"You don't give me roses anymore..."

This email was passed onto me by Rob Koch from Man Overboard Menswear in Cairns. The sender, who shall remain anonymous, is a man in deep distress. Read on...

Hi Michael

I have just started reading your draft which I got off the Fatherhood website. I thought I would start an email to you and comment on the book as I read through it. I really have not gotten into the guts of the book, but my relationship with my wife over the last few weeks has soured terribly...so I have just made some comments on my marriage below. I really need help. I don't know what to do...

I am fully aware of the awful rift in our marriage because my wife is not backward in telling me there is a problem

My wife thinks I do not love her because I will not correct her when she tells me she thinks I do not love her

I get awfully confused over feeling and thinking

Do I feel I love my wife...not really - don't know...

Do I think I love my wife...yes I do...

I hate talking deep and meaningful with C because it just seems to end up in an argument. I have deep feelings of remorse and guilt and get very depressed and have these overwhelming feelings that the whole marriage is just not going to work.. I simply want things to be right again, but there are years of baggage or layers upon layers in our relationship that need resolving.

On 14/2 we did not even acknowledge it was Valentine's Day to each other; she just made me feel worse because she had been down the street and commented on lots of people doing Valentine's stuff.

Today (16/2) we barely talked. I just do not want to talk because it is usually awful. It all feels it is getting a bit desperate.

In the end I feel it is just not meant to be. Yet neither of us want to separate or move out...

(name supplied)

............

My response was this:

Dear (name),

My email address is michael@newhorizon.au.com

Your problem: Buddy, you are not alone. I talk to hundreds of men in the same boat. SO don’t feel like a goose. It’s happening everywhere.

Point 2: stop struggling with her. Declare a unilateral turce and simply give up the fight. Take whatever she dishes out but don’t respond.

Point 3: forgive her. She only wants to be loved and feel secure in your love. Go and buy 2 dozen long stemmed roses and give them to her and say “I wanted to give these to you on Valentine’s Day but I was afraid. I don’t know why. I’m afraid that I’m losing you. And I love you....”

Speak your heart. Fearlessly. Take big risks. Wear the consequences.

Point 4: Read the book. Now. Don’t stop til you’ve finished it.

God will support you. “Act boldly ands might forces will come to your aid.”

Let me know how you get on.

Michael