Marissa's Story: A kick in the groin?
This email was sent to me by Marissa in response to a post dated 7/2/06 "The moment of terror that lasted 30 years". Marissa kindly gave me permission to post it here as it is... My advice to her follows at the end.
....................
I read Michael Kiely's account of his "terrifying" feelings of marriage after realising the gravity of the commitment he had made and thought about the question he asks: "Is this a psychological condition that people go through? Should marriage carry a warning label?".
I am not sure that anyone can answer such a question as a generalisation, and still make it meaningful to the reader. For my part, I was certain I wanted to marry my now ex-husband - never an ounce of doubt. I did not marry with any ideal or illusion that life would forever be perfect, because it didn't have to be to meet my needs. I knew all of his "baggage" and he knew mine. I was happy to accept eveything about him even when things began to go horribly wrong. We married in 1989 but formally broke up in early 2004…
In my marriage, I can only lament that he never felt the need to be faithful or at least honest about his discomfort with, or desire to leave the marriage.
Having said this, it was not until I left our home (most reluctantly!) and performed an autopsy on "what happened" that I realised the indicators were always there that he wasn't sure at all - not about me, but about himself.
For example, he revealed to a close friend that he first became concerned that he married "the wrong woman" after I had played the 5c pokie machines during our honeymoon trip…
Retrospectively, I believe in his own strange way he "loved" me, but only married me because there was pressure amongst his peers to move out and settle down. However, unlike our marriage, his peers stayed faithful and devoted to their families, so much so, it deeply hurt his best friends to know of his infidelity and deceit.
In fact, on some pressure from me and in a rare moment of honesty when he finally revealed his disatisfaction with his life, much to my relief, I featured at the bottom of a list of some seven issues of angst and frustration, which included his job, house, car, income, unfulfilled career expectations, etc... By way of example, the three things he claimed to most "hate" about me were: 1) I wiped my 'hands on the tea towel'; 2) I had 'good communication skills' and that 3) we would 'argue every six months'. Foolishly, I saw these things as somewhat of a "positive" or "successful" marriage myself, but go figure!
After the second reason given for his misery in the marriage, I was left with almost nowhere to go in terms of trying to improve myself and trying to make things better for him; even though by then I had stopped wiping my hands on the tea towels and decided to stop challenging his views and wishes on almost anything - letting him have his way. Of course, that made him no happier!
Despite my last-ditch bid to save the marriage over some 5 years, it proved entirely futile to that end. I now know nothing could have saved it because our breakup was not really about me. Having said that, I do believe I am a better person for having tried, even though in many respects I have set myself back at least five years, career-wise and financially.
However, had I not made every effort at that critical time, I would now be living with more regret than I would care to be burdened with. Equally, I would have made more foolish, hasty and ill-considered decisions based on anger, spite and hurt rather than the love and respect I want to be able to feel for him for the sake of our kids, as much as any other reasons.
I would urge any reader who is currently facing the hard decision of "Do I stick-it-out or do I end the relationship?", to do the former, and to stick-it-out for as long as possible. Use that as an opportunity to look at yourself and how to bring out the best in the other person through your own personal development, if that is at all possible. Forget trying to change the other person first. That never works for very long.
Work on "non-violent acts of love", guided by forgiveness, patience and
compassion (corny as that sounds) and, above all, always keep the lines of communication open and non-threatening (and, boy, can that be trying and difficult!). It was advice given to me by several dear friends and worthy advice I heeded and never regretted. Of course, it's always easier said than done - but therein lies the challenge. {If you don't know what I am referring to, read Martin Luther King, Ghandi and Nelson Mandela's worksand apply it to your home situation - no matter how troubled or dysfunctional.}
One day, after coming home and being given a box of chocolates for a special occasion by my husband, I was most hurt to find he had shared the entire box of chocolates with friends, and I missed out on even one.
However, this was just one in a long series of upsetting things that week which I had noted from him and I really didn't care about the chocolates anyway. More, what I believed to be a deliberate act of calousness or carelessness on his part. I was so angry and offended by his behaviour, I spent three days carefully "psyching myself up" and working on what my "act of love" response would be, even though I was quite convinced he did not deserve it. Nonetheless, as it was a personal undertaking I had every intention to follow through with that promise to myself.
So I organised a special Mexican dinner - his absolute favourite! I phoned him to arrange the menu, shopped for the ingredients, set the table, cooked it to perfection and he ate it with relish. I made dinner a most genuinely pleasant occasion from my part. I even got thanked for it, which was a bonus, lame as that sounds...
However, it was not long before another incident erupted where again I was left feeling rejected and he knew how offensive his behaviour was (I don't even recall the detail of it now). After bursting into tears, I confronted him and asked, "Have you not noticed that every time you do something hurtful, I respond with something kind?". His answer was "No!", which only added to my hurt. I then pointed out that I had been practicing my "non-violent" responses to his every slight or rejection of me for over two years, at that stage, but that my kindness was never being noticed and that this left me feeling my efforts were totally in vain... I am certain that had he tried "non-violent actsof love" he might have genuinely felt some along the way (ie. "do the actions first, the feelings come later").
In the end, I can honestly say I didn't "give up" on my marriage (although I felt guilty about it for a long time). Rather, I only gave him what he really wanted - his freedom from remaining married.
I would, however, like to believe that my promise to "act out of love" is something I will continue to work on now in my dealings with everyone who really challenges my opinion of them and my patience.
.........
MY RESPONSE (NOW):
I think you got the message of my book wrong, Marissa. "Non-violent acts of love" is how males should react to female behaviour. If your ex was as screwed up as you say, you owed it to him to commit some violent acts of love on him to shake him up, like a kick in the groin. You see, men are so stupid when it comes to women and love. IS this man happily enjoying his freedom? No, he's bloody miserable.
MY RESPONSE (WHEN I FIRST RECEIVED THIS EMAIL):
I am very touched by the story of the "passion" of your marriage. (Passion in the sense of suffering for love.) I know the dimensions of your anguish, although I can never know how badly you were hurt.
If only we can get some meaning from what appears to be futile suffering. If it is meant to be, someone tell me why. Why were your loving responses rebuffed and ignored?
Infidelity is a cry for help, like shoplifting and many failed suicide attempts. You (ex)husband sounds like he has got a lot of growing to do. The petty irritations mask a deeper wellspring of fear.
I'll pray that love triumphs in your situation, as it must. The solution to every situation lies in the infinite possibilities that arrive on our doorstep with every new day.
MY PREFERREDRESPONSE: The kick in the groin.
....................
I read Michael Kiely's account of his "terrifying" feelings of marriage after realising the gravity of the commitment he had made and thought about the question he asks: "Is this a psychological condition that people go through? Should marriage carry a warning label?".
I am not sure that anyone can answer such a question as a generalisation, and still make it meaningful to the reader. For my part, I was certain I wanted to marry my now ex-husband - never an ounce of doubt. I did not marry with any ideal or illusion that life would forever be perfect, because it didn't have to be to meet my needs. I knew all of his "baggage" and he knew mine. I was happy to accept eveything about him even when things began to go horribly wrong. We married in 1989 but formally broke up in early 2004…
In my marriage, I can only lament that he never felt the need to be faithful or at least honest about his discomfort with, or desire to leave the marriage.
Having said this, it was not until I left our home (most reluctantly!) and performed an autopsy on "what happened" that I realised the indicators were always there that he wasn't sure at all - not about me, but about himself.
For example, he revealed to a close friend that he first became concerned that he married "the wrong woman" after I had played the 5c pokie machines during our honeymoon trip…
Retrospectively, I believe in his own strange way he "loved" me, but only married me because there was pressure amongst his peers to move out and settle down. However, unlike our marriage, his peers stayed faithful and devoted to their families, so much so, it deeply hurt his best friends to know of his infidelity and deceit.
In fact, on some pressure from me and in a rare moment of honesty when he finally revealed his disatisfaction with his life, much to my relief, I featured at the bottom of a list of some seven issues of angst and frustration, which included his job, house, car, income, unfulfilled career expectations, etc... By way of example, the three things he claimed to most "hate" about me were: 1) I wiped my 'hands on the tea towel'; 2) I had 'good communication skills' and that 3) we would 'argue every six months'. Foolishly, I saw these things as somewhat of a "positive" or "successful" marriage myself, but go figure!
After the second reason given for his misery in the marriage, I was left with almost nowhere to go in terms of trying to improve myself and trying to make things better for him; even though by then I had stopped wiping my hands on the tea towels and decided to stop challenging his views and wishes on almost anything - letting him have his way. Of course, that made him no happier!
Despite my last-ditch bid to save the marriage over some 5 years, it proved entirely futile to that end. I now know nothing could have saved it because our breakup was not really about me. Having said that, I do believe I am a better person for having tried, even though in many respects I have set myself back at least five years, career-wise and financially.
However, had I not made every effort at that critical time, I would now be living with more regret than I would care to be burdened with. Equally, I would have made more foolish, hasty and ill-considered decisions based on anger, spite and hurt rather than the love and respect I want to be able to feel for him for the sake of our kids, as much as any other reasons.
I would urge any reader who is currently facing the hard decision of "Do I stick-it-out or do I end the relationship?", to do the former, and to stick-it-out for as long as possible. Use that as an opportunity to look at yourself and how to bring out the best in the other person through your own personal development, if that is at all possible. Forget trying to change the other person first. That never works for very long.
Work on "non-violent acts of love", guided by forgiveness, patience and
compassion (corny as that sounds) and, above all, always keep the lines of communication open and non-threatening (and, boy, can that be trying and difficult!). It was advice given to me by several dear friends and worthy advice I heeded and never regretted. Of course, it's always easier said than done - but therein lies the challenge. {If you don't know what I am referring to, read Martin Luther King, Ghandi and Nelson Mandela's worksand apply it to your home situation - no matter how troubled or dysfunctional.}
One day, after coming home and being given a box of chocolates for a special occasion by my husband, I was most hurt to find he had shared the entire box of chocolates with friends, and I missed out on even one.
However, this was just one in a long series of upsetting things that week which I had noted from him and I really didn't care about the chocolates anyway. More, what I believed to be a deliberate act of calousness or carelessness on his part. I was so angry and offended by his behaviour, I spent three days carefully "psyching myself up" and working on what my "act of love" response would be, even though I was quite convinced he did not deserve it. Nonetheless, as it was a personal undertaking I had every intention to follow through with that promise to myself.
So I organised a special Mexican dinner - his absolute favourite! I phoned him to arrange the menu, shopped for the ingredients, set the table, cooked it to perfection and he ate it with relish. I made dinner a most genuinely pleasant occasion from my part. I even got thanked for it, which was a bonus, lame as that sounds...
However, it was not long before another incident erupted where again I was left feeling rejected and he knew how offensive his behaviour was (I don't even recall the detail of it now). After bursting into tears, I confronted him and asked, "Have you not noticed that every time you do something hurtful, I respond with something kind?". His answer was "No!", which only added to my hurt. I then pointed out that I had been practicing my "non-violent" responses to his every slight or rejection of me for over two years, at that stage, but that my kindness was never being noticed and that this left me feeling my efforts were totally in vain... I am certain that had he tried "non-violent actsof love" he might have genuinely felt some along the way (ie. "do the actions first, the feelings come later").
In the end, I can honestly say I didn't "give up" on my marriage (although I felt guilty about it for a long time). Rather, I only gave him what he really wanted - his freedom from remaining married.
I would, however, like to believe that my promise to "act out of love" is something I will continue to work on now in my dealings with everyone who really challenges my opinion of them and my patience.
.........
MY RESPONSE (NOW):
I think you got the message of my book wrong, Marissa. "Non-violent acts of love" is how males should react to female behaviour. If your ex was as screwed up as you say, you owed it to him to commit some violent acts of love on him to shake him up, like a kick in the groin. You see, men are so stupid when it comes to women and love. IS this man happily enjoying his freedom? No, he's bloody miserable.
MY RESPONSE (WHEN I FIRST RECEIVED THIS EMAIL):
I am very touched by the story of the "passion" of your marriage. (Passion in the sense of suffering for love.) I know the dimensions of your anguish, although I can never know how badly you were hurt.
If only we can get some meaning from what appears to be futile suffering. If it is meant to be, someone tell me why. Why were your loving responses rebuffed and ignored?
Infidelity is a cry for help, like shoplifting and many failed suicide attempts. You (ex)husband sounds like he has got a lot of growing to do. The petty irritations mask a deeper wellspring of fear.
I'll pray that love triumphs in your situation, as it must. The solution to every situation lies in the infinite possibilities that arrive on our doorstep with every new day.
MY PREFERREDRESPONSE: The kick in the groin.
posted by Michael Kiely at 3:22 am
Buy your Self Defence Guide to Marriage now!
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