Danger: Menopause
Louisa and I enjoyed a new show at Star City last night: "Menopause: The Musical". It's a light-hearted look at the serious business of "change of life" for women. It is important for men to understand menopause because it can lead to the divorce courts, literally. Why?
One of the key danger zones for a marriage arrives at around the 25th anniversary. The children have left the nest and the woman looks at the man and says to herself "Now, what about me? What is my life about? Who am I? And who is this person?" If the woman hasn't developed a strong sense of her own identity during the 'mothering' years, now is when she will attempt to 'find myself'. Many men have heard this as the explanation for why she is leaving, as she is walking out the door.
Building a strong, constantly-renewing love affair with your wife during the mothering years can do 2 things to avoid this outcome: 1. It gives her a reason to stay with you after the kids leave. 2. It helps her stay in touch with her own identity and self worth instead of being buried under a landslide of roles such as mother, wife, etc.
Menopause doesn't cause women to leave at aorund 25 years. But it can supercharge the process. Women report the following symptoms: mood swings, confusion, forgetfulness, depression, sleeplessness, loss of interest in sex, and the like. These can put an even greater gap between a husband and a wife than exists normally (in a normal dysfunctional marriage). She doesn't understand what's happening and he retreats into the cave. No open discussion takes place. Menopause can be a frightful experience - night sweats and hot flushes. What makes it dangerous for a marriage is that it is the process whereby a woman's body ceases to be a vehicle for fertility and reproduction, a process which for many, if not most women, subconsciously defined the person's identity since the day she started cycling (not on a bicycle). When a person's self image and identity is undermined and shattered, a new identity must emerge. In this process the woman can find herself looking at a man who is no longer relevant. He is expecting the same service - domestic and sexual, little suspecting the body is still there, but the mind and spirit have changed. She's a newly-emerged personality.
A husband who is closely engaged with his wife emotionally and is communicating with her at a high level of intimacy will not be blindsided by menopause. She will feel free talking about it and will seek his support and understanding. There may need to be negotiation about sex. For some women interest never returns. He will be loving and supportive. Ideally she should be as comfortable talking to you about these issues as she would with a girlfriend.
Louisa and I have been through the experience - it coincided with her decision to leave me just prior to my "epiphany" which shook my soul and opened up my eyes just in time to save my marriage. Lucky for both of us, Louisa's symptoms were not as severe or as long-lasting as some womens' are -- due, I believe, to Louisa's natural comfort level and connectedness with her body, but also to our open discussion about the process and the support I gave her. I believe a husband can help reduce the severity of symptoms of manopause by dosing his wife with extraordinary amounts of love and understanding.
More than ever she needs to feel loved, attractive, appreciated for who she is rather than the roles she plays. Extra attentiveness is the key.
Which leads us back to the 2 things women want most from their men: intimacy and attentiveness. I you are routinely delivering these two fundamental 'ticket to the dance' requirements, you should sail through menopause.
If you aren't, look out!
One of the key danger zones for a marriage arrives at around the 25th anniversary. The children have left the nest and the woman looks at the man and says to herself "Now, what about me? What is my life about? Who am I? And who is this person?" If the woman hasn't developed a strong sense of her own identity during the 'mothering' years, now is when she will attempt to 'find myself'. Many men have heard this as the explanation for why she is leaving, as she is walking out the door.
Building a strong, constantly-renewing love affair with your wife during the mothering years can do 2 things to avoid this outcome: 1. It gives her a reason to stay with you after the kids leave. 2. It helps her stay in touch with her own identity and self worth instead of being buried under a landslide of roles such as mother, wife, etc.
Menopause doesn't cause women to leave at aorund 25 years. But it can supercharge the process. Women report the following symptoms: mood swings, confusion, forgetfulness, depression, sleeplessness, loss of interest in sex, and the like. These can put an even greater gap between a husband and a wife than exists normally (in a normal dysfunctional marriage). She doesn't understand what's happening and he retreats into the cave. No open discussion takes place. Menopause can be a frightful experience - night sweats and hot flushes. What makes it dangerous for a marriage is that it is the process whereby a woman's body ceases to be a vehicle for fertility and reproduction, a process which for many, if not most women, subconsciously defined the person's identity since the day she started cycling (not on a bicycle). When a person's self image and identity is undermined and shattered, a new identity must emerge. In this process the woman can find herself looking at a man who is no longer relevant. He is expecting the same service - domestic and sexual, little suspecting the body is still there, but the mind and spirit have changed. She's a newly-emerged personality.
A husband who is closely engaged with his wife emotionally and is communicating with her at a high level of intimacy will not be blindsided by menopause. She will feel free talking about it and will seek his support and understanding. There may need to be negotiation about sex. For some women interest never returns. He will be loving and supportive. Ideally she should be as comfortable talking to you about these issues as she would with a girlfriend.
Louisa and I have been through the experience - it coincided with her decision to leave me just prior to my "epiphany" which shook my soul and opened up my eyes just in time to save my marriage. Lucky for both of us, Louisa's symptoms were not as severe or as long-lasting as some womens' are -- due, I believe, to Louisa's natural comfort level and connectedness with her body, but also to our open discussion about the process and the support I gave her. I believe a husband can help reduce the severity of symptoms of manopause by dosing his wife with extraordinary amounts of love and understanding.
More than ever she needs to feel loved, attractive, appreciated for who she is rather than the roles she plays. Extra attentiveness is the key.
Which leads us back to the 2 things women want most from their men: intimacy and attentiveness. I you are routinely delivering these two fundamental 'ticket to the dance' requirements, you should sail through menopause.
If you aren't, look out!
posted by Michael Kiely at 3:22 am
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1 Comments:
Michael,
This is a terrific blog, and equally beneficial for men and women. I found it via a link from a mutual friend.
I just want to add, that many women, like myself, have the opposite response to menopause. I went into menopausal zest, I am fitter, more vital, healthier and positive than I have been at any point in my life. I am also constantly thinking of sex. I am worse than the randiest teenager!
I still "cycle" - yes a bike! and recently completed a 105km charity ride. When I went to your wedding all those years ago in Armidale I probably could not have ridden more than 15km!
Maureen
P.S. The Kahlil Gibran quote on love were my wedding vows 26 years ago, I'm now separated because I was confined to the shade of the tree.
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