Man Overboard! cover illustration

This is the cover illustration we have selected for the book Man Overboard. I like it because it is optimistic, the central image is of a man in peril but safe, supported by a substantial life preserver. Yet he is waving, indicating that he wants to be helped. The men who will be helped by this book are those who acknowledge that the old way - command and control, macho-man, me Tarzan you Jane approach doesn't work, and that they need to try something new.

Boys are stupid, throw rocks at them

A company in the USA has grown to US$100m turnover selling T-shirts with anti-boys slogans like "Boys tell lies, poke them in the eyes!" and "The stupid factory, where boys are made." Todd Goldman started David and Goliath Inc. in 1999 to sell "Boys are Smelly" T-shirts. Thr "Boys are stupid..." merchandise, which includes clothes, mugs, key chains, posters, and a book with the same title. A campaign by men's rights activists boosted sales. Los Angeles radio host Glenn Sacks - a men's rights activist - launched a campaign against the shirts two years ago, claiming they are part of a mood in society to victimize boys. The T-shirts have been described as "hate speech". Several retailers, covering 3000 retail outlets, have removed the shirts. Womens' rights activists do not support the campaign against the T-shirts, agreeing with Mr Goldman that they are merely humorous. But they're not. The are selling like hot cakes - which means there is a lot of built-up anger against males that expresses itself in sales of t-shirts and merchandise. Generations of patriarchal stupidity hsa left a reservoir of resentment for men.

EXTRACT FROM "Man Overboard"

Women today have the whip hand – they decide when the marriage isn’t working, they decide when you’ll have sex, they decide most things… you just keep your head down and keep working to pay for it all.

[Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back. - Al Bundy, Married with Children ]

Men are on the back foot. Look at this short list of proofs:

• The media takes the feminist line that men are the problem.
• The courts assume men are the problem.
• Teachers have convinced themselves boys are dumber than girls. And boys live up (or down) to their expectations.
• Advertising agencies make fun of men in their ads to appeal to women buyers.
• Women convince their children that he is the problem.

It’s time men got back on the front foot. We need to win back the respect that used to be a man’s right as husband and father. We need to restore men to their place in the family. But we can only do that by convincing our wives that we deserve that respect.

You can’t force people to feel or think the way you want them to. The great expert on human nature, Dale Carnegie taught that you have to inspire them to change the way they think and feel. This book gives you a strategy for inspiring your woman to love and respect you again.

The Dark Night of the Soul

These lyrics were written when I was in the gloom of anguish over my relationship. with my wife, which was fairly constant there for a while. They reveal a path to freedom: self knowledge, self reliance, self love.

Dark Night of the Soul

Verse 1
There comes a time when everyman
must face himself alone
And confront the fact nothing’s ever certain
All the things you take for granted
can be taken in a moment
Half way thru your song
they bring down the curtain

Verse 2
We are born alone, we live alone,
and in the end we die alone
And spend our lives
running from this fact
You can meet and fall in love
with different people on the way
But you are you and I am me
and Darling that is that

Chorus 1
You can’t rely on lovers
You can’t speak for others
No one else can fill the gaping hole
That you feel you need to fill
And you pursue it with a will
Straight into the dark night of the soul



Verse 3
You can find a few distractions
You can fill your days with joy
But no one can escape the Lonesome Hero
He’s riding on your shoulder
Watching everything you do
And turning up everywhere that you go

Verse 4
What makes him so terrifying
What makes him so bad
Is that you can’t predict a thing that he’ll do
What’s even scarier
Is knowing deep inside
That the Lonesome Hero
Is really only you.

Chorus 2
You can run but you can’t hide
From the need to go inside
And meet the only person who will stay
Beside you all the while
And when you see them smile
The dark night of the soul becomes the day

The Pope agrees with me: Love is everything

Pope Benedict XVI's first 'encyclical' was released yesterday and guess what? he's been reading my emails, or he's seen a copy of Man Overboard. Because he's stolen my material. This encyclical - or 'binding memo' - is shattering assumptions and illusions about this fuddy-duddy churchman and his archaic Church because it is all about Love. Titled "Deus Caritas Est", God is Love, the Pope says, essentially, Love is the power that holds the universe together, and that human love between man and woman should be based on the twin technologies propounded by Man Overboard: surrender and forgiveness. Not that I'm about to shoot off a copyright claim to the Vatican. Benedict deserves a break to prove he's not the cold-bloodled Vatican operative he used to be. I will provide you with slices of encylical which indicate the gobsmacking alignment between the Pope and me, a rare event. I always suspect old men who wear dresses and who are celebate telling other people how to express their sexuality.

How to increase the odds of divorce

Angela and Nate were probably married six months later and divorced several years after that. WHY? The clue is in the line "We have everything in common." Regular readers of this blog will remember a recent blog where I revealed evidence that indicates that couple who 'have everything in common" are not ideal partnerships for life. I reproduce the core of that message here below:

..............

The Hermann Brain Dominance Indicator divides people into 4 types: Blue - analyses, likes technical/financial accuracy, logical, asks 'what are the facts?'; Green - organises, likes to follow procedures, reliable, asks 'what is the sequence of events?'; Yellow - strategises, likes to conceptualise, imaginitive, asks 'how can the parts be put together?'; and Red - personalises, likes to know the effect on others, supportive, asks 'who's involved?' Now no one is simply all one colour. We are combinations of colours, and these combinations can be mapped. Just as an aside the facilitator mentioned that people who live together (cohabit) tend to have similar patterns (ie. the same personality characteristics or colour combinations) and people who follow the traditional route into marriage tend to have the opposite - that is, couples who fall in love and decide to shack up tend to have a lot in common and think that's the basis for an enduring relationship. But couples thinking seriously about spending the rest of their lives together must think about compensating characteristics in each other - how one's strengths will compensate for the other's weaknesses and vice versa. [Just imagine it: A messy, creative person living with another messy, creative person is fun at first, but then the trouble begins. An organiser living with an organiser will have no one to organise.]

Why is it that people get married?

"Why is it that people get married?
Because we need a witness to our lives.
There’s a billion people on the planet.
What does any one life really mean?
But in a marriage, you’re promising to care about everything…
The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things,
All of it… all the time, every day.
You’re saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it.
Your life will not go unwitnessed - because I will be your witness.'"

Wife in the movie, "Shall We Dance?" 2004

I found this quote in smartmarriages.com. It struck me immediately as being profound. Sometimes I think to myself that Louisa gives my life meaning. Famous Australian novelist Partick White described his partner Manoly as "My sweet reason". Now I'm not saying that my life would have no meaning had I not met Louisa or I lost her. But her meaning in my life is meaning. I interpret my life in the context of hers and hers in mine. I am a pretty stong-willed, bull-headed man, despite what some critics think, and do not live my life tied to her apron-strings. But to see her face is like starting anew every time. I don't need a witness to prove I am alive. It's more like a presence. Like the Sun. You don't always notice it, but it's shining and warming all the time. My life with Louisa is different and better than a life without her, with someone else.

(How can I tell? Because I have loved and lived with other women. Louisa was qualitatively different from the moment I first truly saw her. I saw her physically three or four times before my eyes were opened. Then I believe I saw her spirit. Spirit in me recognised Spirit in her, and Spirit danced with joy at recognising itself as in a mirror. It was a shattering experience for me. I remember a week after we collided, she went away for the Michaelmas Term vacation and I wondered around on the farm in a daze, thinking about her, as if I was making a momentous decision. I felt scared. Like I was about to enter some dangerous forest. The day she returned, I went to her residential college room and, as we rushed together to fall into a passionate kiss, I clumsily stepped all over her toes. This was portentious, because I literally, figuratively, and emotionally stepped on her toes by taking her for granted over the next 4 years, so much so that she left me soon after our first child was born... and thus began my dark night of the soul. And the journey towards writing Man Overboard.)

Simon says...

Simon is a divorced father of two who has been involved with the men's movement and fatherhood organisations.
Simon says:
"I read many of these books when my marriage was on the rocks and found most of them a waste of time. Anyway to your book. I like the fact that it's short. I think too many of the books I read were just filling space because they had to. Men from Mars is a good example. I also like the quotes you have scattered through the book. I found myself moved by some of the anecdotes about your own relationship. I think many American books are not as frank about how hard this is. Relationships involve a lot of pain and insights are in my experience hard to come by. You've been pretty frank about how hard it is and I think that's somewhat comforting. It's a good idea - most books in this space are too long and a bit idealistic."

Australian Financial Review gives us the thumbs up!

“You have some fantastic material," said Jill Margo, MEN’S ISSUES writer, Australian Financial Review."You offer a unique perspective that in a way rolls the debate back 50 years, yet is a radical alternative. It will be very controversial which will be good for sales and your profile.”

Why are these men so emotional?

If you read the last blog in this series and the blog titled "One word: crap", you'll notice a similarity between the two. I've had bad reviews from among the now-200 people who have kindly read the manuscript of the book Man Overboard. But these two reactions distinguish themselves by their emotional energy levels (these guys are passionate about something), their rejection of the book is absolute (it has nothing of value in their eyes), and finally they set out to denigrate and even abuse the writer of the book. I don't take it personally (much). The comments about a fellow's wife are a bit rich and ungentlemanly, though.
I have thought a lot about this reaction and decided that it may be part of a pattern - and that when we launch the book we'll be attacked by emotionally-charged men and women (especially feminists), and that we should forge a strategy to anticipate these attacks.

The following passage from the book has been edited out of the final version, but it could hold a clue. It is based on reader reactions:

"There are usually only two types of males in relationships: those in denial and those in crisis. Those in denial read a few pages of this book, then cast it aside. Those in crisis grab it and devour it the way a man dying of thirst gulps water. Both type of male readers need the insights, but only those is crisis feel the need. “Nothing so wonderfully concentrates the mind as the prospect of a hanging,”said Samuel Johnson. Many men are in gridlock (marital trench warfare that could flare into a crisis at any minute) but they are in denial. That their wife would up and leave them is such a threat to their manhood they won’t even consider it a possibility. These men are usually the ones who are blindsided when she walks out or invites them to leave. This book is for men in crisis, who need first aid for their marriage. It is also for men in denial, who could use some preventative medicine to avoid future problems. But it is not just for men… It is for anyone who wants to secure their love relationships."

Now I am not claiming that the authors of these comments are definitely in denial. But the guys who couldn't get past page 15 were in denial. As to these cruelly-articulate gentlemen reviewers, I said something in the book that caused offense. Unwittingly they have joined the cast of the passion play that is the story of this book and how people react to it.

Now tell me what you really think

If you were still trying to make up your mind to read the book Man Overboard (available free on the earliest blogs on this site) the following comments should decide you, one way or another. I admire the man's gift for caustic criticism, though "loquacious" was a bit rich.

Anyhow you decide.

..............

Good afternoon Michael,

I forced myself to read forty pages and then scan the remaining thirty pages of your rambling dissertation Man Overboard. Your essay lacks structure and is repetitious, loquacious and uninspiring. Most of the content is unbridled nonsense interspersed with quotations and motherhood statements, many of which lend themselves to philosophical scrutiny.

You paint yourself as a very weak man lacking any real understanding of life and relationships. The picture you paint of your wife is that of a spoilt brat dangling you on the end of a piece of string. Perhaps both of you got what you deserve. It may help if you read some of the literature on transactional analysis that deals with adult, child and parent relationships.

I hope this has been helpful.

Regards

Ian (Surname withheld until permission granted to post)

Man Overboard is not scripturally based

Background: Wonderful Warwick Marsh included an offer of a free copy of Man Overboard in his Fatherhood Foundation newsletter and I received 17 requests almost overnight. One reader found the book objectionable. In this blog I reproduce the messages sent over this issue because it's an issue we have to face.

Dear Warwick,
Have you read the attached book? Whilst I appreciate his sentiments, it has no hint of being scripturally based, doesn't quote the bible, and does reference eastern religion and eastern religious leaders quite often. I know you are a busy man, so I thought I'd raise this with you. From my standpoint, although this book may achieve some temporary betterment in a relationship (it is a book of tactics), it doesn't address the core issues as covered in scripture, and in my opinion could lead readers further away from Christ instead of closer to Him. I have not discussed this with Michael, there is no point in doing so as I have no base of relationship and credibility from which to work. I will certainly not be recommending the book myself. I would be interested to hear your opinion. The book is attached if you don't have it.
Best regards,
Steve

Warwick replied...

Dear Steve
I am running a hospital.The Fatherhood Foundation is a hospital. The people I work with don't understand church language I lot of people I know don't know Jesus. Michael is on the road but he has not arrived. Few of us have arrived.For a man that hasn't arrived he makes a lot of sense. Your right he would do well to quote more from the greatest book of all. Your right the great majority of eastern Mystics are charlatans.To base your life on them can be quite dangerous. There is only one to base your life on and that is the one who gave his life to prove his love for you and me.I cant help but feel as I read Michaels book that he is on the road to Golgotha.The fragrance of the indescribable Love of God is drawing him closer ever closer.We are all on that journey we are either getting closer or we are going further away.

You can know and not do or you can do and not know. I don't know which is worse. In Christian circles I know far too many people that know all about God's love but don't put it into practice as in loving their Wives and loving their children. My goal is to help men love their wives and children and as they stretch out to do the impossible they will find it is impossible to truly love unless they meet the source of love and it is not possible to meet the source of love without getting an introduction from Jesus Christ the son of the living God. We always meet Jesus on the road to' Golgotha 'which being translated means' the place of the skull' because as Jesus said life comes through death.

In many ways Michael has tried to address the profound mystery of Christ and the church but from the back door. He even quotes one of the most profound scriptures in the bible Ephesians 5:25' Husbands, love your wives as Christ loves the Church and gave himself up for her.'He doesn't finish the quotation which goes on to say about 7 verses farther on 'This is a profound Mystery but I am speaking about Christ and the church.' Some times people who stumble through the back door end up going through the front door. Such is the overwhelming grace of God.

I would have to disagree with you in that the book is only about tactics although that's what men need most and lets not kid ourselves there but the beauty of Michaels book is that they just might put it into practice and find it works and wonder why and start to go on the journey themselves to find the source of love because our love will never be enough. We must get it from our Father in heaven.

Your in Christ's Love
Warwick Marsh

Warwick copied me in on the above, so I sent the following to Steve...

Dear Steve,

I read your concerns about my book and agree with you it is not scripturally based. God did not ask me to write such a book. While I am a regular churchgoer and read the Bible and pray for guidance and live my Faith, I'm just a traveller who sees a crash victim by the way. I want to help stop the bleeding. I'm an ordinary bloke who sees men and women in pain and wants to help stop the destruction, the needless waste of human lives through divorce and separation. I don't try to sell them religion because they're not in the market for it. They are searching for Love. But more than that, they are seeking oneness with God and they don't know it. They think the yearning is for another person, but it is for unity with God they yearn. We are all yearning for the same thing. Learning to give and receive Love brings people closer to God because God is Love. Love is the greatest power in the Universe, it is the gift of God and we deny it at our peril. Without it we are weak and alone. With Love anything is possible.
You are right to point out that there are elements of Eastern mysticism in my book. I follow the precedent set by the missionaries to the British Isles who were instructed not to oppose the pagan festivals but to reinterpret them in Christ's terms. And so a pagan fertility festival became Easter and the Winter solstice became Christmas. If I were to be labelled as Christian it would keep my message locked away from millions around the world who need it. That's a fact. My book of tactics works for modern men. That's all I have been called to do. Your comments have made me think deeply and for that I thank you. Good luck with your mission.

Regards,

Michael Kiely

Two imperfect people got married

I read the whole book through today, doing the final edit, and it sounds like I'm some kind of perfect husband. Look, I'm not. I'm a very ordinary husband, but I try. I am aware of the distance between where I am and perfection. I did all those things I wrote about in the book. But it's hard to stay on top form every day. Recently we had a low spot. Nothing in particular. I was worried about business and became self-centred and obsessive. I dropped my love work rate. I'm still trying to get it up where it should be. The difference between the husband I am today and the husband I was in the bad old days is my awareness and my intention. Perfect Love is not perfect performance and bliss everyday. It's travelling in hope, knowing you're committed to each other. Committed to commitment, these were the words Warwick Marsh gave me yesterday. Someone had given them to him. When Louisa and I were in the dark days and things got hairy, I had a mantra: "I am committed to Marriage." I may not have been committed to Louisa (I was actually, but I was too hurt and scared to feel it or say it.) But commited to commitment. That's enough for me. We can work with that. We can come back from anything if we are that.

***************
"I didn't marry you because you were perfect. I didn't even
marry you because I loved you. I married you because you
gave me a promise. That promise made up for your faults.
And the promise I gave you made up for mine. Two imperfect
people got married and it was the promise that made the marriage.
And when our children were growing up, it wasn't a house that
protected them; and it wasn't our love that protected them - it was that
promise."

Thornton Wilder, The Skin of Our Teeth

We tumbled into bed without thinking

It seemed like the natural thing to do when I met Lousia - we fell in love, stumbled into a relationship, tumbled into bed, became inseperable, and moved in together without thinking. I recall having a feeling of foreboding when we were arriving back at the university town to start our first year of living dangerously together. The pain and anguish we engineered for each other in the coming 4 years before we married and the ongoing tension that took our marriage to breaking point so many times - well, perhaps it could have been avoided if we'd played by the rules a little more. You see, no one knew it at the time, but cohabiting is a bad way to start a marriage if you want your marriage to last.
Look at the facts. In the past 20 years the percentage of couples that live together before marrying has jumped from 30% to 70%. Yet these days divorce rates are up. Divorce is more likely than ever before. The odds of your marriage surviving are slimmer. Why is it so? Isn't the reason you have a 'trial marriage', ie. live together, to test the relationship before signing on the dotted line? Don't we shack up first as an insurance policy against getting it wrong?
The statistics tell us that living together has the opposite effect - it makes marriages less secure, and I now know why. Just last week Louisa, Daniel and I did a personality test as part of the local Catchment Management Authority's Farm Systems Project. (See my blog for our farm http://envirofarming.blogspot.com). The Hermann Brain Dominance Indicator divided the group of 11 farmers (selected for training for their progressive farm practices) into 4 types: Blue - analyses, likes technical/financial accuracy, logical, asks 'what are the facts?'; Green - organises, likes to follow procedures, reliable, asks 'what is the sequence of events?'; Yellow - strategises, likes to conceptualise, imaginitive, asks 'how can the parts be put together?'; and Red - personalises, likes to know the effect on others, supportive, asks 'who's involved?' Now no one is simply all one colour. We are combinations of colours, and these combinations can be mapped. Just as an aside the facilitator mentioned that people who live together (cohabit) tend to have similar patterns (ie. the same personality characteristics or colour combinations) and people who follow the traditional route into marriage tend to have the opposite - that is, couples who fall in love and decide to shack up tend to have a lot in common and think that's the basis for an enduring relationship. But couples thinking seriously about spending the rest of their lives together must think about compensating characteristics in each other - how one's strengths will compensate for the other's weaknesses and vice versa. [Just imagine it: A messy, creative person living with another messy, creative person is fun at first, but then the trouble begins. An organiser living with an organiser will have no one to organise.] So are marriages that start with shacking up (like mine) doomed? No. But they require greater skills and patience with each other - and the road is likely to be rockier. (And it was.)

The Judge says keep her, you’ll find it’s cheaper

IT'S OFFICIAL! Love makes you richer! Divorce can destroy 75% of your personal net worth, according to research done at Ohio State University. A research scientist at OSU's Center for Human Resource Research, tracked the wealth and marital status of 9,055 people from 1985 to 2000. A big reason married people accumulate more wealth than others is simple economies of scale - one household is cheaper to maintain than two. Divorce reverses those benefits. People become more economically productive after they marry. Married people accumulated wealth much faster, accumulating 93% more than single or divorced people over the life of the study. So even Economic Man, with a heart like a calculator, can see the value of True Love...

Who said women are more sensitive?

It’s a myth. Women can be as insensitive and insulting as any idiot male can be. I have lost count of the number of times men have said to me: “I’d be crucified if I said to her some of the things she says to me.”
Special ways a woman can be insulting: They ask you if you have done something that you agreed to do, the implication being that you are a naughty boy who doesn’t do what he’s told. Or they complain if you haven’t observed their timetable for getting a task done. Or they repeat their instructions as you walk out the door, like they are speaking to a child. And they wonder why you start to act like a child. And they wonder why you become sullen and withdrawn after a few of these barbs. Then it’s your fault – you have retreated into your den.
The reason: their lack faith in you. You’ve let them down in the past. That doesn’t make it OK for them to be insulting and insensitive. It simply helps the victim understand the perpetrator. (Now there’s a change. Aren’t women always the victim? No, Virginia. Sometimes they contribute 50% of all the negative elements of any relationship. Not sometimes, but all the time. Society has just convinced them that the world is flat and men are always in the wrong. It’s a belief as misguided as the old 19th century idea that the man was always to be deferred to. Don’t expect a modern woman to believe that. In the words of one wise man I spoke to recently, “Whether he’s right or wrong, he’s wrong anyway.” Surrender to it. One day Justice might be done. One day you might stop feeling the need for Justice.

Are you in denial?

There are usually only two types of males in relationships: those in denial and those in crisis. Those in denial read a few pages of this book, then cast it aside. Those in crisis grab it and devour it the way a man dying of thirst gulps water. Both type of male readers need the insights, but only those in crisis feel the need.
“Nothing so wonderfully concentrates the mind as the prospect of a hanging,”said Samuel Johnson.
Many men are in gridlock (marital trench warfare that could flare into a crisis at any minute) but they are in denial. That their wife would up and leave them is such a threat to their manhood they won’t even consider it a possibility. These men are usually the ones who are blindsided when she walks out or invites them to leave.
Everywhere I look I see men in pain. Men who feel torn between their love of a woman and their self respect. Men who feel like they are being stretched on the rack or hung on a cross. Men who are in danger of losing their wives and their kids, of losing everything they have worked for, everything that makes life meaningful…
This book is for men in crisis, who need first aid for their marriage. It is also for men in denial, who could use some preventative medicine to avoid future problems. But it is not just for men… It is for anyone who wants to secure their love relationships.

You, too, can become a test reader

To counter the impression some readers of this blog might have of the book Man Overboard if they haven’t read it but saw crime writer Peter (blow to the) Temple’s comments in a recent blog, I am listing a representative array of responses from my panel of 150 test readers*:
________________
*You can also become a test reader. The Book is available in full in the first blog on this site.
________________

People from all walks of life and age groups "test read"
the Book. The testers indicate that women love it. ("It is a validation
of how every woman feels but fails to communicate to her husband."
40 year old Gold Coast businesswoman. "It spoke to my heart and
represented me and my deepest needs, desires... Just reading it
freed something inside of me." 35 year old woman from North Carolina.)
The practical examples of romantic initiatives are endorsed by
women: “The moments I remember in my romantic journey were
moments like these.” Female marketing director, cultural institution.
Men in crisis love it: Male, 25, MD, digital company, relationship in crisis
"Your book is fantastic... it made me smile, tear, feel uncomfortable,
wonder, think and most importantly learn."
Male, 40+, MD, ad agency, divorced "I've read a lot of these books.
When my marriage was on the rocks I read many of them and found
most of them a waste of time. Anyway to you book. I like the fact that
it's short. I think too many of the books I read were just filling space
because they had too. Men from Mars is a good example. I also like the
quotes you have scattered through the book. I found myself moved by
some of the anecdotes about your own relationship. I think many
American books are not as frank about how hard this is. Relationships
involve a lot of pain and insights are
in my experience hard to come by. You've been pretty frank about
how hard it is and I think that's somewhat comforting.
It's a good idea - most books in this space are too long
and a bit idealistic."
Male, 35, Senior Executive, IBM, divorced:"I loved it! I think you have
captured the ‘woman’ side of the story perfectly… that is pretty
much the story I pieced together during my breakup…. There are
some great pearls of wisdom in there… you are definitely onto
something, and it’s short enough
that a bloke will actually read it!"
Male 55, CEO communications consultancy:
“Where was this when I was being divorced… twice!!”
Other writers love it: “It’s a cracking read.” Paul Ham,
author,” Kokoda”
“You have some fantastic material. You offer a unique
perspective that in a way rolls the debate back 50 years,
yet is a radical alternative. It will be very controversial which
will be good for sales and your profile.” Jill Margo,
MEN’S ISSUES writer, Australian Financial Review
Finally it checks out with counsellors as valid: Female, 52,
Marriage Guidance Counsellor, divorced: "Started to read
your book at work today… very difficult to put it down…
found it very informative, funny at times,
but very sad to think we hurt each other so unnecessarily…
Robert is keen to read it… I think women will love what you have to say…
your explanations of relationship patterns are pretty accurate from the
female perspective…"
Maybe these people were just being kind.
Here’s an email I received from a young man of Indian extraction 2 weeks ago. I had sent him the manuscript after he heard me speak to his Australian Graduate School of Management class in North Sydney.
“ I found it very interesting, sufficiently detailed and most of all short enough that I actually finished reading it. I particularly found some of the examples quite interesting as some of them came from quite a different perspective. Whist the information was laid out well, I found that some of the information I was eagerly looking for (like the three things for a successful relationship) was not brought out early enough. Maybe this was a tactic to keep the reader interested so that he would not want to put the book down, but I would have preferred a structure with the summary of the contents at the beginning of the book. To me, this assists in creating a mental picture right from the beginning and then I can insert the details into the correct positions as I read on. One other way to get structure could be to have hierarchies of Headings and to show maybe up to 3 Heading levels in the Table of Contents.
Without getting too much in to religion / philosophy, one other interesting observation I made was that the advice you provide on Self Defence with the three stages is very similar to the teachings of the Buddha in Buddhism. You fight the enemy by forgiveness, non-violent / non-aggressive actions and by compassion. Sounds easy but not so easy to put in to action.
Finally, I think you have achieved your intention of bringing the important pieces of wisdom from the various sources into one concise reference. Now, the next stage for me is to put some of the theory in to practice.

Best Regards,
Chanaka

Any fool can have a trophy wife

Any fool can have a trophy wife.
It takes a real man to have a trophy marriage.
- Diane Sollee, smartmarriages.com

I picked up a hitch hiker on my way through the Blue Mountains as I came up to the farm last week. He was a young apprentice chef. As he was telling me about his new apprenticeship, he said these bittersweet but essentially sad words: “My Mum’s boyfriend inspired me to become a chef.” The casual way “my Dad” has become “my Mum’s boyfriend” in normal conversation is shattering. Which of Mum’s boyfriends was that? Perhaps she only had the one.
The happy part was the word “inspired”. This young man had a leader, a mentor. Just what a Dad should be. And maybe his not being a “Dad” enabled him to be a bit hip and cool and inspiring.
A further revelation: our young chef-to-be likes his new profession because he loves to cook and “it’s good to be able to cook a meal for a woman.” He has discovered the power of a degree of domesticity in pulling the heartstrings of his beloved.
He gasped in admiration when I told him I’d been with the same woman for 34 years. I read somewhere that it has become a status symbol in the USA to have a long-standing marriage. They are so rare there and people understand how hard it is to stay married. When I told him, “I met my wife when she was 17 and I was 20,” which must have been close to his own age, he was sincerely impressed.
So was I, with him. Because he believed a marriage that lasts is something worth having. I hope, like his mum’s boyfriend, I was able to inspire him a little during our short ride in the mountains that day.

Lovely Linda and Simon name the day!

My friend Simon is the best dad I know. He's a divorced dad and, instead of getting all bitter and twisted about it, he spends as much time with his kids as he can. Especially in the outdoors, on farms, canoeing down the Murray, travelling in the Outback. Having unforgettable experiences together. In this way he has forged an important role for himself. I admire him. I wasn't much of a dad to my three kids. I always found some client who needed me just when they needed me too. And the clients came first because we needed the money. I used work as a means of holding my wife and family at arms length. Lots of emotionally-unavailable males do the same. Then react with shock when she leaves and takes the kids.
Back to Simon. His girlfriend Linda spent precious hours over the break editing the manuscript of Man Overboard. SHe convinced me to excise large parts of the introductory ramblings and get to the point. (I agreed quickly because that had been a complaint raised several times by my readership panel.)
Anyway, Linda is an editor with a classy, up-market women's magazine and she's edited books before. But what made her contribution so special was that Simon proposed at Christmas and she accepted! So, full of pre-wedded bliss, she battled with the ill-disciplined writing style in my book about sorry guys who can't get it right with women. Congratulations Linda and Simon. You are striking a blow for hope and for the eternal power of love.

Just like "Hitch'

If you've seen the movie Hitch you'll understand how I operate. You see what Hitch and I share is an insight into the female mind, heart and soul. Women say this about the book Man Overboard:

"It is a validation of how every woman
feels but fails to communicate to her husband."
40 year old Gold Coast businesswoman.

"It spoke to my heart and represented me and
my deepest needs, desires...
Just reading it freed something inside of
me." 35 year old woman from North Carolina.

Every man can have this insight. If he opens his eyes.

One word: crap.

Peter Temple was my writing teacher at journalism school 25 years ago. He is now a successful novelist (see below)*. A few months back I sent him the manuscript of Man Overboard and this was his opinion:

"Michael: I've read the work. One word: crap.
I'm glad your wife is still around. I can't imagine why...
The thing reads like an advertisement
for race-tipping software. It reeks of marketing insincerity.
My only suggestion is to scrap it and try to write a brief
and honest text under a title such
as A SHORT MEDITATION ON KEEPING THE WOMAN YOU LOVE.
I am sure this advice will be of no use whatsoever to you. PT"

Peter always was rather caustic. (Inside that gruff exterior there is a human being trying to get out.) But he knows his writing craft and he's right. My book is a sales tool and I am selling love - or more precisely the potentiality of bliss beyond the dreams of mortal men.

His reply to my request for an opinion was so brilliant and encouraging that I promised him I would print it on the cover as a fair warning to potential buyers.

I welcome all feedback.

*PT's bio: Born in South Africa, Peter Temple is one of Australia's most acclaimed writers, and has worked as a journalist, magazine editor, and teacher. He is the author of eight novels, four of which have received the Ned Kelly Award for crime fiction. BAD DEBTS and BLACK TIDE are the introductory titles in his celebrated Jack Irish series.

Keep 'em laughing, son

My dad said the secret to a successful marriage is the "keep 'em laughing."

Here's another way:

Marty wakes up with a killer hangover. He forces himself to open his
eyes, and the first things he sees are a couple of aspirin and a glass of
water on the side table. He sits up and sees his clothes in front of him,
clean and pressed. He takes the aspirin and notices a note on the table:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to go shopping. Love you."
He goes to the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast and the
morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home at 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke
some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you
stumbled into the door."
Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and
breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she
tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married'!"

Unknown

I found this at smartmarriages.com

Saving your marriage could save your life!

That's right! It's OFFICIAL: Married men live longer and suffer less disease. Marriage is good for you! So says the Australian Bureau of Statistics. The median age of death for non-married men in 1992 was only 52 years, while married men lived on average to 75 years. The Australian National Health Strategy reported that never-married men have a death rate 124% higher than married men, and divorced/widowed men have a death rate 102% higher. The Australian Institute of Health and Welfare found in 1994 that the unmarried have mortality rates double those of married people.
If found these startling facts in a book called Twenty-One Reasons Why Marriage Matters, published by the National Marriage Coalition. (Thanks, Warwick.)