only do three things in this country to avoid poverty - finish high school, marry before having a child, and marry after the age of 20. Only 8% of the families who do this are poor; 79% of those who fail to do this are poor.

(PLEASE tell a friend about this blog.)

Marry the girl, stupid

2005-12-30T20:44:00.000+11:00

It is fashionable to move in together without going thru the traditional route of dating, going steady, engagement, then marriage and honeymoon before sharing the matrimonial bed as well as the domestic chores. I did it. The vast majority of young people do it. It has become the norm.
It is a kind of ‘try before you buy’ routine, but it doesn’t work. It hasn’t reduced the divorce rate. That keeps rising. Not that I advocate the traditional route, either.
I do know this: a defacto relationship can drift along and never get to the altar. The guy might assume that the girl is content with the arrangement, because he is. But she’s not.
Very few women are content with a low-commitment relationship. Women want demonstrations of love. Women also want security. Women want marriage.
Don’t assume that because she is not nagging you to name the day, she isn’t secretly yearning for it. She is.
Going thru a ceremony is not just bullshit. It changes the way you think about each other. That’s what ceremonies are for – shifting your consciousness from one stage in your life to another. I married the first time to help a friend get into the country. It was an immigration marriage. (Don’t ask me how it came to that – it’s a long story. I will tell it in a future blog.) My relationship with the friend changed from one of general friendship to a special caring. Nothing changed except that we had been thru a ceremony and a fantastic, fun party afterwards.
Marriage sends an important message to friends, family and the world that the two of you have something greater than mere attachment. But more important - the ceremony of marriage sends an important message to your girl. It says "You are the one I am committed to go on this journey with. You are the one out of all the others that I want to spend my time with. You are the one." When she truly believes that... and I believe most married women don't feel that message coming from their husbands... when she believes that she will open like a flower and shower blessings upon you and delight you in every way.
If you value your woman and want to keep her by your side, then propose to her. Be as corny as you can. She will love you for it.

Words I heard but did not hear

2005-12-27T18:33:00.000+11:00

Watching the memorial concert for George Harrison on TV last night, I was struck by the lyrics of Isn't It A Pity, sung by Eric CLapton. (Ironically Eric stole George's first wife Patty away from him. Now read the words he sang to his old friend...)

Isn’t it a pity
Isn’t it a shame
How we break each other’s hearts
And cause each other pain
How we take each other’s love
Without thinking anymore
Forgetting to give back
Isn’t it a pity

I thought about this song because when I was a young man I was cruel and heartless and earned every scrap of pain I endured.
What other songs were ringing out a warning to me? Graham Nash's "Wounded Bird" held the secret to my agony and how to avoid it.

I've watched you go through changes
That no man should face alone
Take to heel or tame the horse
The choice is still your own
but arm yourself against the pain
A wounded bird can give
And in the end remember
It's with you you have to live
And in the end remember
It's with you you have to live

Stand your ground I think you've got
The guts it takes to win
But you must learn to turn the keys
Before she'll let you in
And understand the problems of the girl you want
so near or you'll wear the coat of questions `til the
answer hat is here
You'll wear the coat of questions `til the
answer hat is here

Serenade your angel with a love song from your eyes
Grow a little taller even though your age defies
Feel a little smaller
And in stature you will rise
A hobo or a poet must kill dragons for a bride;
And humble pie is always hard to swallow
with your pride

The pain a wounded bird can give - women give us pain becaue they are wounded, by us, by other men, by society.
The suit of questions - what man doesn't wear it? The questions are all about women - what does she mean?
Killing dragons - the latest theory I have read about slaying dragons to win the woman is the notion put forward by Jungian psychologist Robert Johnson that the dragon represents a man's ego. Once he has defeated that he can truly come into his role as husband and lover. Humble pie is what you eat to slay the dragon.

If only I'd known the meaning of the words I was singing, I'd have lived a blissful life... and so would Louisa.

More about the Fathers Foundation"s Warwick Marsh

2005-12-27T18:13:00.000+11:00

Warwick Marsh read Man Overboard and thinks it hits the spot. "Alison likes it too, which is always a good sign," he told me. Warwick runs the Fathers Foundation and Fathers Online. He is committed to promoting fatherhood and the active participation of fathers in family life. He celebrated 30 years of marriage just a few weeks ago... what a milestone! He has 5 children. The Marshes have an amazing story which I told you in an earlier blog. Warwick has been active in the construction industry - he's a builder - but he has managed to set up several organisations and run them, raise a family, keep his wife happy, and engage all his family in a musical group that recorded a very professional double CD called "Fathers" and ahs performed all around the world.
Warwick agrees with me - or I agree with him. Love is the power that holds the universe together. More pecifically, the primary love relationship in the family is ther most imprtant for the emotional health of the family. If the parents have a solid love affair going, it is generally a simple matter for love to radiate outwards.

Are you on the Path?

2005-12-20T12:21:00.000+11:00

In his book The Path To Love, Deepak Chopra describes our search for love as a journey into yourself that doesn't end when you find your loved one. My friend Bruce is on the path. He sent me these words today after reading the blog:

'Wow Michael. Man Overboard really spoke to me and crystallised a number of
thoughts and techniques that I have been slowly
pondering/developing/implementing each time I emerge from days in my cave of
denial and obstinance. I look forward to discussing with you soon.
Thankyou, Bruce'

Bruce is a terrific father and a great husband. But even he finds ideas and insights in Man Overboard. I am staggered. Must be because the Path is never ending.

In future blogs I'll include comments I have collected from the 150 or so 'test readers' who have trialled the book.

***************STOP PRESS*************

The entire text of Man Overboard is now available on the first blog on this site. Please email me your comments.

Michael

Fatherhood Foundaton gives us thumbs up!

2005-12-20T08:10:00.000+11:00

The businessman behind the Fatherhood Foundation thinks Man Overboard is right on the money. "It's brilliant," says Warwick Marsh who established Australia's leading fatherhood organisation 15 years ago with his wife Alison.
Warwick & Alison Marsh have travelled across Australia, talking to average Australians, and found much grief and heartache in the families of the nation. Together they established Australian Heart Ministries as a charitable, not for profit organization, 'to relieve the spiritual, emotional and physical poverty of children and their mothers and fathers, both in Australia and around the world'. They have helped thousands of people in that time.
Warwick and I hit it off. I think of he and Alison as role models for what I am doing. They recently celebrated 30 years married, a magnificent achievement. They have raised 5 children. They have ridden the rollercoaster of running their own businesses in the construction industry. My wife and I did the same thing for 14 years until last August, so I understand the energy it requires and the time it soaks up. To set up and grow a special organisation to help people in distress at the same time is hard work. Warwick's encouragement means a lot to me because sometimes I can get discouraged when I get a rejection notice from a publisher. (I have received many of these.) Check out their sites www.fathersonline.org and www.fatherhoodfoundation.org.

Danger: Menopause

2005-12-18T03:22:00.000+11:00

Louisa and I enjoyed a new show at Star City last night: "Menopause: The Musical". It's a light-hearted look at the serious business of "change of life" for women. It is important for men to understand menopause because it can lead to the divorce courts, literally. Why?
One of the key danger zones for a marriage arrives at around the 25th anniversary. The children have left the nest and the woman looks at the man and says to herself "Now, what about me? What is my life about? Who am I? And who is this person?" If the woman hasn't developed a strong sense of her own identity during the 'mothering' years, now is when she will attempt to 'find myself'. Many men have heard this as the explanation for why she is leaving, as she is walking out the door.
Building a strong, constantly-renewing love affair with your wife during the mothering years can do 2 things to avoid this outcome: 1. It gives her a reason to stay with you after the kids leave. 2. It helps her stay in touch with her own identity and self worth instead of being buried under a landslide of roles such as mother, wife, etc.
Menopause doesn't cause women to leave at aorund 25 years. But it can supercharge the process. Women report the following symptoms: mood swings, confusion, forgetfulness, depression, sleeplessness, loss of interest in sex, and the like. These can put an even greater gap between a husband and a wife than exists normally (in a normal dysfunctional marriage). She doesn't understand what's happening and he retreats into the cave. No open discussion takes place. Menopause can be a frightful experience - night sweats and hot flushes. What makes it dangerous for a marriage is that it is the process whereby a woman's body ceases to be a vehicle for fertility and reproduction, a process which for many, if not most women, subconsciously defined the person's identity since the day she started cycling (not on a bicycle). When a person's self image and identity is undermined and shattered, a new identity must emerge. In this process the woman can find herself looking at a man who is no longer relevant. He is expecting the same service - domestic and sexual, little suspecting the body is still there, but the mind and spirit have changed. She's a newly-emerged personality.
A husband who is closely engaged with his wife emotionally and is communicating with her at a high level of intimacy will not be blindsided by menopause. She will feel free talking about it and will seek his support and understanding. There may need to be negotiation about sex. For some women interest never returns. He will be loving and supportive. Ideally she should be as comfortable talking to you about these issues as she would with a girlfriend.
Louisa and I have been through the experience - it coincided with her decision to leave me just prior to my "epiphany" which shook my soul and opened up my eyes just in time to save my marriage. Lucky for both of us, Louisa's symptoms were not as severe or as long-lasting as some womens' are -- due, I believe, to Louisa's natural comfort level and connectedness with her body, but also to our open discussion about the process and the support I gave her. I believe a husband can help reduce the severity of symptoms of manopause by dosing his wife with extraordinary amounts of love and understanding.
More than ever she needs to feel loved, attractive, appreciated for who she is rather than the roles she plays. Extra attentiveness is the key.
Which leads us back to the 2 things women want most from their men: intimacy and attentiveness. I you are routinely delivering these two fundamental 'ticket to the dance' requirements, you should sail through menopause.
If you aren't, look out!

We'll launch on Valentine's Day 2006!

2005-12-15T08:42:00.000+11:00

Yesterday I attended a workshop called "3 Ways To Write a Non-Fiction Book", run by the amazing Robyn Henderson (www.networkingtowin.com.au). She will help me make my dream come true - ie. publish Man Overboard. I am going to do it myself. The oligarchy of brain dead publishers are simply a barrier to quality output. For $8000 I can have 1000 copies printed, do my own distribution and my own PR, and get the workshops going. I will be the publisher! Robyn revealed low cost sources of all the services I need - editing, typesetting, design, legal advice... She showed how to created multiple income streams from the core content, via seminars, videos, DVDs, ezines, newsletters, movies, CD audio, training package, etc. She stressed the importance of building a database and soliciting preorders, creating versions of the book for different audiences, creating a community online that want access to ongoing information and support.
So action: today I sent the manuscript and the cover illustration I have discovered on Fotosearch to Jason Knight, a young designer who was doing the course with me. He will quote on designing the cover. My good buddy Martin Kane has also got the brief. Later today I will approach Linda, my friend Simon's partner, who has offered to edit the book. She is an editor with Marie Claire magazine. I hope she can do it over the break. As for printers, I had drinks with Greg Bright, publisher of Technology & Investment magazine who said he had published several books and was able to get good prices from printers. (I might see if he can get access to a deal for me.)
Meanwhile I have got to develop a distribution plan and a publicity plan, design the workshops and create the promotion plan for getting attendees. My good friend Ramin has agreed to invest in the project to help get it off the ground.
Exciting, isn't it?
I think I'll just go to www.thorpe.com.au and get my ISBN number and barcode right now. See you...

Did you pick us out of the crowd?

2005-12-13T06:18:00.000+11:00

I had a haystack of hair in 1974 and Louisa looked as sunny and appealing as always. We lived in shearers’ quarters on “Kialami”, on the Boorolong Road outside Armidale in northern New South Wales. I was doing my Honours year in history and Louisa was in her third year of Agricultural Economics. I spent more time playing in the band with my brother Stephen (the tall blonde haystack) and Mick Porter (the guy with the girl with the dog). Mick had arrived earlier in the year with rock band Cold Chisel who camped in our house for a month or so. Mick was their roadie, but they kicked him out because he liked Jackson Browne. Chisel was a hard-driving, blues and soul based prototype punk band. They had many hits in Australia and their lead singer Jimmy Barnes went on to a highly successful career as Australia’s premier rock screamer.
Though it was exciting to be living with a guy in a band, Louisa was not getting the love or attention she needed. I was a self-centred prick and treated her like she was an accessory. I am blessed that she stayed as long as she did. The left me once in 1974, moving into town to stay with her friend Marlene. I was glad to see her go at the outset. But very quickly I discovered she had taken my heart with her. All I had was this bloody gaping wound in my chest. She returned, but we moved into town, to Mann Street… and even more pain and separation as she found other boys to play with. I was a fool. I could have avoided all the angst had I read the book. But the agony was an important part of my learning, preparing me to write the book. It's great to have the past's seemingly futile pain justified and understood in terms of the soul's journey towards self awareness. Sounds heavy, but it's not. It's lighter than light.

SELF DEFENCE STARTS WITH YOU

2005-12-12T16:58:00.000+11:00

Louisa and Michael living with a bunch of hippies/uni students on a Border Leicester stud near Armidale in 1974. Little did I know we were about to enter the danger zone and I would discover the meaning on pain. (She had already discovered it...)

The following is an excerpt from the book. The first half of the book is posted as the first entry on this blog. You can email me for the whole manuscript if you want it. Gratis.

.........

This book is called a “Self Defence Course” because that’s what it is. It sets out plainly and simply a three-step process you can follow to disarm and capture your enemy. But unlike any ordinary self defence course, it’s not about your enemy – it’s about you. Only you can stop the pain that both of you are feeling as you struggle to come to terms with each other. Ghandi said: “Be the change you want to see in others.” Every counsellor and expert will tell you: you can’t change people. Endless nagging doesn’t make men better husbands. Retreating into your cave and acting hurt hasn’t worked with your wife yet, has it? It doesn’t work with mine.
Fighting with her doesn’t work. She only gets more entrenched in her point of view. Reasoning with her doesn’t work. Let’s face it, women are not reasonable from a male point of view. She’s not going to change… she’d have done it by now. If you think hunkering down and waiting out the storm will see her become sweet and loving again, you are wrong. The odds are she’ll get worse and finally she’ll press the eject button.

[If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got. – Anon.]

You have to take the battle up to her. Force change on her by changing yourself. Come out of your corner and hit her with every thing you’ve got in your arsenal of Love. You can love a woman into submission.

[The kind of marriage you make depends upon the kind of person you are. If you are a happy, well-adjusted person, the chances are your marriage will be a happy one. If you have made adjustments so far with more satisfaction than distress, you are likely to make your marriage and family adjustments satisfactorily. If you are discontented and bitter about your lot in life, you will have to change before you can expect to live happily ever after. -Evelyn Duvall and Reuben Hill]

This Course challenges you to lead the way in renovating your relationship. It challenges you to change the way you think about your partner, what you do and say to them, and how you think about yourself.
Be warned. This Course is easy only if you are flexible and courageous. Do you have the guts to truly love your wife? That is the question you will answer to yourself as you go through the stages of this Course. Remember, the love that you are seeking is searching for you right now, according to Deepak Chopra. Are you ready to answer its call?

[“Although it happens spontaneously, falling in love isn’t accidental – there are no accidents in the spiritual life, only patterns we haven’t yet recognised. All love is based on the search for spirit. This is the first major insight to be found in romantic love – it really isn’t about two people falling in love. It is two people seeing spirit in each other.” - Deepak Chopra]

Stage 1: Forgiveness
The tactic that puts you on top immediately

Looked at from a common sense point of view, I am talking a load of rubbish. My plan for putting you back in control of your married life makes no sense at all. (It is is “counter-intuitive”. Example: to fly through the air we use a machine made of metal that weighs hundreds of tonnes. Now does that make sense? No. But it works. It’s called a jet aircraft.)
Stage 1 in the Self Defence Course For Men In Marriage is Forgiveness. That’s right. Hit her with an act of Compassion. Forgive her for all the nasty things she has said to you. Forgive her for the way she has made you feel so many times – like a piece of dogshit on the ground. Forgive her for trying to destroy your marriage. Forgive her for trying to reduce you to the level of the guy who pays for everything but doesn’t get to enjoy any of it. (It’s called alimony.) Forgive her for thinking only of herself. Forgive her for having an affair or for considering having one (if that’s happened).

[Marriage is the only war where you sleep with the enemy.- Gary Busey]

Now this ain’t easy. But the payoff is so huge you’ve got to try it. Sounds outrageously impossible? It’s not. And the benefits, my friend, are fantastic.
Forgiveness Benefit 1: The pain in your guts goes, almost disappears. You feel better and better the more you can forgive. That’s because only the strong can forgive. By acting strong you feel strong.
Forgiveness Benefit 2: You become more powerful in your dealings with her. Calmer. More controlled. Stronger. Less reactive. More mature.
Forgiveness Benefit 3: She notices, don’t you worry. In a marriage conflict, she is scanning your reactions for any tiny sign of weakness so she can go in for a shot. It’s survival time for her… and for you. You are both living on your instincts. She will sense your new strength.
An Act of Forgiveness is easy to say, hard to do. Here is a simple way to start.
Step 1: Think it. Think about how she sees things. Try to imagine you were her in this situation. Criticise yourself a little. How have you let her down? Even if you think she’s unrealistic, it’s how she thinks and you’re not going to change that in any other way than by following this Course. Try some “Compassion”. Compassion – ‘suffering with’ or ‘walking with another’s suffering’ – is the ability to acknowledge pain in another and support their struggle. I have found that you cannot know or understand the pain of another unless you have felt pain yourself. And the deepest cut you have received determines how deeply you can feel for another. So use the pain you’ve been given to project your feelings into hers. How must she be feeling? Women hate conflict and causing pain in others (contrary to appearances). Try some Empathy – ‘feeling within another’ – the ability to know what it feels like to be someone else. Climb out of your selfish skin for long enough to see what other people see… and you’ll be amazed. It’s the first step to taking back your power.
The “Empathy Exercise” is very important – I have seen it open up a man’s eyes in an instant. In a blinding flash of insight, someone close to me came to understand just what he’d put his partner through and he was able to forgive her easily… whereas only an hour or so before he had been full of bitterness and anger. All that was gone and only tears of remorse remained. He had opened his heart and he now could express the love she so badly wanted. (But was it too late for him? She thought so. More on this case as it unfolds.)
You may need some help for the empathy exercise – someone to guide you through. A counsellor, a coach, a female friend who can gently open your eyes by asking questions.
Step 2: Say it. Say to yourself: “I forgive (her name) for (whatever I believe she did that damaged me and our relationship.)” It may feel strange at first, like a new golf swing… but repeat it several times. Get used to the idea. You’re not letting her off the hook – she did those things. But you are saying you don’t want revenge for it. You don’t want to hurt her or get back at her. You want to replace that feeling of revenge with a feeling of understanding. She did it. She’ll have to wear it. But you’re not judge and jury. You are now a bystander.
Step 3: Write it. It might help to write her a letter (which you don’t send). Set down all the ways she hurt you and how it made you feel. Go into as much detail as you want – express your anger. Finish by telling her you have forgiven her. Tell her what you feel for her deep down and how much you want the relationship to work. Then either burn the letter or hide it somewhere. You might want to read it again to remind yourself in future how you took the first big step towards mending your problems together because you are the bigger person in the conflict. You had the guts to change the way you reacted in the situation, choosing courage in the face of fear and anger. And you won.
Step 4: Feel it. It can take a long time to reach Complete Forgiveness. Once you do, you feel no anger about how you have been treated by her. You feel sorry for her instead, and you feel sorry for the part you played in making her act that way. You feel like trying to make it up to her. Your pain and anxiety about what happened to you has almost all gone.

“A happy marriage is the union of two forgivers.” - Ruth Bell Graham

What do I know about Forgiveness? It saved my life and my marriage. Here is the story of my “long, dark night of the soul”. When my defacto wife of four years walked out on me with our 3 month old child, she moved in with a new boyfriend under the same roof – in the next room! I was stunned and blind-sided. There was nothing I could do to stop it. No physical attack on the guy would have brought her back to me, no attack on her would have either. They were protected by law. I took her to a lawyer to see whether I could stop her leaving the country to follow this guy overseas. The lawyer laughed me out of his office with the words, “You’re just a jealous boyfriend. You have no rights.”

[The Sixth Eternal Law of Marriage:
Love forgives and forgives and forgives again.]

I was crushed, beaten. I was the father of this child and the Law said, “You have no rights. You are nothing.” So all I could do was what I did. When the pain had subsided enough, I tried to understand her and why she was acting as she was. (Empathy.) And I realised she was starved for love and possibly suffering some post natal trauma or depression, brought on by my behaviour. I had withdrawn emotionally after the birth and become a workaholic to pay for this new family I had found myself providing for. I had abandoned her at age 22 to handle a new baby on her own in a foreign country, far away from her family. I felt her pain. (Compassion.) No wonder she was easy pickings. I could only Forgive her – and I did, little bit by little bit – and defend her when both our families condemned her and made her feel outcast. I pleaded for understanding because I understood what she had gone through. I was at fault. If I had loved and supported her, she would never have left me. I created my own pain.
When I had forgiven, I felt better about what was happening, more confident I could handle it. Forgiveness makes it easier to do the next important step. Surrender.

“Whenever you are confronted with an opponent, conquer him with love.” - Mahatma Gandhi

Handling the pain

Pain is not negotiable. It comes with the turf. Love and pain go hand in hand. You won’t escape pain by doing anything mentioned in this book. But you’ll know greater joy. The twin virtues of compassion and empathy – mentioned by the Dalai Lama as the essential building blocks of love – are both grown inside you by the experience of pain.
So don’t fear pain. Welcome it like a brother. It is your teacher and liberator. Once through its Course you will emerge like a warrior, battle-scarred but hardened and wise in the ways of the battlefield. And afraid of no one, especially yourself.
There are two types of pain: clean pain and dirty pain. Clean pain is pain you know you cannot avoid. You understand how you contributed to it, brought it on yourself, and you face the music. Clean pain usually teaches us a lesson and then lets us go. Dirty pain is pain you deny or try to run away from. It catches up to you and it is harder to take than clean pain. This is because you are denying the role you played in creating it and resisting its lesson. I know which type of pain I prefer.

[Never say marriage has more joy than pain. -Euripedes Alcestis]

You never get used to pain, but you can become comfortable in the knowledge that you’ve felt it and survived it before and you’ll do so again. Knowing this can give you courage to go on when others drop out of the fight.

[I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewellry. -Rita Rudner]

[“When you’re oblivious to ways marriage can operate as a people-growing process, all you see are problems and pathology – and the challenges of marriage will probably defeat you. Your pain will have no meaning except failure and disappointment; no richness, no soul. Spirituality is an attitude that reveals life’s meaning through everyday experience; however, don’t bother seeking sanctuary in your marriage. Seeking protection from its pains and pleasures misses it purpose: marriage prepares us to live and love on life’s terms.” - Dr Raymond Schnarch, Passionate Marriage]

Stage 2: Surrender
The tactic that turns the tide

Here we are at Surrender. This is the single most important point of this Course. It is the most powerful weapon you have at your disposal. Surrender, lay down your arms, stop the war. Stop struggling. Win by losing. How can you get started? Easy. Cry. That’s what I did. I burst into tears one day and confessed that I now understood what my approach to love had done to my wife – starved her of the deep affection she craved. I’d finally “got it.” She did not believe it for some months, but I set about wooing her on a scale not seen since Romeo and Juliet. Eventually, 25 years of scepticism collapsed under the siege of my love.

So OK. You can’t cry – it doesn’t matter. What matters is that you surrender. Surrender to the inevitable. Fall on your sword. Concede the field to her. Sue for peace on her terms. You will never win the battle with your wife while you struggle against her. Love is the only weapon left to you that will be effective

Like Forgiveness, this is ‘counter-intuitive’. That is, it sounds back-the-front. Yet it is precisely what will work because the opposite is the case if you do the opposite – continue fighting. If you continue fighting, she will walk away – and you lose. You’ll never win that battle by arguments, threats, bullshit or lies. You will lose if you fight. It’s that simple.

Surrender? Give up? Lose your power? Yes, and no. It sounds insane, but believe me it works. The moment you appear to lose in the eyes of your opponent in the war of the sexes, you start to win. The tide turns. Don’t ask me why. It just does. The reason can be found in this story from ancient Celtic mythology.

A good marriage is therapy, every living day. – Steve Biddulph, Manhood

One of the knights of the Round Table was captured by a king and told he would be executed at dawn. He could save his life by agreeing to marry a woman in the king’s court who was a hag by day and a princess by night, or a hag by night and a princess by day. Morning came and the knight was asked, “What’s it to be, Sir Knight. Death or Life?” The knight chose life. The king called for the woman to be brought before him. The knight then gave his hand to the woman. When asked to choose whether she be a hag by day or by night, he turned to the lady and said “I will let the lady decide.’ She replied: “Sire, as you have given me sovereignty, I will be a princess by day and a princess by night.”

The knight – representing you and me – surrendered his power to the lady and she in turn solved his problem for him by changing herself. (Remember you can’t change people by nagging, criticising or by force. You can only change them by making them want to change – by inspiring them to do it.)

It’s like winning the war by refusing to fight. When you surrender to love, you are crowned with glory. Why? Because no woman can tolerate injustice. Your wife seeks to gain the advantage at every encounter when you are ‘gridlocked’ (the normal state of marriage – trench warfare) because she sees you as being unjust. She’ll have a laundry list of the things you do wrong or don’t do. She feels victimised by you, just as you feel victimised by her.

But you see things differently: from where you stand, she’s victimising you. No matter what you think about it, the version of reality you have to deal with exists inside the mind of the person who you are trying to win. Her version of reality is the one you’ve got to work with. You won’t convince her she’s wrong. Have you ever been able to do that? Never. That path leads nowhere.

[The Seventh Eternal Law of Marriage:
Struggle ceases when you surrender to Love.]

Give in, admit you have been 100% wrong and declare that she is 100% right. Surrender unilaterally and sincerely. Then watch what happens. When I had demonstrated my surrender was not a faked conversion, Louisa was quick to defend my old self and give strong praise of much of my old behaviour. (The stuff they never mention, like killing yourself to provide nice homes and private schooling for the kids and cars to drive and overseas trips. The very items you feel justify your feelings of victimisation. “Where’s my reward for killing the buffalo? Where’s all the sex I should get?”)

She can’t fight with an opponent who surrenders. You become strangely powerful. You have re-defined the battlefield. You’ve change the game. It’s no longer about scoring points off each other – she’s better at that than you are anyway… she gets more practice. Instead she is forced to contend with a man who has changed and taken away from her the target she enjoyed hitting. You gain power.

Surrender is the secret to success, the central point of this entire exercise. It is the silver bullet that slays the vampire and puts you back in the driver’s seat in your marriage.

“When they are fully committed in love, the husband sees God in the wife and the wife sees God in the husband. On this basis they are able to surrender to each other, because they are only surrendering to the spirit in everything.” - Deepak Chopra

First aid for sick marriages

Surrender is emergency treatment for a marriage sliding into the divorce courts. If you do nothing else in the short term but Surrender, you should have bought the time you need to salvage the situation. In most cases. If you can get her to stop seeing the lawyer, stop kicking you out of the family home, stop walking out the door herself, you have stopped the bleeding. Now you need to work on a cure, and fast.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave himself up for her. - Ephesians 5:25

Surrender is so unexpected and powerful, it usually stops women in their tracks. They can’t handle it. They’ve never seen it before… especially in you. The uncharacteristic behaviour that follows catches them by surprise and puts a question into their minds. “Maybe he’s genuine. Maybe he’s flipped his lid. He might have changed. Let’s see…”

And you’re back on the front foot. You’re controlling the agenda. You’re controlling the timing. You are centre stage. Now it’s time for the performance of your life. Now it’s time for the wooing to start again, big time.

Why me? It’s not fair

Hold on! It takes two to tango. No ying without yang. She contributed at least 50% to the state of our marriage. Why should I have to do all the forgiving, apologising and the wooing? Why should I be the one giving in all the time?

Good question. I’ve had two middle aged male friends reject my Total Love Attack strategy. Let’s call them Alex and Trevor, because those are their names. They rejected the approach on the grounds that:

1. It means “doing what you’re told”. That is, total submission to a woman as a mommy figure.
2. I was just “c***-struck”. That is, so stoked about my wife and so desperate to hold on to her (for sex) that I had lost my mind.

These opinions are fairly typical for Australian males. Both these guys are sad sacks who live without partners after unsuccessfully trying to live with women on many occasions. Both of them desperately want to have a successful relationship with a woman – to give and receive love. But neither of them can see a way to do it without handing their balls to the woman on a plate. (Ouch!)

The reality is this: she’ll hand them right back to you, with interest. And that interest can include the best sex you’ll ever have, far better than the big, tough “Macho, Macho Man” will ever get. That’s the best reason I can think of for the “Surrender” strategy – sex. Lots of it.

If you judge people, you have no time to love them. -Mother Theresa

But there’s more science to it than that. There are 7 reasons why the male has to take it on the chin and make the running in the Total Love Attack strategy:

REASON FOR TAKING THE FALL #1: The girl is leaving you, sport. She’s the customer and you’re the salesman. Get this: Rule Number 1 - the customer is always right. Rule Number 2 – if the customer is ever wrong, go back and read Rule Number 1. It stands to reason that you might need to make a few concessions, at least until you get her back on the team.

REASON FOR TAKING THE FALL #2: She hasn’t contributed 50% to the relationship problems. Girls are very relationship savvy. She may have started half the fights, been in the wrong 50% of the time, and caused 50% of the grief… but you were the one who had the main problem with relationship. Blokes are like that. We’re not comfortable with our feelings, we have no training or role models to follow. We think she should be satisfied that we hang around and allow her to cook and clean for us. When it comes to investing in the relationship, she has put in 80% to 90% of the effort. If the relationship’s broken, then we can only blame the maintenance guy who hasn’t been on the job – you and me.

REASON FOR TAKING THE FALL #3: She has been hurt bad for a long time by your rejection of her love, your refusal to make her feel cared for, your refusal to accept her feelings as valid, your refusal to make her feel special, and your refusal to share your feelings with her. (You didn’t know you were doing this, but that’s what you did, and there’s no way you’ll convince a woman that it’s OK to do those things because she doesn’t believe you didn’t know. She thinks you think the same way she does, remember? In fact she misinterpreted everything you did, but the fact remains – she was hurt, bad, for a long time, and you’re the culprit in her eyes. And she’s the customer.

REASON FOR TAKING THE FALL #4: We are able to take it on the chin. Men are less emotional than women and can see the logic of sacrificing something up front for big returns later on. God knows we suffered in silence for long enough during the open warfare in this relationship. We can take a good hiding with our mouth’s shut. We’re big enough to swallow our pride and get on with the job.

REASON FOR TAKING THE FALL #5: Someone’s got to give in and change the game. If you remain deadlocked, there’s only one outcome – the one you committed yourself to avoiding at the very start of this book. You lose her. Do you want to be right – and alone? Or loved and respected? Women don’t love you because you can beat them in an argument.

REASON FOR TAKING THE FALL #6: Women have a good trailer load of anger against men in general to unload to begin with, even before you added your pile of manure to it. She needs to offload some psychological garbage before she can truly be fair and reasonable in a relationship. Many women have been hurt by their fathers – felt abandoned when he was a boozer, when he walked out on the family, when he wasn’t there for her when she was growing up (too busy at work). Then they are hurt by the many idiot boy friends that they encountered – sexual predators, emotional pygmies and boofheads (like you and me) who hurt their feelings, used and abused them, rejected their offers of love, treated them the way we thought girls had to be treated if you were any sort of real man: ie. badly. Then there is the “patriarchy” – the old male-dominated society. Sexism. The feminists got one thing right and 99 things wrong. The one thing right was the way society valued females in the old days as less important than males – women couldn’t get certain jobs, couldn’t rise to the top, were treated as domestic servants and child bearers by Society. This is now largely not the case. But if you were brought up under the old regime, you grew up thinking that as a girl you weren’t good enough. Who got preference over you? Males. What are you? A male. “They’re all the same.” Though it wasn’t your fault, you share the collective blame. Female logic. But if you had an abusive mother, for instance, part of your anger would be directed at the other women in your life. You couldn’t’ help it.

REASON FOR TAKING THE FALL #7: You’re a male. So you’re wrong. Everybody knows it – watch the TV shows and ads. They don’t show women being stupid dorks. Only males. Feminists have done such a good job of bagging males as a gender that the whole of society now feels comfortable bagging one gender. No wonder boys are difficult at school – they are taught to think of themselves as stupid by the media well before they get to school. So we play up to expectations. If you expect to be wrong, you’ll be wrong.

“There are only two things wrong with men. Everything they say and everything they do.” - 3M Post-It Note

For all these reasons, the best strategy is to own up as the culprit, take your medicine, and smile. If no girl wants to buy your brand of love long term, you need to change the brand you’re selling. Get the new and improved version of Masculine Love and you’ll be a hit.

But be warned, women don’t want a good little mamma’s boy tied to their apron strings. They don’t want a man who’ll do as he’s told all the time. They want a man who respects them and who they can respect. They want a wild man who will sweep them up in a romantic adventure, dominate them like a brute, ravish them, then set them back on a pedestal. They want a guy who makes them feel so secure and loved that they can trust him to take over making the decisions and captaining the ship.

One intense sexual storm in a hay barn means more to her than three years of tepid lovemaking. She wants passion and purpose in a man, and she carries a weighty desire in her, a passion somewhere between erotic feeling and religious intensity. – Robert Bly

So there is a period of proving you are a New Man… waiting for her to trust that the New Man won’t disappear and leave the old man in his place. Once she trusts you’re fair dinkum, you get your balls back. And your life. And as she becomes less defensive, you’ll even get admissions of guilt and apologies for her part in the disaster that nearly became of your marriage. But don’t hang out for that. She may not ever mature to that extent. Just be glad you’re still there.

Better than sex

The following sentences from Deepak Chopra’s book The Path To Love might appear mysterious, but “surrender” promises far more than domestic harmony and more sex.

“Through surrender the needs of the ego, which can be extremely selfish and unloving,, are transformed into the true need of the spirit, which is always the same – the need to grow. As you grow, you exchange shallow, false feelings for deep, true emotions, and thus compassion, trust, devotion, and service become realities. Such a marriage is sacred; it can never falter because it is based on divine essence. Such a marriage is also innocent, because your only motive is to love and serve the other person.

“Surrender is the door one must pass thought to find passion. Without surrender, passion is centred on a person’s craving for pleasure and stimulation. With surrender, passion is directed toward life itself – in spiritual terms, passion is the same as letting yourself be swept away on the river of life, which is eternal and never-ending in its flow.

“The final fruit of surrender is ecstasy: when you can let go of all selfish attachments, when you trust that love is at the core of your nature, you feel complete peace. In this peace there is a seed of sweetness perceived in the very centre of the heart, and from this seed, with patience and devotion, you nurture the supreme state of joy, known as ecstasy”.

Ecstasy! I felt and feel that ecstasy still. It was an intense feeling euphoria for months after my ‘epiphony’ and now it has settled down into an infatuated glow whenever I see or think about Louisa. I can’t help myself. I am deeply in love with her – I always was, I just couldn’t express it. Something was blocking my feelings: maleness. Once I had given up the struggle and surrendered, my feelings flowed freely and love was born fully formed and whole. Life became blessed joy, sex became a sacred journey of delights, and Louisa eventually became a princess by day and by night.

The change had to happen in me before it happened in her.

Stage 3: Woo her
The tactic that delivers lots of unbelievable sex

Let’s get down to it. What do you want out of life? Wait: I can guess: lots of unbelievable sex and a life free from nagging. Here is the carrot for following the steep path of love You get to do the things you want to do – have more sex, stay up late to watch the game, eat unhealthy food, etc. And you get to laugh a lot more. Why? Because your wife is happy because she is in love – madly in love – with you.

How can this be? It’s because you have wooed her all over again, only this time the infatuation doesn’t fade. It becomes permanent… because you dedicate yourself to wooing her. Everyday. Ceaselessly.

[The Eighth Eternal Law of Marriage: Love begets love.]

Why must you woo her? Because inside their minds and hearts women only want one thing: to be in love, all the time. Sweet romantic love, from a Prince Charming who showers them with attention and affection. It works like a perpetual motion machine:

Step 1. You act in a loving way.
Step 2. She becomes more loving and loveable.
Step 3. You in turn find it easier and more fun to give her loving attention.
Step 4. She in turn becomes more loving… and on it goes.

For true love is inexhaustible; the more you give, the more you have. And if you go to draw at the true fountainhead, the more water you draw, the more abundant is its flow. -Antoine de Saint-Exupery

The term “making love” means having sex in our time, but there was a time when a man could be making love to a woman just by paying her attention. Women love attention. They feel affection for those who give them attention. You “make” love grow in a woman by wooing her. She in turn makes love grown in you by her reaction – sweet, sweet lovin’.

John Gray (in Men are From Mars, Women Are from Venus) agrees with me. He says that if you make sure your wife’s love needs are being met by demonstrating your feelings in action, it will ‘open her heart’. And it in turn opens yours because “a man’s heart opens as he succeeds in fulfilling a woman.” Wooing doesn’t mean bullshitting and lying – false praise and a box of chocolates. You’ve got to deliver the real stuff. It helps to know what a woman really wants.

[The Ninth Eternal Law of Marriage:
The pursuit should not cease at the altar]

This next section is the longest in the Course because it aims to fix the basic problem inside you: you just don’t understand women. If you did, you wouldn’t be in this hole. It’s like trying to play a round of golf with no clubs. You can swing all you like, but you won’t score.

More next week....

The sexiest girl I ever met

2005-12-05T19:30:00.000+11:00

The sexiest girl I ever met was Louisa Hayward (pictured). I took this photo of her in October 1972 when she was 18 years old. We were having a picnic at the Rocks Creek on 'Invergowrie', an abandoned sheep farm where I lived. I first met her in the first week of university when she was coming down the stairs in Epsilon Block, Wright College (at the University of New England in Armidale, New South Wales, Australia. She was with a geek from the campus radio station called Steve Kelly (who her mother described as her boyfriend). It was decided among a group of us in the foyer that day that she would look good in the shower. So she went in, screaming. She put up a great fight and looked good all wet. I know now she enjoyed it. The next time I saw her (she had been watching me, among others, and saw me once playing in the College rock band, jumping around like a kangaroo) she was coming thru the Block selling raffle tickets for her basketball team. She was drunk. She used to drink a lot in those days. I was lying on my bed reading a book about the Middle Ages (I remember everything.) She ran in, jumped on me, stuck her tongue down my throat, the ran out. I lay there stunned... I was afraid of women. Then I jumped up and found her in another room, this one filled with guys. She was in her element. With such a sales pitch, no wonder she sold more tickets than any other member of her team. (She told me later I was the only one who got the tongue sandwich treatment. I doubt that. She has always been sexually aggressive and genuinely likes men.) The next time I saw her she was drunk again, in a bar with her teammates after having lost the grand final. I saw her face beaming at me out of the crowd. My housemates and I were billeting a group of Japanese students on the farm and were out showing them the sights of the university town. (Normally we would have stayed home and smoked dope.) I went over to her, we talked some, then I asked her to come to a party with me. It was in a student's house in Beardy Street (the main street, named after the two beardy brothers who showed the early pioneers in the district where the best grazing land could be found). The house was so crowded we just got through the front door and couldn't get any further. We didn't mind. I sat down on the umbrella/hat stand seat (used for taking off boots, etc.) and she sat on my lap. I was asking her questions about herself (amazed that any woman would be interested in me) and she burst out crying, saying between sobs some weird things about her father and her mother's death (both huge emotional scars). Somehow we got her back to her college room and me back to the farm without incident. But the next morning I borrowed my housemate Chris Lloyd's Grey holden ute (64 model) and drove in to the University to see her. I brought her out to the farm (a master stroke because it turns out she is one of only two girls enrolled in the Department of Agricultural Economics) and we spent the afternoon walking across the scrubby paddocks talking and talking and talking. The more we got on the worse I felt because if it came to sex (and in 1972 it always came to sex) I was afraid she would discover my acute premature ejaculation problem, and I'd lose her. I avoided it for so long she started to think I didn't like her. I was the first guy she had met who hadn't go for the fucking as soon as possible. I intrigued her. Porbably a good thing. She terrified me. My best friend Mark Jones had whispered in my ear that night when we met in the bar "Mate, she does it." I thought, Oh no, she does it with everyone. She's (a) likely to be untrue (b) likely to be unclean (c) likely to be experienced and have high expectations. It turns out she had done it with one of the guys in the block and he'd told Mark. But more guys reported they'd done it with her than actually did (sound familiar?) and she wasn't a Runaround Sue. (That came later and I caused it.) My secret dread lasted until we had sex. Before we got down to it I confessed. She was so incredibly loving and kind, that I lasted twice as long as I ever had before. Then she greeted me with the immortal line: "Yes, you should see a doctor about that." (Deflated, but not destroyed, I saw a doctor, who gave me a pill, and everything worked out fine. The pill was a placebo, I discovered. My housemate got the same prescrfription form stomache cramps.) Louisa and I becamed inseperable and had the most amazing summer. I joined my first professional band (Four Way Street, doing Crosby Stills & Nash covers - I had the high voice), we got into marijuana and home baking, we mixed with a sophisticated alternative lifestyle set, and I fell deeply in love with her. I spent the summer holidays with her family in Mt Eliza, Victoria (a swank suburb) glad to have a family that accepted me after my Mother had treated Louisa so shabbily when I took her home to Tamworth NSW (Australia's Nashville). Mom put us in seperate rooms, and in the morning I went in to Louisa's room, climbed on the bed and pulled to doona up over both of us - she was beneath the covers and I was not. Mom came in, saw what she thought was her firstborn son in bed with a whore, and treated my beloved with distain thereafter. I bailed on the family right there. It was the first of many misunderstandings that would pockmark my relationship with Louisa. But I never stopped loving her. She is still that girl on the rock with the apple (my Eve). And in the words Mark Twain put in Adam's mouth: "Where e're she went, there was Eden."

My Business Card

2005-12-01T03:41:00.000+11:00

This is the image I have on my business card - the one I use to introduce myself as author of the book Man Overboard: A Self Defence Course For Men In Marriage. It's my wedding photo.,. Sweet, trusting Louisa gazing with devotion at dumb, moronic Michael who couldn't understand her need for love, her need to feel loved, her need to feel that she was in love all the time. Not a good way to start the next 25 years... The day was 18th November, 1979. Threee years before, almost to the day, sjhe had walked out on me, taking our three month old daughter, and left me for another man who was capable of giving her the love she needed (or so she thought). After a year of agony, I welcomed her back. But still I didn't 'get it'. I was blocked, emotionally unavailable. Twenty five years later - after raising our three children and launching a successful business together, she was preparing to leave me again when I had a dramatic vision, like Paul on the road to Damascus, that cracked me open like a nut. The love flowed out of me like a gushing stream, and in that instant I knew everything about her needs. It devastated me and changed me forever. But was it soon enough to save my marriage? (Read the first posting - the first section of my book - to find out.)

Getting published: a long and winding road

2005-11-24T06:47:00.000+11:00

Since writing the book Man Overboard, I thought publishers would jump at the chance of publioshing it. I have had more than 100 people test read it and give their opinion - and the response has been electric.

The testers indicate that women love it. "It is a validation
of how every woman feels but fails to communicate to her husband." 40 year
old Gold Coast businesswoman. "It spoke to my heart and represented me and
my deepest needs, desires... Just reading it freed something inside of
me." 35 year old woman from North Carolina.

The practical examples of romantinic initatives are endorsed by women: “The moments I remember in my romantic journey were moments like these.” Female marketing director, cultural institution, 38.

Men in crisis love it: Male, 25, MD, digital company, relationship in crisis
"Your book is fantastic... it made me smile, tear, feel uncomfortable,
wonder, think and most importantly learn."

Male, 40+, MD, ad agency, divorced "I've read a lot of these books. When my
marriage was on the rocks I read many of them and foound most of them a
waste of time. Anyway to you book. I like the fact that it's short. I
think too many of the books I read were just filling space because they had
too. Men from Mars is a good example. I also like the quotes you have
scattered through the book. I found myself moved by some of the anecdotes
about your own relationship. I think many American book are not as frank
about how hard this is. Relationships involve a lot of pain and insights are
in my experience hard to come by. You've been pretty frank about how hard
it is and I think that's somewhat comforting. It's a good idea - most books
in this space are too long and a bit idealistic."

Male, 35, Senior Executive, IBM, divorced:"I loved it! I think you have
captured the ‘woman’ side of the story perfectly… that is pretty much the
story I pieced together during my breakup…. There are some great pearls of
wisdom in there… you are definitely onto something, and it’s short enough
that a bloke will actually read it!"

Male 55, CEO communications consultancy: “Where was this when I was being divorced… twice!!”

Other writers love it: “It’s a cracking read (and will be of help in my own life.” Paul Ham, author,” Kakoda”

“You have some fantastic material. You offer a unique perspective that in a way rolls the debate back 50 years, yet is a radical alternative. It will be very controversial which will be good for sales and your profile.” Jill Margo, MEN’SISSUES writer, Australian Financial Review

Finally it checks out with counsellors as valid:

Female, 52, Marriage Guidance Counsellor, divorced: "Started to read your book at work today… very difficult to put it down… found it very informative, funny
at times, but very sad to think we hurt each other so unnecessarily… Robert
is keen to read it… I think women will love what you have to say… your
explanations of relationship patterns are pretty accurate from the female
perspective…"

Still publishers are having trouble coming to terms with it. One told me there was no market for the book. (Amazing.) Most just don't say anything. You can't get to them. Publishers have submission guidelines which you have to follow: send them the manuscript, double-spaced, with a one page synopsis, plus an indication of which market the book will address, and what you will do to market the book. You send tem this and they can take up to 12 months to make a decision. Meanwhile the market shifts and the opportunity is lost.

One publisher called me and said they were interested. But after a long period of consideration they felt my book would not fit the serious tone of the books they normally publish. Another part-time publisher, a friend of mine who was transformed by reading the book, agreed to publish the book, but found his other business interests got in the way.

So I have decided to publish it myself. I am going to a day-long seminar on how to do it. My friend Robyn Henderson is a specialist in the self-publishing field. She advised me to do 2 things: 1. Put a version of the book on sale on the Net. (I have already written the sales pitch for the Net sales site.) 2. Send a flyer to all the people who have read it to date and all my contacts, inviting them to put in an advance order for $25 a copy. If I can get 200 orders, that's enough to start the printing presses rolling.

Meanwhile my friend Ramin Marzbani - who asked me to write the book in the first place - is an investor and he ahs agreed to finance the book and the workshop series which I want to run to help men whose relaitonships are in crisis.

So it's all systems go. My friend Martin Kane, a terrific art director that I have worked with sincec the late 1980s, is designing the cover. And I have to do the final edit before handing it over to Linda, my friend Simon's partner, who is an editor of a women's magazine. She has offered to edit the book.

It's a real community effort. All these people believe in the book, believe it will do a lot of people a lot of good. My mission is to cut the divorce rate in two within 10 years.

I will send the manuscript to anyone who wishes to read it: email me at michael@newhorizon.au.com