The insight of Sarah

Dear Michael,

I printed off The Man Overboard manuscript and while I was out at a meeting, my wife Sarah (who is a book editor and cannot resist perusing a manuscript) found it on my desk and did a speed read.She thinks you are wonderful.She thinks you are funny.She thinks you have a best seller.She thinks I should read it.Not sure it is a good idea her reading it before me ,so I better get stuck in!

Will come back with my thoughts.

(name)

"The man has the power in a relationship"

"The man has the power in a relation-ship," says Malcolm Pryor. "Very few women will leave a man who loves them properly."

Malcolm told me these fantastic, true words yesterday on the telephone while giving me his corrections to the text of Man Overboard which is soon to go to the printer. I have included his quotation in the text because it says precisely what I mean.

Malcolm also pointed out to me what he calls one of the most important lines in the book, where I say:

"A woman doesn't love you because you can beat her in an argument."

Malcolm, a professional proof-reader in a former life (For the literal, I don't mean he has been reincarnated) volunteered to pass on his corrections when he read the manuscript. I am very blessed to have so many helpers appear from nowhere, like so many angels... Thank you, Malcolm.

FREE! THE FULL TEXT OF MAN OVERBOARD: A SELF DEFENCE COURSE FOR MEN IN MARRIAGE IS AVAILABLE FREE IN THE FIRST POST OF THIS BLOG (SEPTEMBER 2005)

Hallelulia! Another man's ears are opened!

THE FULL TEXT OF THE BOOK MAN OVERBOARD: A SELF DEFENCE COURSE FOR MEN IN MARRIAGE IS AVAILABLE FREE IN THE FIRST POST OF THIS BLOG (SEPTEMBER 2005)

G'day Michael

Thank you for your book. I thoroughly enjoyed it. I don’t tend to read many novels, but self help books are good.I read this book in less than a week. I just couldn’t put it down! I found it very easy to read.
I read the book without my wife’s knowledge and went about using some of the strategies you mentioned, and they worked.
I can relate to what you said, and I woke up to what my wife was really saying, and our relationship has improved.
I have recommended my mates read this book.
Thankyou

Regards

(name)

Marriage: like being hit by a Mack truck

A note of thanks from a man of courage...

Michael,

Thanks for the manuscript and have been reading it during my lunch
breaks. Its truly inspiring.
My life has mirrored yours to some extent. I was married for nearly
fifteen years at the time and I knew not every thing was great. So one
night in bed I sat up and asked my wife what was wrong. She sat up and
said that she stilled loved me but did not want to live with me any
more. Being hit by a Mack truck could not have hurt more. All the
questions that flooded my mind.... how could I live with out her, the
kids(2),would they be calling some one else dad, who would live with
who, was there an affair(there was), what had I done that was so wrong
etc etc.
We actually held the marriage together with a lot of sole searching and
talking and the fact that I would not let go. As it turns out I was
doing some of the things in the book but if I had seen this book to read
then, I'm sure we would have been back on track sooner. It took about 18
months before happy families again. I have read some books on the
subject. Of these I found Steven Covey's book Seven habit of highly
effective Families the best but it did not hit on purely the husband and
wife relationship, more the family situation. Our marriage now (5 years
on) is still good but now it's going to be great. I have used some of
the thing written about in the book since getting it over a week ago and
things have never been better.
There is the old saying "If the wife is happy, life's happy" Now I know
why. This book should be an attachment to any marriage certificate and
may be the divorce rate might be reduced.
In the preface you mentioned Ramin who was planning workshops?? Is this
a work shop for the contents of this book. It occurred to me while
reading the book that it could so easily be turned into a quick 3 hour
work shop for men or packaged so that it could be a self help package
distributed via councillors, help groups, churches,etc. Not as a book
but self help cards with main points and a brief exercise that follows.
Just a thought... God knows how many men need it........

Thanks again for sharing this with us,
Regards

Bill

(Image from www.bobyoungprints.com)

Words that wound, words that heal

My friend Mike Connor,, recently retired, sent me this news item:

Marital Diss

A sharp-tongued spouse can keep injuries from healing, according gto a study of married couples who were given small wounds and told to talk supportively or argue. This who argued to on averaged 20% longeer to heal.

I am always wrong

Some readers might think I'm a feminist, weak, sucker-up-to-women type of guy because I insist men are to blame for the state of their relationships. I do think that. But I don't think men get a fair go. Society is biassed against men and boys. That's a given. It's up to men to lead society out of this hole. Not cajole and threaten and force it out. "Lead", which means to inspire, to motivate, to encourage and reward.

Just to prove I'm not putting you on about the "men are disadvantaged' stuff, here are the lyrics of a song I wrote last year. It's played in a bluegrass, appalachian mountain style.

I’m Always Wrong

As a young man I discovered one important fact
Boys and girls are different in the way they think and act
Schoolteachers will tell you boys are dumb and girls are bright
My teachers taught me I was hardly ever right

My mother taught me early to expect to be corrected
She prepared me for a lifetime living as directed
I found a girl whose love soon had me bound and gagged
Guess I was blessed to find a girl who cares enough to nag

CHORUS
If you’re a male go straight to jail
Do not pass go do not collect $200 dollars
It’s the game, it’s been the same
Since Adam was a scholar
To change the game you’d have to change the world
You can only hope next time you come back as a girl

My son asked me secretly one day when I was home
Dad if I’m out there in the bush and I’m all alone
Will I still be wrong if there’s no woman I can see
I said son I’m always wrong it’s no use asking me

CHORUS
SECOND CHORUS
No matter if you are at work, at school or if you are at home
You start behind the eightball with a Y chromosome
No matter what you do the disapproval will be strong
All the women in your life will let you know you’re wrong

Copyright Michael Kiely 2005

Now doesn't that make you feel better?

"You don't give me roses anymore..."

This email was passed onto me by Rob Koch from Man Overboard Menswear in Cairns. The sender, who shall remain anonymous, is a man in deep distress. Read on...

Hi Michael

I have just started reading your draft which I got off the Fatherhood website. I thought I would start an email to you and comment on the book as I read through it. I really have not gotten into the guts of the book, but my relationship with my wife over the last few weeks has soured terribly...so I have just made some comments on my marriage below. I really need help. I don't know what to do...

I am fully aware of the awful rift in our marriage because my wife is not backward in telling me there is a problem

My wife thinks I do not love her because I will not correct her when she tells me she thinks I do not love her

I get awfully confused over feeling and thinking

Do I feel I love my wife...not really - don't know...

Do I think I love my wife...yes I do...

I hate talking deep and meaningful with C because it just seems to end up in an argument. I have deep feelings of remorse and guilt and get very depressed and have these overwhelming feelings that the whole marriage is just not going to work.. I simply want things to be right again, but there are years of baggage or layers upon layers in our relationship that need resolving.

On 14/2 we did not even acknowledge it was Valentine's Day to each other; she just made me feel worse because she had been down the street and commented on lots of people doing Valentine's stuff.

Today (16/2) we barely talked. I just do not want to talk because it is usually awful. It all feels it is getting a bit desperate.

In the end I feel it is just not meant to be. Yet neither of us want to separate or move out...

(name supplied)

............

My response was this:

Dear (name),

My email address is michael@newhorizon.au.com

Your problem: Buddy, you are not alone. I talk to hundreds of men in the same boat. SO don’t feel like a goose. It’s happening everywhere.

Point 2: stop struggling with her. Declare a unilateral turce and simply give up the fight. Take whatever she dishes out but don’t respond.

Point 3: forgive her. She only wants to be loved and feel secure in your love. Go and buy 2 dozen long stemmed roses and give them to her and say “I wanted to give these to you on Valentine’s Day but I was afraid. I don’t know why. I’m afraid that I’m losing you. And I love you....”

Speak your heart. Fearlessly. Take big risks. Wear the consequences.

Point 4: Read the book. Now. Don’t stop til you’ve finished it.

God will support you. “Act boldly ands might forces will come to your aid.”

Let me know how you get on.

Michael

Men are responsible for what happens to them

THE FULL TEXT OF THE BOOK MAN OVERBOARD IS AVAILABLE FREE ON THE FIRST POST OF THIS BLOG (SEPTEMBER 2005)

Alan Barron's book Responsible Manhood was released recently. This is Part 2 of his critique of Man Overboard, with my commentary.

.....

Alan continues: "Many marriages would be saved, in my view, if women were better educated to see motherhood as a rewarding vocation in its own right and also how to meet the physical needs of their husbands. [My comment: Enrolments in such training might be hard to come by.]

"I saw a debate on television not so long ago that asked why men from countries like Australia, the US and some European countries were sourcing brides from Asia. When asked by the female presenter why they were going to Asian countries to source a bride, many men admitted˜albeit somewhat sheepishly˜they wanted a woman who came from a family friendly culture where a wife was happy to be a predominately full-time homemaker. The female adjudicator quipped the men were after "compliant women", women who had the 'old-fashioned view' that 'marriage was all about pleasing the man.' The savagery of her remarks sent some of the poor blokes into a swift retreat. But such remarks parody, or caricature, a male perspective. Implied in the question was these men were looking for a 'doormat' for a wife. While the men admitted they did not like the strident attitude of Western women, who virtually demanded marriage on their terms, it was just that Western women had high expectations of men both in terms of material success and intimacy demands." [My comment: That is, they were looking for doormats.]
"These men simply did not want a high maintenance spouse. What they were seeking were domestically inclined and familial women." [My comment:In other words, they want a low-maintenance spouse. But Alan, every spouse is high maintenance in a love relationship between equals.]
"The expectations placed on men are simply ridiculous. They are expected to have the perfect manicured, clean shaven and waved body and be something of a sexual athlete with tremendous staying power in bed. On top of this they are expected to be the most generous, romantic and considerate dating partner. [My comment: There's not much demand for men who are the opposite, and little wonder.]
Alan continues: "Thus the Biblical order has been reversed. Men exist to fulfil the needs of women. For men today sex is a minefield and beset with confusing norms and expectations. This is why I think internet pornography has become so popular - apart from it being so widely available and easy to access. It does in a perverse way make men feel as if they are back in control of the dating game by offering them a vast array of attractive women who are there to fulfil their every sexual desire, free from any sense of commitment and responsibility." [My comment: Most pornography appeals to this adolescent fantasy because the males who consume it suffer from arrested development. A fully mature male does not need pornography as a substitute for a healthy sexual relationship.]

.........

There are many men who will find great solace in Alan's position. Unfortunately they are doomed to wander the face of the earth in a fruitless search for love because it's no longer 1952. Even mail order brides eventually rebel. Men with the attitudes Alan describes don't know what love is. They want to reproduce the emotional state of the baby - centre of attention, showered with unconditional love by a doting mommy, all their needs met without effort.
If you are such a male, it's time to grow up. You'll have nothing but futile pain until you discover that women are not the enemy. They are truly the weaker sex when it comes to romance. They can't resist it. I recommend you read Dale Carnegie's classic How To Win Friends and Influence as a start. It will point you in the right direction... Don't read my book. You'll be offended. I believe women are right when it comes to love.

Extremist mens' rights nazis are nancy boys

I've been surfing some of the mens' rights sites and was gobsmacked at how twisted and sinister some of these women haters are. It's easy to blame the victim. The wife beater usually says "Why did you make me do it?" These big macho mysogenists are really nancyboys who don't have the guts to truly love a woman - who run away from the pain and hide behind their self-imposed victimhood. They can't take a beating and keep loving.
I believe men are responsible for the failure of their relationships. A woman who is romanced every day does not become a tyrannical bitch. A woman who can trust her man to love and protect her does not become a controlling, nagging man-hater.
Men make women what they are. It's like golf. Your golf game is a window on your soul. So is your woman.

"Women are the problem" is a cop out

Blaming women is copping out.
Blaming women is very Biblical. Adam was the first man to blame a woman for his own weakness. (See Genesis 3:12)

.........


Alan Barron kindly cast his eye over the manuscript of Man Overboard (at Warwick Marsh's invitation), then revealed the central thesis of his new book Responsible Manhood... As I read his critique I became more dismayed that Alan is firmly in the camp of males who blame women for problems between the sexes. Alan said the following:
"I don't have time to read it in depth. But a cursory glance of it would seem to indicate that men have the problem(s) and women seem to have little to be concerned with in terms of their contribution to rebuilding a marriage. I guess this is because you have directed your book at men, and not addressed issues which women should face up to.
"In my book Responsible Manhood, I look at men, sexuality and the popularity of porn. So why is porn so popular? There must be a lot of frustrated men out there, who for the most part would be married, or in some sort of a relationship with a woman. So, why are these guys online looking for sexual titillation? Is it any wonder porn is a huge billion-dollar industry? So why do so many men feel the need to use it?
"I firmly believe if a wife is meeting her husband's sexual needs, that this will satisfy him, and prevent the craving to want to pursue sexual titillation. This raises the prospect that many women are not totally fulfilling their man's sexual needs in marriage.
[My comment: How many of these men are seducing their wives, wooing them, earning their sexual favours? Or do many men simply climb into bed and expect sex as their right of marriage? How many of them shower and shave before approaching their wives? Or is she offered sweaty stubble and beer breath? Men whose women feel unloved dont "get" much sex for one reason: it is because they are unattractive.]
"Also, today most of the emphasis is on meeting a woman's expectations - emotional and physical. This expectation has undoubtedly influenced the attitudes of many Christian women. This is fine as far as it goes, but what of the husband's expectations? One of the husband's expectations is that his wife will meet his sexual needs, which I think is a reasonable expectation." [My comment: That is the expectation you could have of a prostitute. But even a prostitute can choose her clients. A woman who is treated as a WIFE (Washing, Ironing, F---ing, Etc.) may find it hard to feel aroused.]
"Often if a husband does ask his wife to try a new position, or to try oral sex, and she takes offence, then most men don't bother to pursue the matter. So frustration begins to build deep down inside him. This can lead to bottling up of his sexual needs. Feelings of resentment begin to rise to the point where it finds expression in outbursts of anger over trivial matters which ordinarily would have not bothered him." [My comment: A man does not have the unrestrained right to have his way in sexual relations. The word is "relations". Relationships are about building trust, sharing, fidning common ground. Any man who acts in such a petulant way when a woman is not inclined to perform a sex act is exhibiting a schoolboy's level of maturity. Love is not about "getting". It's about "giving". "Making love" to a woman is, first and foremost, about creating a loving feeling. How often have our unsuccessful Romeos said he words "I love you" or noticed what she is wearing or how she has done her hair.]

Alan continues: "What does the Bible have to say about this? Men are told to love their wives as themselves. What is love? Love is patient, it is kind, endures all things, and is not happy with evil. Love never gives up, is not ill mannered or selfish or irritable, nor does it keep a record of wrongs (1 Cor 13: 4 - 7). A woman is told to respect and submit to her husband. Submission cannot be forced; it must be a voluntary act by the woman out of love for her husband and submission to the authority of Scripture.
"The Apostle Peter agrees with Paul. In First Peter, Chapter 3, verses 1 - 7, the apostle outlines the Scriptural pattern for both women and men. He encourages women to be submissive to their own husbands, not to adorn the outward body but to acquire inner beauty and to have a "gentle and quiet spirit."
"The one thing you can't help noticing about the modern liberated woman is that she seldom possesses a 'gentle and quiet spirit.' This is the way, says the apostle, how women of old made themselves beautiful. He stresses the submissive attitude the Godly woman should have and goes on to say the wife should do "what is right and not to give way to fear." Submission then is made from a standpoint of love and respect, which casts out fear.
"Men for their part the apostle says they are to be considerate of their wives and treat them with respect "as the weaker partner," which indicates that the husband should assume leadership of his family and seek to lead it in the way of peace, love, truth, righteousness and justice."
[My comment: I have met more weak men than weak women. Most women are strong. They've always been strong, and if they are asssertive today it's because they have not been 'husbanded' - loved. Paul says husbands should love their wives as they love themselves. That means, focus on her needs as much as on your own. And her basic need is to feel loved, everyday. Men who fail in their duty as lovers deserve everything they get. The very act of trying to assert control of women by appealing to Scripture is an admission of weakness in men. Authority and loyalty are earned in relationships, not conferred.]

More in a later blog...

Was Johnny Cash a 'mommy's boy'?

I took my wife to see "Walk The Line", the movie about Johnny Cash and June Carter. Theirs was one of the most celebrated marriages in the entertainment industry. It lasted more than 30 years and survived Johnny's drug habit. (My parents were in the entertainment industry and my Mum used to say, "It's hard to stay married in this business. There's just too much temptation."
The movie - which is fantastic if you're a music fan - makes J.R. Cash out to be a weak man who couldn't function without June who was portrayed as a "mommy" figure. Now that ain't no way to treat a lady. A strong relationship is one between two emotionally-mature adults, coming together each from a place of strength, self-reliance, and lack of dependence. (As much as women hate not being needed enough, they dislike it even more when a guy needs them too much, ie. can't stand on his own two feet.) Johnny Cash was portrayed in the movie as needing June too much.
But hold on. Didn't I drink too much and smoke too much weed and not eat properly or get enough sleep in the year Louisa and I were apart? (Background: she left me for another man shortly after our first child was born 30 years ago. I gave her good reasons to leave.) So maybe I'm a 'mommy's boy' as well.

Roy LaFontaine's song 'Trouble' rings true for me.

Trouble
Trouble Trouble Trouble Trouble Trouble
Trouble been doggin' my life since the day I was born
Worry
Worry Worry Worry Worry Worry
Worry just refuse to let my mind alone
But I've been saved by a woman
Yes I've been saved by a woman

I've still got troubles and worries, but they all seem so handleable if she's in my life. And when we have those seemingly terminal disputes (yes, Mr Love falls into the Black Pit of Marriage like anyone else) all the achievements and wonderful things that I've been given seem worthless.

Roy's second song on his album 'Trouble' includes the lyrics:

You will shelter me, my love
And I will shelter you.

Isn't that what marriage is about? Finding a place of shelter? (Not a place where you're safe from pain, that's a different matter.) In the Bible God gives Adam a woman (he creates sex and gives the sexes to each other) as a 'helper'. He makes Eve out of Adam's flesh. In other words, he separates Adam into two people. And the story of everyday since then has been the attempt by mankind to reunify those two halves. Alone I feel like I'm only half. Together I feel whole.

Johnny Cash wrote a song called Flesh And Blood. It's about June, his wife. These are the lyrics:

Beside a Singin' Mountain Stream
Where the Willow grew
Where the Silver Leaf of Maple
Sparkled in the Mornin' Dew
I braided Twigs of Willows
Made a String of Buckeye Beads.

But Flesh And Blood need Flesh And Blood
And you're the one I need
Flesh And Blood need Flesh And Blood
And you're the one I need.

I leaned against a Bark of Birch
And I breathed the Honey Dew
I saw a North-bound Flock of Geese
Against a Sky of Baby Blue
Beside the Lily Pads
I carved a Whistle from a Reed;
Mother Nature's quite a Lady
But you're the one I need
Flesh And Blood need Flesh And Blood
And you're the one I need.

A Cardinal sang just for me
And I thanked him for the Song
Then the Sun went slowly down the West
And I had to move along
These were some of the things

On which my Mind and Spirit feed;
But Flesh And Blood need Flesh And Blood
And you're the one I need
Flesh And Blood need Flesh And Blood
And you're the one I need

So when this Day was ended
I was still not satisfied
For I knew ev'rything I touched
Would wither and would die
And Love is all that will remain
And grow from all this Seed;

Mother Nature's quite a Lady
But you're the one I need
Flesh And Blood need Flesh And Blood
And you're the one I need.

Do we have an answer to the question, "Was Johnny Cash a mommy's boy?" I'd say "Yes", but so are we all. There's a bit of the mother/nurturer in every wife and a bit of the father/provider/protector in every husband. Marriage is a complex ball of string. The parties to a marriage supply each others' needs in so many ways. No wonder it's hard to make a marriage work!

THE FULL TEXT OF MAN OVERBOARD IS AVAILABLE ON THE FIRST POST OF THIS BLOG.

(Hey! Why not leave a comment?)

What do women want?

THIS IS AN EXTRACT FROM 'MAN OVER-BOARD'. THE FULL TEXT IS AVAIL-ABLE IN THE FIRST POST OF THIS BLOG.

A woman wants many things, but most of all she wants to be in love. Not just loved. She wants a man to feel passionate about her. Women want to know the passion of love everyday… to know they are loved completely and entirely.

For women everything they do is an expression of love. Shopping, cooking, planning holidays, thinking about redecorating… all become acts of love because they see them as nurturing. And they interpret your actions as acts of love. Forget to put out the garbage? You don’t love her enough. Taking time to get around to the lawn? It’s because you don’t care enough. Haven’t replaced those light globes that are out…. ? Etc. You get the drift.

That’s not to say you should do everything she tells you to without considering your own needs. There’s a period of self-denial while you re-win her trust. But self-denial can mean you lose yourself and lose interest in her if it goes on. After the balance of justice’s scales has been restored in her mind, you just need to continually demonstrate you care about her and love her deeply. She’ll forgive many failings if she knows your heart is in the right place.

There are two fundamental things a woman wants from you to prove your love: attentiveness and intimacy.

WHAT WOMEN WANT #1: Attentiveness: If you’re not interested in her enough to notice her and show an interest in her, it’s hard to fake it. You’ll never make it. If the bitterness of Gridlock makes it hard, see “Reawakening the Passion” in Man Overboard. I am assuming you truly love her and that she is the most important thing in your life.

Attentiveness means simply paying attention – being aware of her most of the time, and letting her know in little ways. (See “Wooing your woman everyday” in Man Overboard.)

WHAT WOMEN WANT #2: Intimacy: A woman also wants intimacy. This can be hard for a man not used to talking about his feelings. It means making yourself vulnerable – open to be hurt. All it takes is guts, the courage you use everyday to make a living. I have no easy solution to this intimacy stuff: Your challenge is to become an expert on your feelings and an expert on exposing them. Here’s a simple formula: Think about how things make you feel and tell yourself in simple words about it. Then start by making simple statements to your wife about how you feel about her and how it makes you feel when you fight.
(NB. This is not an invitation to unload criticism and negativity. Bite your tongue. Honesty is not the best policy when it comes to criticism and negativity. Don't give in to the self-indulgence of 'speaking your mind', no matter what she says. You'll discover why I recommend this if you ignore my advice.)

“For a marriage to have any chance, every day at least six things should go unsaid.” - Unknown]

It takes guts to open up and risk ridicule. Don’t worry – she won’t laugh at you if you are obviously sincere. She’ll be confused and curious, most likely. If she does react badly, this is no reflection on you. It’s her problem. She’s been hurt badly and needs patience. Hang in there. Keep it up. You should wear her down. Trust is the key. Trust can take time to win back. But you’ve got the guts to do the hard yards.
This intimacy stuff can be harrowing, but it gets better with time. And it makes sex amazing when she gets comfortable enough with you to share sex fantasies and vice versa. It removes her most powerful weapon: wanting to talk about her feelings and your relationship. Up until now, if she wanted to put you on the back foot at any time she could spring that one you. But get comfortable with it and you are back on top. It makes the temporary discomfort worth it a million per cent.

[“Your purpose is not to survive but to express every grain of passion that love arouses in you.” - Deepak Chopra]

American love expert Barbara De Angelis says there are 3 secret needs every woman has:

They need to feel safe
They need to feel connected.
They need to feel valued.

I reckon a woman can feel all three if they experience attentiveness and intimacy.

(PS> Pictured is my daughter Jessica displaying the modern female's attitude to males who promise them romance - attentiveness and intimacy - and who don't deliver. She doesn't know I've posted this pic and if she finds out I'm up the creek*. With her is a young American friend whom she met on the Japanese Government-sponsored Ship For Peace which took 200+ Japanese young people and 200+ young people from a dozen different countries on a 2-month journey throughout Asia-Pacific, brainstorming solutions to global problems like world peace and environmental degradation. So if you know her, please don't tell her she's on my blog or she'll tell my daughter and I'll cop hell.)

*"Up the creek" might be an Australianism, a cleaned up version of 'up s--- creek in a barbed wire canoe without a paddle.' I'll check it out and get back to you.

Happy Valentine's Day

An old man got on a bus one February 14th, carrying a dozen roses.
He sat beside a young man.
The young man looked at the roses and said, "Somebody's going to get a beautiful Valentine's Day gift."
"Yes," said the old man.
A few minutes went by and the old man noticed that his young companion was staring at the roses.
"Do you have a girlfriend?" the old man asked.
"I do," said the young man. "I'm going to see her right now, and I'm going to give her this Valentine's Day card."
They rode in silence for another 10 minutes, and then the old man got up to get off the bus. As he stepped out into the aisle, he suddenly placed the roses on the young man's lap and said, "I think my wife would want you to have these. I'll tell her that I gave them to you."
He left the bus quickly. As the bus pulled away, the young man turned to see the old man enter the gates of a cemetery.

smartmarriages.com

THE FULL TEXT OF 'MAN OVERBOARD' IS AVAILABLE IN THE FIRST POST OF THIS BLOG (SEPTEMBER 2005)

A feminist discovers marriage

"Being married is like having somebody permanently in your corner. It feels limitless, not limited."

These are the words of Gloria Steinem, said in 2000, upon marrying for the first time at age 66. Ms Steinem is America's best-known arch-feminist. She founded Ms magazine.

THE FULL TEXT OF 'MAN OVERBOARD' IS AVAILABLE IN THE FIRST POST OF THIS BLOG (SEPTEMBER 2005)

The Prophet, On Marriage

Then Almitra spoke again and said, "And what of Marriage, master?"

And he answered saying:

You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.

You shall be together when white wings of death scatter your days.

Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.

But let there be spaces in your togetherness,

And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Love one another but make not a bond of love:

Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.

Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.

Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,

Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.

For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.

And stand together, yet not too near together:

For the pillars of the temple stand apart,

And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

Kalhil Gibran

THE FULL TEXT OF THE BOOK 'MAN OVERBOARD' CAN BE FOUND ON THE FIRST POST OF THIS BLOG

Is your marriage in crisis?

Try this quick quiz.

A. Are you married? Y/N
B. Are you married? Y/N
C. Are you married? Y/N
D. Are you married? Y/N
E. Are you married? Y/N

If you answered Yes to one of these questions, there is a 90% chance your marriage is currently in crisis, recently been in crisis, about to go into crisis, or on a slow burn towards crisis.
..........
The above is an extract from the book Man Overboard. Many readers are sceptical about this remark, especially men. But those for whom the crisis is like a wave crashing on rocks know it is happening... and that wave started a long time before it crashed, a long way out at sea. And it has been a long time coming. The men who doubt the power of the wave are the ones washed off the rocks.

I found support for my contention in the pages of the book The Mystery of Marriage by Mike Mason. The institution of marriage precipitates a crisis for each individual that enters into it because it carries with it a conflict between 'the needs for dependence and for independence, between the urge toward loving cooperation and the opposite urge toward detachment, privacy, self-sufficiency.' Marriage is an intense invasion of privacy, he says. 'The wedding is merely the beginning of a lifelong process of handing over absolutely everything, and not simply everything that one owns but everything that one is.'

This next bit is beautiful. If you thought what you were going through was a mistake, dwell on this - it's a natural part of the process of marriage. He says: 'There is no one who is not broken by this process. It is excruciating and inexorable, and no one can stand up to it. Everyone gets broken on the wheel of love, and the breaking that takes place is like nothing else under the sun.'

Pain goes with the territory. Love is about feeling pain as your ego is broken down and reconstructed such that you can share your life with another, caring for her as much as for yourself. There is a crisis of ego built into the institution of marriage. And that crisis lasts as long as the marriage lasts. But there is a beautiful freedom to be found there, when your surrendering enables your partner to open like a flower to become the person they were born to be.

THE FULL TEXT OF 'MAN OVERBOARD' IS AVAILABLE IN THE FIRST POST OF THIS BLOG

That moment of terror lasted 30 years

I had a shocking realisation today, reading a book called The Mystery of Marriage by Mike Mason (given to me by Warwick Marsh of the Fatherhood Foundation). In the book Mike is telling the story of an incident in a monastery that he and his new wife visited where he was suddenly gripped by a cold hand around his heart. Questions flooded into his ehad. What am I doing? Who is this woman? Can I back out of this marriage? His moment of terror was soon dissolved when the couple observed two hawks flying together and playing joyfully in the vastness of the sky.
I recognised his moment of terror. I’d had my own. But it wasn’t resolved so easily, and the consequences dogged our relationship for 30 years. Louisa and I had a whirlwind romance. We were inseperable from the moment we “collided”., like childhood best best friends. We started living together informally almost from day one. When we returned by train to the university town for the beginning of the new year, Louisa was no longer booked into a residential college. We were sharing a farmhouse with my best friend at the time, Mark Jones. I hit the brick walk of fear and uncertainty as the Glen Innes Mail slowly drew us closer to Armidale, the New England university town where we met and where the early scenes in the tragicomedy of our love affair would be played out.
Fear gripped my heart. Suddenly I felt sick in the stomache. I couldn’t feel the love that I had for Louisa. I felt like I was taking on a responsibility I couldn’t fulfil. I felt dread of the future. I felt that I was going to hurt Louisa. I just wanted to get away and be alone. I did not have the courage to tell her what I was going through. But she must have sensed the distance between us. The dreadful distance kept recurring throughout our days together. I was pushing her away, then clinging to her when she tried to escape me. This pattern continued until she managed to escape and I peered into the abyss, alone, despairing, devastated. It all started with that moment of fear.
I came across that same phenomenon in the movie “Rumor Has It” when the newly married sister Annie Huttinger (played by Mena Suvari) has a panic attack on the tennis court. She can’t breathe. She explained to Jennifer Aniston that the marriage had all seemed like a dream, but then reality set in with a jolt.
Mike Mason says it’s the moment when we realise the intensity of the invasion of privacy that marriage brings with it.
Is this a psychological condition that people go through? Should marriage carry a warning label?

THE FULL TEXT OF 'MAN OVERBOARD' IS AVAILABLE IN THE FIRST POST OF THIS BLOG

Thank God for the Feminists

Betty Friedan died on Saturday. She was the lady who started the modern feminist movement with her book The Feminine Mystique. A lot of men hate feminists because they think they put a bunch of screwy ideas into womens' heads that make them unsatisfied with the traditional roles of wife and mother. Well I'm here to tell you that's a load of bullexcreta. Feminists didn't make women unsatisfied with their lot. Men did that. In Betty's day a woman got fired if she fell pregnant. She was probably in a menial job anyway because women did not get access to senior positions and they were shut out of entire industries. Women in the early 1960s, when Betty wrote her book, were consigned to the roles of breeding stock and domestic servants. We have since discovered that women have brains and can use them. They can invent things and make scientific discoveries and run large organisations and make films... All of these things they were discouraged from doing. Told they weren't good enough. I wonder how males who hate feminists would feel about them if they grew up as females back in those days.
Thank God for the Feminists because they gave us a chance at having fully-integrated relationships. Women who are supressed by men always get back at them. They nag or dominate their husbands. They make their children miserable. They find fault. All the jokes about women in marriage ("Take my wife. Please take my wife.") are jokes on the men who manufacture their own misery.
Don't get me wrong. A woman who wants to devote her life to raising children and keeping house should have that right. (Louisa stayed out of the workforce while our kids were growing up so they would have a parent there when they came home from school. We were lucky to have that opportunity. But she suffered for it when she re-entered the workforce, and I suffered for it, too.)
It's not what women do that matters. It's that they have the right to choose what they can do. The right to fulfill their potential as human beings. It's ironic that the American Declaration of Independence opens with the lines: "“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.” Each woman should have these rights, too.
Brother, she wasn't born to be your wife, your lover, or the mother of your children. She was born to be herself, the best person she can be. And if that includes being your wife, your lover and the mother of your children, then you should thank God for her choice and respect it and show her what it means to you, everyday.
As men, when we marry, we earn the right to try to win her heart again every day. We know how to do it. We already did it once before. We've just got to keep on doing it. Everyday. And guess what? It helps her become the best wife, lover and mother she can be.
So thanks, Betty. It was a hard lesson, but a good one to learn.


THE FULL TEXT OF 'MAN OVERBOARD' IS AVAILABLE IN THE FIRST POST OF THIS BLOG

I believe in Love

I get an email like this one every other day:

Dear Michael,

I would really appreciate a copy of your booklet ‘Man Overboard’... I am believing for a rescue of my marriage of 28 years. Even though I am separated and have been for 5 years now, I love my wife deeply and long for restoration. We caught up for dinner recently and there was some of the old spark there… I am at that stage where I would appreciate any guidance I can get. I believe in my heart of hearts that my wife wants restoration too, but that somehow it is all too hard.

Bless you heaps Michael for your faith,

Bob

Dear Bob,

I feel very deeply that your wife would like to reunite if she could trust your love. I hope you can find in this manuscript some ideas to help you demonstrate your love.
It might help if you focus on her as a person rather than as your wife. Strip away the ‘roles’ you mentally impose on her and try to see her as she truly is, as a whole person. There are mysterious depths in her personality that you have never visited. Find a way to touch these – to acknowledge her integrity as a human being – and she should respond.
The only other advice I can give you is to listen to your heart and act upon its instructions, boldly. Don’t be afraid of consequences or opinions.
The true quest here is not to recover your wife. It is to recover and release your loving self. Become the loving person you are deep inside and you will radiate love. Love begets love. Love multiplies love.
The Manuscript is attached.

Believe in Love,

Michael Kiely



THE FULL TEXT OF 'MAN OVERBOARD' IS AVAILABLE IN THE FIRST POST OF THIS BLOG

Support for Man Overboard in the Bible

This week Lousa and I had lunch with Warwick and Alison Marsh. The spiritual energy in their home is immense. The Marsh family have travelled the world playing their rock music and bringing people the Good News of the Bible. They are musical missionaries. They also run the Fatherhood Foundation. A lot of people I know would call them and a lot of people they know "God botherers". But the simple love that shines in their faces confounds such stereotype. Besides, like Christ, they broke bread with sinners - Louisa and I. Unlike the some of their bretheren, they are not prone to be judgemental. "Judge not lest ye be judged," saith the Lord. Unlike some of their most devout bretheren, they manage to love each other and have a successful marriage. Unlike some believers, they're not always looking for someone to blame for problems. In fact, although some passages in Man Overboard make Warwick uneasy (and would make others of his bretheren condemn the book outright), he sees the good in it and even finds passages in the "greatest book of all" that support my thesis.
My main point is that men are responsible for the failure of their relationships because they fail to lead. They fail to love their wives with sufficient fervor that their wives feel secure and cared for and cherished. Men fail to honour their wedding vows. There are many reasons for this failure - and men are not to be blamed for it. But it is their responsibility to take the initiative and heal their partners' hearts and, in so doing, heal their own hearts.

The greatest thing a man can do for his children is to love their mother such that she feels loved everyday. Many men do not have the guts to do this, and want to fall back on outdated ideas of 'a man's place', patriarchal concepts that were formed in heroic times when only the muscle of a man protected and provided for his family. That world has passed, but unfortunately the ideas it gave rise to live on. We see the failure I speak of in Genesis. Adam was the first man and fail he did on behalf of us all. God said: don't eat the fruit from that tree. Now Adam was the boss when God wasn't around, right? Eve was made from his rib to be his helper. Yet what does the boss do? He doesn't admonish Eve for eating the fruit and call an emergency meeting with God to discuss options for dealing with this transgression. No, he simply follows the helper's lead and eats the fatal fruit. And to make matters worse, when God says "Have you been eating that fruit I warned you about?" Adam doesn't take it like a man. He blames his helper. Where was Adam while the snake was talking to his wife? Was he available to his wife, there being with her, present to her and guiding her? No, he's off somewhere like most males in relationships, emotionally unavailable and often physically unavailable, too.

A woman will not go off to look for love outside the relationship if she finds it at home. I am aware that this may offend a lot of male 'victims', but brothers, get over it! You put the burr under the saddle, you made the bed, you stuffed up. Hating her for wanting to be loved is a cowardly denial of your responsibility to love and cherish - it's Adam blaming Eve when it happened on his watch. Blaming the modern woman for wanting too much is the sign of a weak man who acknowledges he hasn't got what it takes to truly love a woman. It is the instinct of a little boy, not a grown man. Marriage is the process by which we grow up and learn to love and be loved. It's not some Disneyland of the Heart, not some eternal Christmas Day. It can be, but there's a long journey ahead to get there... Thanks to Adam.

But the good news is there are thinGs you can do today to start the process of unlocking your heart to let the love out.


THE FULL TEXT OF 'MAN OVERBOARD' IS AVAILABLE IN THE FIRST POST OF THIS BLOG

"It is a masterpiece."

Dear Warwick,

I have been married to the same man for thirty three years. I would say that communication is the hardest thing for a couple to learn. Men and Women think differently..

I loved the book. It is a masterpiece. When it goes to print may I please buy four copies. I run tourist accomodation... I would like to put a copy in every suite or perhaps I should sell it for you.

Pam

(This is an extract of a letter sent to Warwick Marsh of the Fatherhood Foundation after he sent the manuscript to 150 of his personal contacts. Thank you Pam. Thanks Warwick.)



THE FULL TEXT OF 'MAN OVERBOARD' IS AVAILABLE IN THE FIRST POST OF THIS BLOG

The Language of Opposite Meanings

Here is a definition of the Language of Opposite Meanings: “When one partner says something, the other partner often hears the opposite meaning.”

When she is nagging you and criticising you – when everything you do is wrong – she is actually saying “I don’t trust that you care for me and protect me. Please care for me and love me. I love you.” The male, however, usually hears: “You are hopeless. You are not a good husband/boyfriend/lover. I really made a mistake picking you. I don’t love you.” He in turn, unable to take the pain of the woman he loves attacking him, retreats – into the garage, down to the club, behind the newspaper, or into the office, immersing himself in work and career or taking a second job. By his retreat he is telling her in male language that he loves her and needs to feel loved, but she gets the opposite message. She feels as though he is pushing her away.

So while both of you are saying “I love you and want you to love me” each is getting the message from the other “I don’t care about you.”

(This is an extract from Man Overboard.)

Loved your book

Loved your book

Michael,
I just wanted to say that I read your book in one
afternoon and I loved it. The fact that it was short
was for a bloke an advantage, it also seems to address
issues from a blokes view.

As a divorced bloke it encapulated what I now see were
my most likely mistakes to bring our relationship to
an end.

Now I have two further steps,
a) to apply what you've written
b) I'll probably need to reread your book and remind
myself of your tips, at least now`I have a better idea
and hopefully a better chance at a successful
relationship.

Regards
Colin