12 stolen ideas

When I went into my ‘love frenzy’, trying to woo the pants (literally) off my wife, I looked hard in bookshops, libraries and on the Net for a handbook of ideas – little cunning stunts you can pull that say “I Love You” in different, unexpected ways. But there was none available at the time – until the next year when Penguin brought out a little book called Hopeless Romantic: A Romance Manual For Men by Oliver Green and Matthew Keon. For less than $10 I got hundreds of wacky ideas – some of them too wacky for me, but good for starting your own thoughts.

The authors have a simple formula: E+C=R. Effort + Creativity = Romance. You provide the effort, they provide the creativity and you enjoy the fruits of romance.

Here are some of their ideas that I stole from their book:

1. Hide gifts, tickets to shows, etc. inside the book she is currently reading.
2. Have gifts delivered to her at home or at work in big boxes via courier.
3. Send her things through the mail, the old fashioned way. So few people do it.
4. SMS a message to her while you are at dinner. Key the message in while at the toilet, but don’t press send until you’re sitting across from her again. Eg. “I’m looking at the most beautiful girl in the world right now.”
5. Leave tickets, gifts, etc. in the glove compartment of her car.
6. Leave a love message inside the petrol compartment of her car.
7. Write a love message on the footpath somewhere she will see it, in chalk.
8. Write a message in hair gel on the mirror in the bathroom – it will become visible next time she showers. Refer to the beautiful person looking in the mirror.
9. Go to her place of work. Kiss her once, then leave.
10. Ring and say something loving, then hang up.
11. If you have a ceiling fan above the bed, clean the blades and sprinkle flower petals on them so that next time she turns it on she’ll be showered with love.
12. Arrive at her place of work with her bag packed and ready for a romantic weekend she doesn’t know about. They whisk her away for a fun-filled, mystery weekend.

Have you got the guts to do this?

• POETRY – You don’t have to be a poet to write poetry; you just need to be inspired by the subject. Poetry doesn’t even have to rhyme. Make the words heartfelt. If you can’t get started, get hold of a book of love poetry and use it for ideas. Or simply copy out one that appeals and give it to her. She won’t mind if it’s not your original work. It’s the feelings that count. Read what you have written out to her when you are alone.

Have you got the guts to do this?

Little attentions, big results

• LITTLE ATTENTIONS – A hundred small things make up the big message of love. Make the first thing you do when you get home to find her and kiss her/hug her/whatever. It reminds her she is #1. Remember to ask her about things she was planning to do during the day, to show you care. If you can, spend 20 minutes talking with her, making contact after the day, before turning to other things you want to do. Give her your full attention during these grounding sessions. She will feel heard and love you for it. It’s a form of foreplay. At other times, when she talks to you, try to give her your attention – even say “I’m listening” to drive the point home. Be on the lookout for signs she is tired or upset and ask her what’s wrong. Hug her several times each day for no reason. Touch her in non-sexual ways often, so she doesn’t feel every caress has to be about sex. Tell her “I love you” randomly throughout the day – call and leave the message on her voice mail. Show affection for her in public. Always pay more attention to her than others in public or at functions and parties. Hold her hand. Open the door for her. Look her in the eyes when talking to her. Ask her how she’s feeling. Make a fire or put on the heater in cold weather. (A primal male thing to do for a woman and she’ll love it.) Shower before sex. Leave the toilet seat down. Make the bed. Replace light bulbs promptly. Plan ‘dates’ several days ahead instead of at the last minute. Call when you’re going to be late. Take over some of her chores when she is tired. Take her for a walk. Compliment her for her hair or what she’s wearing.

"Try praising your wife, even if it does frighten her at first," said Billy Sunday.

Total Love Attack Continued

Here's another little idea with big returns:

• LITTLE SOMETHINGS - I was at a loss what to do after running out of ideas of ways to surprise my wife with love tokens, when the words of a wonderful man I met through business came ringing back to me. John Ashe has smiled all the way through two marriages (both successful) and a bevy of daughters. He said “I always have a little something in my pocket for them when I come home.” Louisa likes a particular brand of chewing gum and so I’ll pick that up for her occasionally. I need to become more expert in the Ashe Method. It is plainly brilliant. It costs little to say “I thought about you today.”

Even more sure fire tactics of love

• BUTLER - My son’s very beautiful and very observant girlfriend pointed out to my wife that I have become her butler. I make it a practice to bring her a cup of tea in bed in the mornings, and slice some fruit if we have any fresh, or juice some vegetables, whatever is available. I make her favourite poached eggs once or twice a week. And I have learned how to cook her favourite dish: lamb roast. I consciously put myself out to fetch things for her when I see her about to get up and get them for herself. I do it because I enjoy it and it feels good. And it is part of my “walking the talk” strategy. I stumbled onto it by sheer luck. My wife tripped and damaged her sciatic nerve, soon after my conversion. She was bed ridden for a week and needed to be chauffeured everywhere. I became her arms and legs for a few weeks, a good start for my campaign to win her heart.

• MASSAGE – This is the best relationship mender I can think of. It started for us when my wife’s damaged sciatic nerve left her in great pain. And has continued ever since. Feet, calves, thighs, buttocks, back, shoulders, neck, arms, hands, and that’s it. One rule: no sex afterwards unless she initiates it. It is not a trade for sex. She must feel no pressure, so she can enjoy the massage completely relaxed throughout. This might seem hard on the male masseur, but I find the joy of touching her body satisfying in itself. The physical closeness is what sex is mainly about. Fixation on orgasm is blocking lovers from the full enjoyment of sex, anyway. Sex catches up to you eventually and it is better for the wait. And what better way to demonstrate your love than by denying yourself the most basic urge. She knows what it means. I massage her twice or three times a week. I tell her what a privilege it is and how I get as much from it as she does. It won’t work if she feels guilty. You might have trouble getting her to agree at first. Keep trying. Start with only a foot massage. As she grows to trust you, it will develop.

We got a distribution deal!

Australia's biggest independent book distributor has agreed to handle Man Overboard. Thanks to Warwick Marsh at the Fatherhood Foundation who gave me the contact at Woods Lane Distributors. We have been sent a contract and we are ready to press the button and hope that the Good Lord knows where the $10,000 we need to print and promote the book will come from, because I have no idea.

More fun ways to say "I love you"

• BUTLER - My son’s very beautiful and very observant girlfriend pointed out to my wife that I have become her butler. I make it a practice to bring her a cup of tea in bed in the mornings, and slice some fruit if we have any fresh, or juice some vegetables, whatever is available. I make her favourite poached eggs once or twice a week. And I have learned how to cook her favourite dish: lamb roast. I consciously put myself out to fetch things for her when I see her about to get up and get them for herself. I do it because I enjoy it and it feels good. And it is part of my “walking the talk” strategy. I stumbled onto it by sheer luck. My wife tripped and damaged her sciatic nerve, soon after my conversion. She was bed ridden for a week and needed to be chauffeured everywhere. I became her arms and legs for a few weeks, a good start for my campaign to win her heart.

• MASSAGE – This is the best relationship mender I can think of. It started for us when my wife’s damaged sciatic nerve left her in great pain. And has continued ever since. Feet, calves, thighs, buttocks, back, shoulders, neck, arms, hands, and that’s it. One rule: no sex afterwards unless she initiates it. It is not a trade for sex. She must feel no pressure, so she can enjoy the massage completely relaxed throughout. This might seem hard on the male masseur, but I find the joy of touching her body satisfying in itself. The physical closeness is what sex is mainly about. Fixation on orgasm is blocking lovers from the full enjoyment of sex, anyway. Sex catches up to you eventually and it is better for the wait. And what better way to demonstrate your love than by denying yourself the most basic urge. She knows what it means. I massage her twice or three times a week. I tell her what a privilege it is and how I get as much from it as she does. It won’t work if she feels guilty. You might have trouble getting her to agree at first. Keep trying. Start with only a foot massage. As she grows to trust you, it will develop.

More "Total Love Attack" tactics

• A BOTTLE OF SOMETHING –I was given a bottle of Grange as a gift. I usually regift something like that to someone who will appreciate it more than me. But I don’t do that no more, buddy. I took the last one away us on a weekend jaunt, opened it secretly while she was serving hamburgers and produced it with a flourish to her squeals of delight mixed with protests about the cost (not too much of the protest, though). This was following up an earlier surprise of a bottle of French champagne I snaffled from somewhere (another gift). The result: delirium. A six over the Members’ Stand and out of the ground.

• TIME – Spend time with her simply talking about anything. Be available. Come out of your cave. I read to her from books of love poetry. (WHOA! I can hear you shout. You don’t have to do anything I do. But my friend, it does the trick.) I like spending time with my wife. Once a wife sees that, she will be more willing to let me have my time.

How to say "I Love You" everyday

Love is not something you feel. It's something you do, according to someone called David Wilkerson, and I agree with him.
You "do" love when you put yourslef out for the loved one. Sacrifice your time for them.
You also 'do' love by little signals...

Continuing my list of tactics for a total love attack:

• VOICE MAIL MESSAGES – I impersonate imaginary lovers calling my wife and conspiring to meet her behind my back. I put on accents and make impassioned pleas for her favours. It’s fun.

• YELLOW STICKY PADS – When I am going away for a few days on business, I sometimes go through the house with a little pad of sticky yellow notepaper and a black texta pen and leave variations on the theme “I Love You” in places she’ll find as the days wear on. In the freezer, under her pillow, on the bathroom mirror, in among her underwear, in her handbag, above the door so she won’t see it until she turns to leave the room, high up on the wall in a place I risk breaking my neck to reach. (Girls scream disapproval while you’re taking risks, but love it when the feat is complete.) I put one in the oven that she didn’t find until it nearly burst into flames when she turned it on without checking. Filled the kitchen with smoke. Laugh? Well, eventually she did.